“Hey don’t feel bad,” Sintari said, giving him a look of pity. “By the time we’d gone around and smashed a couple hundred props, other people would have started noticing anyway. Besides, the quest might be locked to us; maybe no one else can complete it.”
“Yeah, but at least they wouldn’t have had the clue,” Ape said. “They wouldn’t have known what to look for.” Sintari grimaced but didn’t argue.
Apotheosis had ended his stream and taken a seat to sulk on Sintari’s couch, amidst the clutter. She sat down next to him, scooping materials and tools onto the floor carelessly. She seemed to be thinking of what to say as she leaned forward, elbows resting on her thighs. Ape’s feedback gear translated her nearness into warmth, and he fought to keep calm. Now he wished he had NasalJet - the scent of her would be amazing.
“Whatever happens,” she said, “we’ve gotta get out there and smashing either way. Can’t just leave it to them right?”
She was right.
“Okay then. Let me reslot,” Ape said, digging in for some optimism.
Sintari disappeared into a back room of the house while Ape accessed his global inventory. Only Orbs could be stored there, and one could access the storage from within any large city. This was considered a necessary privilege, since the Charge contained in Orbs was also the game’s currency.
He went about slotting Steel Orbs into his armor, and felt the familiar ease of movement return to his limbs. His arms and legs felt taxed from the artificial resistance created by his feedback gear.
Ape looked toward the back of the house and the sounds of Sintari rummaging through various piles of things. After several spurts of searching she emerged with a gleaming warhammer. The four-foot haft of Electrum was topped with a Diamond head she’d sculpted into the shape of leaping dolphins, the space between them filled with a relief of ocean waves. Ape smiled.
“Shut up,” she said, herself grinning at the gaudy weapon. “I was like, eleven years old when I made it. Anyway, check the info, it’s pretty sick.”
A Bloody Porpoise - Legendary Warhammer
Damage Boost: 100% Rate: 1 Dmg: 8860
DPS: 6202 Weight: 36 kg Special: Knockback
“Is that your Accuracy killing the DPS?” he asked. She nodded. “You’ve never swung the thing even once…?” She nodded again. Ape laughed. “Still… pretty sick. I couldn’t swing it that fast. I never knew your Strength was so high.”
“Train it everyday to increase Carry Weight,” she explained. That, along with her high Dexterity, was the only reason she could get so much raw damage out of the hammer with practically no weapon skill. “So you sticking with that Silver Spear, or you gonna grab your artifact one?”
“I’ll probably grab the artifact, just in case we come across anything really nasty out there. It’s an Orb hog, but I think we’ve got some Charge to spare huh?”
“Yeah this might be fun, I can finally gain some combat skill,” Sintari beamed. She glanced at her various worktables littered with projects in progress. “Have to come back and finish a few things later though.”
“You gonna armor up?” Ape asked. Sintari was still dressed in her crafter’s gear.
“Nah,” she said. “This stuff gives me some pretty good escape skills. Plus it’s about on par with leather anyway, and it’s more comfortable.” He’d forgotten Sintari played in TextureGear. Was any of her gear not premium?
The pair left Sintari’s house and trekked across the city to Ape’s place. His apartment was smaller, its Orbs glowed less brightly, but it was immaculately clean. His prized spear stood on its stand by the fireplace.
Amalgamated Khopesh - Artifact Spear
Damage Boost: 20% Rate: .8 Dmg: 6,000
DPS: 7,500 Weight: 3 kg Special: Halves Rate when collapsed, Dmg reduced to 50%. +5% chance to interrupt.
The dark wood haft was wrapped in purple and orange-dyed spirals of leather, and its head was actually a short sickle-sword of weathered bronze. Ape retrieved it and left his Silver Spear in its place. He slotted it with a Silver Orb for another few percent damage boost. He also changed back into his plate boots.
Outside, they summoned their mounts, Ape’s an oversized husky with spiked collars and anklets, Sintari’s a squat gorilla she rode as if she were its backpack. The husky was the faster of the two, but the great ape could climb walls.
They began their quest by taking various portals to all the areas they could think of that held notable or monumental statues. None of these turned out to be destructible, and offered no indication as to the makeup of their secret hearts. So far, no one else was out hunting
“Alright, where should we go next?” Sintari asked.
“Might as well start close to home,” Ape said. “We can hit some of the goblin fortresses near Xelt. It’ll be safer for you anyway to level your weapon skill in a green zone.”
They made their back to Xelt and out of the city, since property there wasn’t destructible, and headed toward one of the many goblin keeps in the hills beyond. Fortresses, mansions, and castles seemed most likely to contain statues worthy of their destructive consideration, so it was agreed they would focus on such locations. They both knew it would be like searching for a needle in a haystack, but there was no other option given their only clue.
Ape knew it was silly, but roaring into Bargond’s Keep to decimate an army of C10 goblins made him feel a little more on top of things again. Laughter was always the best medicine for the blues, and watching Sintari use her gaudy warhammer to send frantic mobs flying down hallways like ragdolls was hilarious.
They also smashed every statue they came across.
Voxel-based environments had long since become standard fare, and they had evolved light years beyond the cubes of the past. This meant it was now expected that the battlefield would be malleable, subject to a player’s whims. Trenches and moats could be dug in PVP wars, cover could be erected and destroyed. Most people, however, never bothered smashing such things as lamps and statues.
Leaving no stone unturned, Ape and Sintari rampaged their way to Bargond’s throne room, and slew the fat old goblin in just a few hits. He roared at the sky, cursing unknown gods, and fell heavily to the stone floor, blood spreading in a pool beneath him.
The wicked warlord Bargond the Elder has been slain, said the public quest’s completion text. His many vassals will be forever indebted to you. The green hills of Gundheim are at peace once again!
Ape wondered how many times the green hills of Gundheim had been freed from the goblin warlord. Certainly Bargond the Elder would soon return for another reign of terror.
A gaggle of noobs had crowded by the invisible barrier to the throne room and were staring in shock.
“I can has some loot?” one shouted. The others laughed.
“It’s garbage loot,” Sintari said to Ape. He nodded, and they tapped it and labeled it ‘abandoned’, so the noobs could divide it among themselves.
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
“Merry Christmas,” Ape said.
He and Sintari raided several other locations in similar fashion, clearing out the county of Gundheim and pressing on long after the grind became joyless. They did not come across the statue with a heart of gold.
Finally she said, “Hey my logout timer’s coming up and I gotta finish up a few contracts Wanna head back?”
Ape said yeah. “I’ve gotta eat, then I might as well start my timer early.”
In a continued effort to protect hapless gamers from themselves, the world’s governments had at last instituted a mandatory logout period of eight consecutive hours per day. This incidentally caused huge scheduling issues in space MMOs and survival games in particular, where, traditionally, POSes were vulnerable around the clock, but there was nothing for it. The more time people spent in VR, the greater the yearly death toll of people who couldn’t stop themselves from playing long enough for self-care. Ape had always been in tune with his body’s needs, so it was more of an inconvenience to him than a help, but he supposed it was worth it if it kept other people from getting hurt.
The pair made their way back to Xelt, discussing plans for the next session.
“That was fun,” Ape said. “I don’t think we’ve ever actually quested together before.”
“Yeah it was good,” Sintari smiled. “You like, really toned irl? I’m all sweaty from swinging my arms around.”
Ape laughed. He was actually pretty swole, but he didn’t say it.
They parted ways at the city’s gate, returning to their homes to recharge their Orbs and logout in safety, leaving their characters to read skill books for offline progression.
They logged back in almost simultaneously, eight hours later, and text /whispered each other ‘rdy’. They met up by the Xelt’s east gate and prepared to strike out further into the region of Eolis. There were still dozens of places to hunt in Eolis alone - in dark forests and bogs, in the mountains, and along rocky cliffs above the western sea. These were lands almost every player had quested through early in their career, except crafters like Sintari, so nearly all of it was familiar to Ape. He even remembered a few of the grander statues to be found in some of the region’s castles.
They were slogging through a bog infested with poisonous slimes when a player named Zaz PMed Ape.
Dude, why aren’t you streaming? Our guild keeps checking your channel but you’re not there!! We wanna see what happens next…
Ape told Sintari about the message and they mused over it.
“Think it’s honest?” he asked. She wasn’t sure. It could have just been a ploy to get him to reveal more about the mysterious quest. She herself had received dozens of messages offering contracts, commissions, and guild invites, and had ignored them.
Ape checked on his Twitch channel for the first time since the previous day, and was astounded. Garbanzo Beings, Zaz's guild, must have all followed him at once. His count was up by 80 people!
"Nice!" Sintari congratulated him. "You gonna stream? Everyone'll know where the statue isn't..."
"Thinking about it," he said.
The clincher came when they reached the Slime Queen's lair. A raid party of C15s was trashing the place, smashing not just the various ruined statues, but everything that wasn't impermeable to damage. They seemed to be having a good time of it.
"Cleared it out already," someone said in local chat. "But these guys didn't listen to me either."
"Looks like word got out," Sintari said. Ape sighed. "Might as well enjoy the new followers." She slapped him on the back. Right as usual.
Moments after Ape started up the stream, his Twitch tab was bombarded with more comments than he could handle, and his viewer count was up to 92.
Awesome!, Zaz wrote, We'll keep in touch and let you know if we find anything. He shared a link to his own channel, and Ape opened it up in a sub-window on his hud to follow the guy. It appeared the Garbanzo Beings were farming statues on the border of Eolis and Suldia, the overcast, yet arid region that led to the massive caves of Chtonia.
Hours of grinding passed, Sintari continuing to level her warhammer skill, and it seemed none of the Slime Royalty was in possession of the coveted statue. On the plus side, Ape was up to 108 followers.
"You think Deuces let the word out?" Ape mused. "Or one of his guildies?"
They were travelling along one of Eolis's main roads, headed now for the Mountains of Greed, home of the greater goblins. Sintari had no answer, but she did have a suggestion.
"Thinking we may need some help with all this competition about," she said. "Never was into guilds myself... But I do know a few guys who might join up. Or should we fold into a larger one? I doubt anyone would turn us down at this point."
Ape had always enjoyed soloing the game, and joining a large group subject to someone else's whims wasn't too palatable. Now if he or Sintari were the guild master... that might be different. The prestige of completing the quest might be worth sharing the spoils.
"Alright," he assented. "Message your guys."
The first to answer the call was a player named TheRealSoul. They waited for him outside the high, crumbling tower of a goblin necromancer named Rothan the Sickly.
TheRealSoul was a high-level Caster who'd been playing since Beta. His armored horse sauntered up the mountain path, Soul’s flowing red robes trailing behind. He waved as he approached. Soul had the serene look of a wizened sorcerer, with a long white beard like a kung fu master. He carried a staff of gnarled wood that looked to have grown around a center core of Jadeite. A pair of Platinum prongs jutted up from the tip of the staff, and a red plasma danced between them. A floating orb of dwarvish make appeared to be Soul's pet, and it followed at a distance, scanning the environment for threats.
"Hey!" he greeted, surprisingly cheery compared to his avatar's visage.
"Thanks for coming," Ape said.
"Man if there was ever a time to party up, it's now," Soul laughed. "Freakin' exploding voxels everywhere - people are going nuts."
It was true. In just the last couple of hours, Ape had gained another hundred followers. Players were bombarding Foxhole's Twitter account, demanding some disclosure about the secret quest. Why was its trigger so specific? Why wouldn't it trigger for anyone else who combined Rhodium, Peridot, and Mist in the form of a lion, or any other shape for that matter? Foxhole had thus far not been forthcoming.
“So you think you got the lock on this quest?” Soul asked.
“Not at all,” Ape chuckled. “We’re just breaking everything we can.”
“Ha, well, let’s do it then.”
The three headed up toward Rothan’s tower and confronted the two C20 Necromancer Apprentice mobs standing guard at its ruined entrance.
Both necros raised their zombie minions to attack, and these were quickly dispatched by Soul’s pet. The spherical golem was made of interlocking rings that rotated ceaselessly. It had a glass lens from which it fired blasts of red light.
Critical! 10,870
Critical! 11,033
The zombies both burned into ash.
Ape was duly impressed. Sintari, meanwhile, had closed the distance with the necros. They tried to fix her with twin beams of dark, life-siphoning energy, but she dodged and felled them both with a few AOE swipes of her hammer.
Smash! 5024
Smash! 4980
Enjoy it now, Ape thought. It won’t be so easy when we get to the nastier zones…
Ape took the lead as they entered the tower. More necromantic minions fired withering bolts of black down upon them from above, but swiftly Soul’s pet rose to dispatch them.
The bulk of this location was underground, and there were lots of statues due to the dungeon’s gothic styling. Ape led the way to a stair leading down into the mass of the mountain.
A squad of C25 Dead Brutes greeted them at the entrance to the dungeon’s first level, and Ape launched into his go-to combo, rolling in among the Brutes and spinning his spear around like a whirlwind. The AOE stunned each Brute long enough for him to distribute his follow-up seven strike sequence among them, slicing through skulls and bellies. A flurry of damage notifications exploded from the group and the Brutes died their second death.
Soul was clapping. “Nice, you make it look fun. Always gone caster myself.”
The little party smashed dozens of identical statues of Rothan the Sickly (and he did look sickly) as they moved from floor to floor, but none offered any further secrets.
They blitzed the rest of the dungeon handily and came to Rothan’s laboratory, where he appeared to be working on some wicked Frankenstein monster. The C30 master necromancer screamed at the intrusion and immediately encased himself in defensive spells, raining particles and lighting up with various buffs and shields. Rothan was known to be particularly hard for a C30 boss, and showcased his hefty resistances as Sintari and Ape engaged him in melee. He fixed Ape with a life-siphon, black beam twisting with snakes of green and red, and Ape’s HP began to fall slowly.
Soul raised his Epic staff and his avatar bellowed in a strange language. From the fire between the Platinum prongs there came a beam of crimson light that cut Rothan clean in half, blasting him apart before the boss mob could even initiate his hit animation.
Ultra! 94,985
Rothan burned away into the aether, leaving behind a glowing pile of loot. Soul linked his staff in chat and grinned.
Ether Attuned - Epic Staff
Dmg Boost: 100% Rate: 1 Dmg: 18,997
DPS: 18,997 Weight: 9
Special: Ability - Death Beam - Consume the Orb in the staff’s Ammo slot with a minimum Charge of 25,000. Target below your combat level takes 500% Dmg. If target is not killed, it gains Death Curse with a timer of 60s. Cooldown 1 hr.
“It was worth showing off,” Soul said. Now that they were out of combat, he took a moment to re-slot the staff.
“You’re hired,” said Ape.