I always thought it would get easier. That I would begin to feel numb to it all, that the feeling would disappear as more time passes.

But I was wrong, dead wrong.

It didn't get easier. in fact, it got worse. As the number of crimes I committed increased in number, so did the feeling of guilt that comes with it. The weight of the heavy burden was slowly crushing me from within, little by little.

I was desperately in need of a way to numb the feeling. That's why I turned to alcohol. Because even for just a brief moment, I was able to forget. Forget my pain, the things I've done, and the fact that I was a shitty person.

But that wasn't enough, I needed something else, anything.

And just around the time I was starting to lose hope, I met those two.

They helped distract me from that feeling, helped me step out of that kind of life, and pushed me forward to redeem myself. But even then, the feeling of guilt didn't disappear.

I continue to stare at the mother and daughter for a while.

Although I do feel a little bad for them, it's not like I know them, so it shouldn't really bother me much. I'm certainly not a saint that would worry about some stranger's problem.

That's right, It's just none of my business. It's probably better to avoid them as much as possible to prevent me from remembering the past.

And as for the guilt I was feeling... It's better to continue ignoring it.

My dad was talking to the two in hopes of calming them down a little and maybe find some ways to help their situation. He even gave them a bit of money.

Once he was done talking to them, the two expressed their gratitude and parted.

My dad soon came back and spoke with a concerned voice.

"Son, I know you're worried about them too... but there's not really much you could do for them. So don't feel too bad."

"Huh?"

I finally snapped out of daze once my dad spoke to me.

"Ah, right..."

That's right, there isn't really anything a child like me could do for them anyway, and I have no obligation to do so either. I don't know them, and they don't know me. That's their problem, not mine.

As I was lost in thought, my dad continued.

"You know son, even though you might not have the power to help them out now. I'm sure you'll be able to help out a lot of people in the future. You might even become a hero for some of them."

I looked at him with a bit of confusion.

"How can you be so sure?"

With a gentle smile, he continued.

"Because right now you're worried about someone else's problem, someone you don't even know. And having a heart that concerns for others is one of the characteristics of a true hero."

I put my head down. I couldn't bear to face him. His words made me feel worse about myself.

You're wrong, dad, I'm not as kind as you think I am. I'm probably the worst person here in town. And I wasn't really worrying about them. I was worried about the feeling of guilt that had resurfaced when I saw them.

I don't really care much for strangers, their lifestyle, or their problems. I'm different from you.

When I swore to myself I'll be a better person, I meant that I would stop causing trouble for my parents and for others. Maybe help out my family and friends. But that doesn't mean I'll lend a hand to a stranger I know nothing about.

What good would helping a random stranger do for me anyway? I'll just tire myself out for some measly words of gratitude.

I'm not a good person, and I'm certainly not a hero. But at least in this life, I'll try not to be a villain.

When my dad saw me looking down, he got up the wagon and spoke up in an energetic voice in an attempt to cheer me up.

"You know what, how about a change in atmosphere. There's a place I have in mind that you might find quite fun."

A place that I would find fun? Like an amusement park? Are there even amusement parks in this world?

"Where?"

"The magic library."

I felt some of the excitement from before returning.

"There's a library especially made for magic?"

"Sure, magic is a complex topic after all. want to go?"

I was starting to cheer up a little. That's right, this is exactly what I needed. Something to distract me from my thoughts.

"Yeah, sounds fun."

I also want to get away from this place as fast as possible.

***

When we got there, my first reaction was...

"Did we come to the wrong place?"

I said with a look of confusion.

"What do you mean?"

Dad asked.

I look at it some more, but It just looks like any old library. I mean, it's cool because of it's somewhat antic style, but... that's about it.

"Well... when you mentioned a magic library, I expected it to look more... magical."

He looked back at the library then thought for a bit.

"Hmm... guess I just never really thought about it like that."

"Well, it doesn't really matter."

Maybe it may only look like any old library on the outside but on the inside...

...It looks like any old library.

Huh? What gives?

I scanned the area but again, nothing really look all that magical.

"Oh Jonathan, what brings you here today? Does Jessie want to borrow another book?"

The lady at the reception desk asked.

"Not today Anna, I actually brought my son with me today. He's very interested in magic."

The lady looked at me with a smile.

"Well aren't you an adorable little thing."

"You don't look too bad yourself lady."

The lady blinked while looking at me with a hint of confusion.

That's a surprise, she hasn't run away yet... looks like I'm finally becoming a lady's man!

"Ha..haha, my son has a very funny way of talking sometimes."

My dad said with a wry smile.

Oh right, I'm 5.

"I-is that so? Anyways, isn't too early to bring him to a magic library? Can he even read yet?"

"I don't mean to brag, but my son happens to be a genius."

I feel like rolling my eyes every time I hear that phrase. But it's also a very convenient excuse for me to act the way I do without constantly reminding myself that I'm 5, so I'll just roll with it.

"But still, I think it would be better to first bring him to a regular library and make him read the basics of magic. The books here are a bit more advance than the ones there."

"Oh, no worries. I already learned the basics."

I answered.

"Is that so. What tier are you now?"

"Tier?"

What the heck is that?

"Oh, my son hasn't started school yet. But he has been getting a lot of lessons from his babysitter lately."

School? was she asking me what grade I'm in? Is that what tiers are?

"Babysitter huh? Who's his babysitter?"

"Nancy."

"Nancy? Oh, the prodigy, I see now. But... you aren't forcing him right? Considering what happened to Na-"

"No no no, we aren't forcing him. In fact, he was the one who kept asking Nancy to teach him."

Dad answered in an almost frantic manner.

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"Is that so... that's good."

She said with a smile.

"I guess it's okay then, alright, that will be 3 silver coins please."

Wait, they're charging for this place?

I'm not too familiar with the currency of this world yet but since I was born in a not so well off family in the past, I can understand how valuable money can be.

And that characteristic of being a penny pincher was further amplified when I left home.

"Umm... Dad, I think it's better if we go somewhere that doesn't cost... money."

I said feeling a bit guilty.

He looked at me with a gentle smile.

"No worries son, if spending a couple of coins can help cheer you up even just a little, then for me, it's money well spent."

"What do you mean dad? I'm already cheered up!"

I said with the best smile I could muster.

But he just looked at me with a bitter smile.

I put my head down feeling a bit bad.

"I'm so-"

[Not that.]

I stopped mid-sentence as I remembered what my previous dad said.

I looked at him again and change what I was about to say.

"Thanks."

"No problem, son."

He said with a smile.

***

Alright, time to find a good book to distract myself. But before that...

"Dad, can you put me down? This is kinda embarrassing."

"You said you couldn't see the books at the top right?"

"I did but... there's a ladder over there."

"Hahaha your mother would kill me if I ever let you use something as dangerous as a ladder."

"Please dad, this will be our little secret."

"Well... she's not exactly the only one concerned about that."

"Not you too dad!"

"I'm not as bad as Jessie, but even I know letting a 5-year-old use such a high ladder is pretty dangerous."

*Sigh*

"Fine then... I want to go over there. Giddy up!"

"Alright."

I was trying to find something that can hold my attention. At least enough to distract me from my thoughts.

"Now over there. Git!"

I looked around some more while on my dad's shoulders.

"Now there."

You know what, this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"Haha... now I know how Agro feels."

"Who?"

"My horse."

Oh, that horse we rode with.

"More moving and less complaining, you brought this on yourself."

"Haha... I guess I kinda did."

After a couple of minutes of browsing, I finally settled on some interesting ones I found going in-depth about barrier magic, support magic, and elemental magic.

Although I've already learned a lot about these kinds of magic through Nancy, there's a limit on how much a person can recall and teach someone, even for a genius.

So I thought that it would be better if I actually read up on them myself.

***

A few hours passed by and although I wasn't able to finish any of the books I've brought with me, I was able to learn a lot from them. They were actually pretty interesting but... that's about it.

None of the books I read were able to distract me from that feeling that's been slowly crawling back inside me.

I looked at dad and saw him looking at some books on support magic.

"For mom?"

I asked.

"Huh? Oh Red, looks like you're done reading huh."

"Well... not exactly. But anyways, is that for mom?"

"Yes, that's right. I thought that since I'm already here, I might as well borrow a couple of books for Jessie."

I looked at the books he was holding.

"I guess having high affinity with support magic doesn't necessarily mean you don't have to work hard and read up on them huh."

"Well, Jessie doesn't exactly have a high affinity with support magic. In fact, her affinity with it is actually pretty low."

Is that so...

Wait, what!?

"Then why?"

He paused for a moment, then looked back at me and gave a troubled smile.

"Because your mother wants to save a lot of people."

It doesn't seem like he's lying about that but... it feels like that isn't the whole reason behind it.

I guess it isn't really the right time or place to talk about it.

"...okay"

At the same time, I saw the lady from before passing by holding a rather thick book.

Dad looked at where I was looking then back at me with a smile on his face.

Dad, whatever it is you're thinking, that's probably not it.

"You interested in the book she's holding?"

I'm sorry I doubted you.

"Yeah."

I said with a nod.

"Alright, excuse me, Anna?"

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you about that book you're reading?

Dad asked as he pointed at the book she's holding.

"Oh, this? Well, I wasn't really the one reading this, I was actually just putting it back."

She continued.

"And to be honest, I don't think I have the will to read about magic formulas either, especially on such a thick book such as this. I'm not exactly fond of headaches you see, haha..."

Magic formulas?

"Is that so, Jessie once told me how hard they were to understand but are magic formulas really that complicated?"

"*Sigh* you have no idea. I still can't wrap my head around it, and I'm a graduate of the Magic Academy."

"Can I take a look at it?"

I asked as I raised my hand.

They both looked at me with a troubled expression.

"Son, I don't know if you heard our conversation but I think this is too much even for you."

"Relax dad, I don't expect to understand it all in one sitting, or any of it for that matter. I'm just curious that's all."

"Well, alright... Anna?"

"Are you sure about this Jonathan?"

Jeez guys, it's a book, not a bomb.

"You see, Jonathan. I've seen my fair shares of kids claiming to be geniuses lose interest in magic once they found out how hard magic formulas are to understand."

"Don't worry, my son's spirit is like an unextinguishable fire."

I don't know about that, but I don't think a mere book is enough to break my spirit.

"Well, if you say so..."

***

Once I got the book, I immediately tried to understand it. Emphasis on the TRIED part.

Yep... still don't get it. Even Nancy was struggling to teach it to me, and that was just the basics. I wonder if it would be easier once I actually have some mana in me. Because right now, it feels like I'm trying to learn a dance choreography without limbs.

But it wasn't a big waste of time though, because while I was reading through the book trying to make sense of it all, I was able to distract myself from that feeling.

"Son, I think it's getting a bit late. It may be time for us to go home. Did you find a book that you would like to borrow?"

I lifted the thick book I was reading then spoke with a smile.

"This one!"

If nothing else, I could always use this book to distract myself whenever that feeling comes back.

I know that there's nothing I could do to get rid of that feeling. The best I could do is to ignore it.

I already accepted that wherever I go, I would always be shackled by the past.