Dear Diary,

My name is Gwendolyn Avalyn. My family calls me Lyn.

Morgan says I wanted to be called Gwen, but I don’t remember that.

Morgan says I have to write to you every day so I can read this in the future.

I am Deaf.

I remember I was 8 years old, but Morgan says I’m 38! But I still look 8.

Morgan looks old. She looks like a mom now.

Morgan says I forgot things.

But I remember Crescent. I remember Moondial. I remember Papa.

I remember Rowan taught me magic.

Morgan says they’re all gone now.

I am sad.

Dear Diary,

I’m remembering new things, like Hinata.

I like Hinata. Hinata gives me blood in the morning and at night.

Morgan likes Hinata, too. They’re married.

Morgan says they had a baby once but he died.

I like babies. Babies are cute.

I like our farm. We have goats. I like baby goats.

Dear Diary,

I don’t like the sun anymore. I get sunburns. I don’t like sunburns.

I have to stay indoors in the daytime.

Remember to avoid sunburns. I don’t like sunburns.

I like blood. I don’t remember why I drink blood.

But I remember a grey lady with pretty butterfly wings.

When I don’t drink blood, I get sick.

I get tired and then I act funny.

Morgan and Hinata don’t like it when I act funny.

Dear Diary,

Morgan says Raf is a big crab with tentacles now.

I like Raf better this way. He’s more fun.

Raf says his sign name is ‘Chosen.’

Raf only has one normal hand, so his signs can be hard to understand.

Raf says he has a bug in his ear that helps him remember things.

I wish I had a bug so I wouldn’t forget.

Raf lives in the forest by the fence.

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I’m not allowed in the forest unless Morgan goes with me.

We visit Raf every night. Raf likes my illusions.

Dear Diary,

I’m getting better at magic.

Every full moon, I refill the illusion crystals with Morgan.

I’m tired for a few days after but Morgan makes me extra dessert.

And the selkies bring fish and help around the farm to say, ‘thank you.’

Plenty is my favorite selkie. He helps bring me blood.

Plenty is wise like Rowan.

I like his braids.

Morgan and Hinata act weird around Plenty. I think they both like him.

Dear Diary,

Tonight, I came downstairs and there were two strangers at the table.

One looked like Rowan. I liked him right away.

The other one looked like a cousin or something.

I don’t know why, but they were arguing over a weird glove and a shiny rock.

Morgan, Hinata, and Plenty said something and everybody calmed down.

Then the strangers took the glove and the rock and went into the woods.

Dear Diary,

There’s a forest fire burning on the other side of the big river.

Morgan says we’re safe here because Piasa can bring rain to stop the fire.

But I need to cast an illusion over the woods in the backyard to be safe.

Morgan says the woods need to look burned so the Church doesn’t find Raf.

Morgan says some new friends are moving into the backyard to hide.

I’m gonna help keep everybody safe.

Dear Diary,

Morgan and Hinata and I went on a hike today.

We went really far and saw a lot of burned trees.

Morgan says I have to copy the burned trees for the illusion.

Hinata brought a bunch of housing crystals.

It took me all day and I was really tired after.

But Morgan says now I can have as much blood as I want.

Dear Diary,

The two strangers came back today.

Morgan says they’re my cousins Zeke and Hormiz.

Morgan says they’re going to stay with us for a while.

I like my cousins. They’re raising a baby pixie.

Her name is Aegir. Aegir is very cute.

Dear Diary,

I met Jack today.

Jack is a great big bunny. He’s very fluffy.

Jack and Hormiz go on special walks everyday.

Morgan says I met Jack before, but I don’t remember.

I wish I remembered things so I wouldn’t need to write to you so often.

Morgan says I can write to you when important things happen.

Dear Diary,

Sorry. It’s been a while since I wrote last.

Aegir is turning two years old!

I guess that makes me forty.

It’s so weird to think about. I still look the same.

Raf and Morgan look completely different than how I remember them.

But I barely remember how they use to be.

Even my memories of Papa and Crescent are fading.

Sometimes I get sad thinking about it.

But one day, I’ll probably forget to be sad.

So that’s something.

Dear Diary,

I’ve been remembering things. Feelings, mostly, but more like instinct? I’m not sure what to call it.

I know I’m a forty-two-year-old woman in the body of an eight-year-old. It’s been about five years since I lost my memories.

I think that should make me about thirteen, emotionally, intellectually, but I’m not.

The other day I read a book in Morgan’s study. It was on farming techniques, irrigation, fertilizers, things like that. I was curious about groundwater near the shoreline. I picked the book up, and somehow, I forgot it was too advanced for me. Does that make any sense?

The language was complicated and jargon-heavy. But it was like I’d read the book before. And even though I’d forgotten all of it and half the vocabulary, I understood it completely.

Five years ago, I lost thirty years of my life. I think I’m beginning to get them back.

Dear Diary,

My last entry was optimistic. I haven’t remembered anything of any substance before the reset.

That’s what Morgan and I have been calling it. The Reset.

She says my body is too small to carry that many memories over the ages. Every thirty years or so, my mind will empty itself, and I’ll be like a child again.

Again and again. Forever, since Morgan thinks I might be ageless.

I look the same as ever, but she’s starting to look old.

It’s been almost ten years since my last reset. I’m scared of resetting again, but what really scares me is, what happens after that? What happens to me once Morgan and Hinata are gone? What will I become without them?

Will you really be enough, Diary?

Dear Diary,

Today Raf told me something important.

He said his symbiote stored the memories of everyone it ever shared symbiosis with, and if I wanted, he would give me his symbiote. His body would die, but he would stay with me, guiding me forever.

He said it’s what he wants. I think it’s what I want, too. I would never be alone again. I wouldn’t have to fear resetting again.

Zeke hates the idea. He thinks it’s a trap or something. He means well, but he doesn’t understand. He’s never reset before, and he probably won’t ever.

It’s my decision.

Dear Diary,

This will be my final entry.

I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to accept Raf’s offer.

To be honest, I’m terrified Zeke is right.

But I won’t live in fear. More to the point, I won’t lose Morgan. I refuse. We’ve lost enough already. I won’t lose her. I won’t forget Hinata or Plenty or anyone else ever again.

This is what I want.