"... I can't believe, in all the history of light novels and the multiverse, I'm the one game that gets stuck with needing patches and having features stuck behind a paywall... What the fuck does a neigh omnipotent entity even need my money for?!"
A young boy with short black hair screamed into the sky as his blue eyes glared at the passing clouds. It was a bright and beautiful sunny day, but that didn't help Alexander from raging at the world. He thought it was quite justified really.
[System Updated. Running V.1.34]
He took a moment to quickly check the patch notes. He was pretty sure the game was just fucking with him at this point because it was just a bunch of items he could buy in the Item Shop. Which, normally, he would've been all for if it wasn't for a few itsy bitsy problems.
One, he needed to be level 100+ to use any of them. Two, he couldn't actually see the item descriptions until he unlocked the requirements. Three, his Item Shop was still fucking locked for some goddamn reason!
What kind of shit game is this? Where was his tutorial? Where were the newbie packages! WHERE WAS THE MEETING WITH THE BIG BREASTED GODDESS?!
An absolute load of horse shit.
The worst part of being in this world of myth and magic was the fact that he couldn't use fucking magic either. This wasn't Harry Potter where he could just say the words and shit happens, nor was it like the webtoon "The Gamer" where Jihan Han could pull out skills outta his ass with barely any effort at all.
Because of course, nothing in his life would ever be that convenient. No, his System came with a snarky asshole of an Admin that loved to make fun of him and came and went as it pleased. To make something into a [Skill] He needed to not only work on it but have some type of comprehension of its mechanics.
And arguably smartest 5 years old on the planet or not, his past life's Engineering degree left him woefully ill-prepared to take on the Moonlit world.
God, he hoped that Skill books become a thing in the future.
"Status"
Name: Alexander Black
Level: 1
Title: N/A
Age: 5
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
Exp: 75/200
Str: 10
End: 10
Agi: 10
Cha: 10(x2)
Int: 14
Wis: 10
Luk: 10
Status Effect: [Adworable]- Doubles Charisma until one reaches the age of 14. You cute little baby you~!
10 was the average for a human adult, so the fact that as a five-year-old he was already that strong should've been something to be happy about, right?
Haha.. hahaha haha haha. No.
Not when a five-year-old kid suddenly gains super strength and can talk like an adult. He has had to spend five agonizingly long years before he could even start walking. Do you even comprehend the sheer boredom he has felt rolling around all day in his shitty crib?
He was pretty sure he developed claustrophobia, and the less one said about the trauma of being conscious during their own birth and being slowly squeezed out of a woman's vagina, the better. He spent years eating, sleeping, and shitting himself. Not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily one at a time.
Alex couldn't do anything but put up with it, because he was born to a normal family, and he was under no delusion he could survive on his own in this world even with his powers.
Strange supernatural baby? Slap a Sealing Designation on it and let's put it on the operating table to see how it ticks!
Yeah, no thanks.
He was so bored he actually looked forward to going to school every day! Kindergarten of all things! Him, an MIT Graduate! He spent so much time reading everything he could get his grubby little hands on, from shitty kids books to the actual dictionary that he actually gained 4 Int!
He can't wait until he's finally a teenager and could get away with taking care of himself so he could experiment more.
"Oh? Looks like somebody made an Opsie! C'mon Alex, and let momma take care of that for you."
...
Five-year-olds have notoriously terrible bowel control. It's fine, just a normal physiological process. Everyone does it when they're kids!
It's fine.
[Bladder Control has reached lv. 2]
Good work, Champ! You're getting there, lol!
He wasn't crying, there was just something stuck in his eyes. His tiny fist clenched in silent humiliation and building rage even as the woman who gave birth to him picked him up and started changing his diapers.
When I become a God, I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll taste the shit on the bottom of my boots, I swear it.
[Special Perk Unlocked: Cry Baby]
[Cry Baby: Grants 5x bonus to Exp gain and effectiveness of all skills related to crying, wailing, shitting yourself, and being a general little bitch.]
...Alex was mildly grateful that being a five year old and the fact that his body was effective that of a game character meant he couldn't actually get an aneurysm. No matter how much it felt like it. God, he was going to develop high blood pressure that this rate.