Too many emotions to process.

Instead of doing that, I just put on my noise-canceling earmuffs and go to sleep after that match. Yes, it was barely past 3 in the afternoon when the match finished. Tomorrow is Sunday, no work. I can sleep whenever.

I did not speak to mom. Not really. Just pleasantries. "Sorry", "Thanks" "Bye" without anything of substance being said. But she knows I am not okay.

Sleep never claims me. I just stay in bed, thinking with my eyes closed and the lights off.

I assured mother I did not want to go on a journey last year. I assured her battling was not my thing, that the internship at the local lab was more than enough to satisfy my desire to learn about Pokemon. I assured her I was staying because I was not interested in battling.

I really wasn't lying back then. I was not.

Now I really want to battle like that. Leon does not take risks in his matches. Leon plans his battles meticulously to both defeat you as efficiently as possible while making sure the audience watches not only a battle, but a performance.

That does not seem fun.

Now, navigating through an impossible situation, like a gigantamaxed charizard turning the arena into hell itself while trashing about, with only your partner's movepool and your own unshakeable focus?

That seems fun. Just looking at that battle made my heart and mind race. What would it feel like to be there? Facing a monstrous Pokemon and standing up, calm and resolute?

I wanted that. I wanted to be a person that could stand like that. I wanted to be a champion.

What i did not want to do, was leaving mum alone in a two story house, with a garage for two cars and three bedrooms. I don't want to be the selfish prick Julian said I was.

I can't stay in bed for much longer. I need to walk. Eat something. Read a book.

Goggles is looking at me from his stuffed dog-bed. I think of the way he looked at me while we were watching that battle. I am hurting him by staying here? Should I release him so he can find a trainer he deserves?

The bastard must have heard my toughs, cuz the way he flew into my head to nest in my hair and the tone he said "Yo! Yan!" felt like a reassurance.

I descend the stairs, maybe i can do some training with Goggles in the battlegrounds? It wouldn't be the same thing, but I need something.

It's dark outside, but not too dark. Couldn't have slept (stayed in bed) for more than three hours. Good. There probably is someone still on the battlegrounds.

The kitchen lights are open, in contrast to the rest of the house. Mum is probably there.

"Go spend time with your mum" I repeat Sonia's words under my breath. And walk towards the kitchen, talking maybe it would help both of us. (I hope I don't make things worst.)

First thing i notice the the large box of pizza that on the trash can. It was not there when I woke up or when got back from the internship. Stress eating is one of those habits that we both picked up after the divorce.

Mum is wearing Pajamas now, and drinking a mug of what i hope is tea.

"Hey there little bookworm. We need to talk." She sounds tired, not tired as in exhausted or tired as in I've waited long enough, but tired as in I've been working on this for the past three hours and really want to get it done sort of way. It could be worse.

"Yeah. Probably." I sit next to her, making an effort to look her in the face instead of at the walls or the ceiling. Goggles leaves my noggin to sit in his usual spot on top of the ceiling fan in the kitchen.

"So. I've gone over this for the last 3 hours in my head. I don't really have any other ideas on how to help you than to just say 'please go on your journey son' ".

I need a few seconds to process what she just said

"I don't want to go on a jour-" I catch myself. I do. I do want to go on a journey. Just denying is just the simplest answer and the one i conditioned myself to say.

That does not mean mum's single skeptical raised eyebrow is any less concerned.

"Really?" She asks. This is the fifthteenth time someone asks me if I are sure about this. This time it feels different.

I can't say a lie. Not to that face and tone. Not when I just figured out i was lying to myself. My throat won't make the words nessesary to lie. My mouth just hangs open.

"I don't want to leave you alone." Dont want to be ungreateful for the time you took raising me is left unsaid.

"Silly." she just shakes her head at me. "I am the adult. I don't want my child to be sad because I can't get my life together." And-

And wow I think i get my low emotional intelligence from my mother's side.

"Mum come on, it's not your fault." Wrong thing to say Trent. I can see the denial in her face before she powers through the feeling in order to respond.

"I know. Nobody is at fault. But you want to go on a journey, and I- I need to get a hold of my life. It's been three years already."

I box up the guilty feelings that tell me this is my fault even if my brain tells me there is no reason why this whole situation is my fault.

Mum does not think you staying in here is hurting her healing process (That is what she said). That is not what she means (it sounds like it.). Shut up intrusive thoughts.

Think about Goggles. Think about making 5 more friends. Think about the stage, and being an unflappable Pokemon trainer. Think about seeing Galar and all Pokemon you just saw in books.

"Yeah. I do want to. I should probably ask Gran to sponsor and endorse me huh?" I say with a smile on my face. Good. Compartmentalization works.

Mum smiled. Not just a happy smile, a smile smile that you cannot fight when you sense it coming, a contagious smile, a smilier smile than she smiled in three years. "Not sure how I feel about you calling my university teacher grandmother."

I feel myself flush a bit red in the cheeks, this was the first time i called Gran Gran out loud huh?

"Well if you are already this cozy with each other i doubt she would refuse! Even if the lab hasn't had a dedicated endorsed trainer in awhile, Magnolia always was a sweetheart."

Yeah i knew that. Finding a sponsor isn't really the thing gnawing on my mind right now.

"You are going to be okay if I'm away right?" I was about to say gone, but I still have some shreds of tact left.

Mum, the shining radiant beautiful human being that she is, only smirked, as if my worries are silly. "I think I'm going to learn to be okay. I think I am putting off seeing a therapist long enough."

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Wait a second, that...

"Did you not say you were seeing a therapist two years ago?"

She has the audacity to laugh. An awkward and very guilty kind of laugh. "I DID say that huh? Well... I might have lied to make you less worried?"

My forehead met the table as i groaned in disappointment. Never mind. There is nothing shining about this human being. Devil woman.

"... i am going to forget you said that, otherwise i am going to stay here to strongarm you to therapy."

Now her laugh is much less awkward and not a bit repentant. "Yeah. This time i am going through with it. Just... call me a lot?"

"Every night i get service on my phone."

"Then i will be fine. And eventually, i think i will be good."

---64 hours later ---

"Of course I will sponsor you sweetie, the lab did not have a dedicated trainer in the circuit in years, and I think it's time to change that. I was a bit wondering why didn't you ask an year ago. But I suppose late starts are better than no starts!"

Wow. This was easy. This was the second most nervous walk to the lab I ever did. (First one was my first day.) But Sonia just got excited when i told her about my decision and Gran is just super sweet as always.

Getting someone to endorse is probably the hardest part of entering the Galar gym circuit. Unlike most regions, our gym circuit is a very prestigious affair, so while i could technically survive with a weekly allowance from mum, trainers participating on it require at least one person/corporation endorsing you to compete.

You could still be a trainer without being endorsed, win tournaments, do requests, the works, and even be personally invited to the league's summit tournament. It was just harder to do so. Especially since very few companies sponsor non-endorsed trainers.

"So sweetie, let's talk terms alright? I will have Sonia draft your contract later, but there is four things I want you to do."

I nod. Its usual after all for sponsored trainers to have duties to the brands they are sponsored by, like attending X interviews, using their products in public the battles, with the notable exception of the people that are sponsored by league officials like the champion or gym leaders who only notable duties are "growing up a good Pokemon trainer."

"First, sometimes during your journey, i will ask you to catch particular Pokemon. You will send them over to the lab where i can run the tests I need, then I will ask you to return them to the wild."

"Oh! I can do that. I assume you are going to be asking for rarer Pokemon?" Because if she wanted a normal Pokemon, she would just post the request on the league's trainer companion app and offer a small reward. But asking for rarer Pokemon this way takes ages, even with a higher bounty, and breeders charge a fortune for rare species.

"Indeed. Beyond that, just the usual like 5% of any winnings you make on gym battles, tournaments or requests you complete on the LTC for funding my lab"

"Oh. Alright. I mean, I read that that is standard rates for newbie trainers. Does this mean I will be getting standard rates weekly as well?"

"Oh absolutely not. 1500 and a few supplies monthly is a pitiful amount. I was thinking more along the lines of 5.000 a month, 5 ultra balls, 20 potions and T.M of your choice from mine and Sonia's collection? Oh, and a dynamax bracelet and a pokedex to start with, of course."

My eyes bulged "W-wait! That is too much! You could be in the red for years with those terms!"

"Nonsense. You worked in this lab for two years darling, see it as a late salary. Besides, you haven't even heard about the other two requests as well."

OK. Calm down. Its fine. I maybe am not prepared to handle all that money. But it's fine. Being a Pokemon trainer must be pretty expensive. I know the dietary needs of a dragon that battles competitively.

"So, those two will be off the papers, its a bit hard for me to request this, but I would like you to use this during your battles and training sessions with your Pokemon."

She slid over a small white and black device that looked a lot like a fancy hearing aid to me. I decide not to stew in confusion and just ask her. "So uh... what is this?"

"Its supposed to read the levels of type energy in your body." I went deathly silent, completely. She just said that, with a resigned face and a calm intonation of her voice. Like something like this isn't illegal as fuck.

The global professor's association made it abundantly clear that experimenting with the effects of Pokemon type energy in humans is reason for you to have your license permanently stripped and spend a few years in jail after the disastrous results it had in both Kalos and Alola. Permanent brain damage and tumors are side effects to all 18 different type energies, but each one had a unique flavor of horrifying when applied to the human body the same way it affects Pokemon. "Monitoring" it is not exactly forbidden like outright experiments, but this would invite a fuckton of investigators to the lab and Gran's status as regional professor is already shaky as it is, considering the guys at the Rose Labs having pioneered every major piece of modern dynamax technology, I breathe a word of this and her carrier is over.

I try to force my body to relax, this is a hell of a bomb to drop.

"... so is this your secret project?" I cannot fathom something else that she would like to keep more secret than this, but just to be sure.

"Yes. I will not force you to accept and will make sure no consequence of this falls upon you in the worst case scenario." She is talking much more professionally now, without any of the sweet grandma tones she talks with normally. "I will still pay you the same monthly salary even if you refuse."

Type energy is like, the fundamental base for Pokemon moves. Why does a human throwing a rock and a Pokemon throwing a rock are different? 1. Pokemon are generally tougher and stronger 2. Pokemon can manipulate type energy. So the rock will probably be charged with Rock type energy. It is possible for Pokemon to just, throw a rock like normal, but when it uses rock type energy it becomes a MOVE.

Type energy is still mostly not understood. Its origins are unknown and the full applications of it are largely understood to be untapped. A lot of people got mad when researching it on humans became blacklisted. Myself included, but i never seen gran and Sonia in such a foul mood then after the announcement.

My journey did not even begun and I am already cogitating committing crimes. Great. I really am my father's son holy shit.

"Sure." I say, shrugging, trying really hard to appear calm now. "This is important. I can tell." Even if i am a little bit reluctant, this thing is easy to hide in the vastness of my hair, and using hearing aids in huge stadiums is not suspicious given my history of sensory overloads.

And like hell i was going to ask more questions about this.

"Okay sweetie" now the grandma tones are back. Good. The worst part is over. "This fourth bit is will little bit of a hard sell to you"

"Gran, you just told me to use a piece of illegal tech in televised battles. You cannot make this any more worrying." Arceus i hope she can't.

"I know." Her hand moved up to rub her forehead "I am sorry for springing that on you. But I reached so many dead ends already. If you feel anything wrong while using it or even unsafe at all just stop using it, okay?"

"Gran, right now you are doing nothing to reassure and are just worrying me about the fourth thing."

The professor closed her eyes took a deep breath. "There will be some kids sponsored by Leon coming over here in three weeks to pick up their pokedexes and start their trainer circuit. They will be journeying together, and I would like you to go on a journey with them."

"... so I should spy on them?" I ask tentatively. I do not understand where she is going with this.

For a second she is taking aback, before crossing her head in denial "Oh nothing like that dear. I just think you should socialize a bit. Make a few friends your age you know? You never talk to anyone in town, I thought meeting some kids from Postwick would be good for you."

Oh. Oh no.

When i first thought about doing this I was considering it would be just me and my Pokemon against the world. People are not my forte.

People are considerably scarier than Pokemon or the elements of nature.

Why the fuck I am hesitating more about this then the literal crime?! Its just people! Ive been working on my people skills! People go to Pokemon journeys with friends all the time!

"... can i ditch them if they make fun of my mental illness?" SHIT! too direct! Why am my spilling my deepest insecurities? Gran is not a therapist!

Gran recoiled as if she was physically stuck "What? Deary of course you can! This is not an imposition, i just think you needed some friends, and Leon's brats are not bad people from what I hear."

I let out a relieved sigh. Its going to be okay. Worst case scenario is going to be a repeat from highschool. I can deal.

"And Trent, another important thing before anything else."

"Uh... yes?" Please don't be another crime request please don't be another crime request...

"Autism is a disorder, not an illness. You are not ill deary. You are a perfectly healthy young man."

Yeah. I heard that a lot from mum. Not sure i believe it though. Especially since my anxiety disorder is also "not an illness."

"Yeah. Sure, i won't repeat that anymore." This was a lie. The mind is a fucked up place, sometimes it doesn't control the words that go past your mouth and they end up a unfiltered mess. I cannot promise not to repeat it on accident.

"That is good to hear. Now, that is everything I wanted, is the monthly stipend okay with you?"

Not really. That was like, a lot of money, and while i could count it as sush money for the illegal stuff, that felt more like a favor than something i needed to be bribed to do.

But trying to reduce the amount of money would just make me seem like an ungrateful asshole and Gran is basically asking me to commit a crime in the middle of this...

However.

"Swap the ultra balls for a hyper potion and we are set." Its frankly an amazing feeling to have all this pressure to get an endorsement and sponsor out of my shoulders. The hardest part of starting a journey is done. I just need to use this month to get Goggles up to shape after 5 years of a semi-sedentary lifestyle.

"Very well then deary, Sonia will draft up the contract proper."

I got up from my chair in front of her desk and gave her a polite nod of appreciation. "Thank you so, so so much Gran."

"Oh no deary, thank you."

"Huh? Thank me for what?"

"Calling me Gran for the first time after two years of course."

I go a bit red at the reminder. "Yeah. I guess I did huh?"