This is a true story. Well, at least one of the stories is probably true. I'm not sure which. You see, the stories conflict. And not in little ways explainable by fallacious human memory, but in fundamental ways. Sometimes universally fundamental ways. I know which story I like the most. It's the one I wish was true. But it might not be. And because it might not be, I have a duty to be neutral. To retell the stories exactly as they were told to me (with some exceptions which legally cannot be retold exactly as they happened). It's because of this reason that I don't want to give you a true synopsis of the stories I'm about to tell. Summaries introduce bias. In any case, I can promise that none of these stories are boring. They just may or may not be true. Maybe you can figure it out.