Visions slammed into me, one after another.

A creature, tearing itself from the fabric of the Abyss itself, gasping for life as Emotion filled it, ruling its mind.

A legion advancing through verdant plains of twisted, purple plant life that clutched at them, forcing the soldiers to cull the vegetation as they fought to secure a place where they could build their first city.

A crumbling world, compressed, refined, reduced to its essential components, then thrust into a rapidly evolving void of chaotic red and black mana that absorbed it all, forming swiftly into land, and plants, and new life brimming with potential.

The rustle and gleam of white feathers bringing pain and destruction, pierced through with countless burning eyes that stared down with calm indifference through the rift torn in the Abyss’s boundary.

The anguish, the flames, the blood and globs of flesh stomped by countless feet as armies clashed, Emotion and Reason warring wantonly across the stars, each attempting to snuff the other out, yet failing time and again.

A soul, cradled in Abyssal will, twisted and altered until it was reborn into new life as a child of the Abyss.

More and more images came, each painted by emotions so intense and alien that my mind began crumbling beneath their weight. My sense of self stretched, struggling to encompass each and every vision, to absorb them all into itself.

My name fled me. My childhood disintegrated, the many pains and tribulations stripped away in the face of something greater. Friendship, love, hatred, fear, joy, ecstasy, regret, and more, all exploded against my tongue like the most exquisite flavors.

I wanted to drown in them. I wanted to devour them all. I wanted to become their vessel, so as to possess them completely. Above it all, a cackling roar thundered in my ears. The impression of minds fracturing, of souls tearing themselves apart, of the most resolute wills bending, took root in my core.

Madness reigned, and I delighted in it.

Why ever pursue any other goal? Why ever indulge in any other pleasure, when Madness contained the totality of experience?

I felt a smile twist my lips further and further as laughter continued to escape me.

I wanted to share it, to force it on others, to spread Madness far and wide until all could witness its glory and welcome its calming embrace. Yes, I could start with Mia, then Bronwynn, then Yules, then…

Mia. Yules. Bronwynn.

For the first time, glimmers of my own memories broke through the haze of Abyssal power. I brushed against them the way one might run their fingers over a dusty, forgotten book they were once fond of.

Bronwynn’s advice and reluctant care. Mia’s steadfast presence, an offer of friendship, a hug. Yules’ cheery disposition as she gushed about her love of crafting and her dreams for the future. Her mother’s kindness. The vendor back in Fortress City 12, happy to chat and help out a lost recruit. Glaustro, and his growing acceptance.

One by one, I remembered the people I had met. The few I cared about. Those whose kindness and acceptance I relied on.

Other memories came, too. Of hatred, resentment, and fear. Mercutio. Wilhelmina. The accusing, terrified eyes of the people I had killed.

I wanted to shy away from some of them. I wanted to embrace the others.

And underneath all the memories, the threads of desire stretched.

The basic need to be safe, warm, and full, in a home I knew was mine. A need for friendship and kindness, even though I was so very afraid it all would end in betrayal and cruelty. The yearning for something more, eventually. For quiet companionship I could lean on.

The need for power, so I could earn and safeguard all those things.

Bit by bit, I pieced myself together. My shattered mind’s splinters clicked into shape, the edges raw and damaged and refusing to slot into place the exact way they had before, yet there nonetheless. I dragged myself out of the depths of Abyssal consciousness, tearing myself away from the devouring whole into some semblance of an individual.

Ever so, so slowly, I stopped gazing at something far beyond me and focused on my immediate surroundings. They were calming in their familiarity, and I desperately clung to the physical sensations.

The stark white of the station’s chair, and its satiny feeling under my fingers. The way the chair enveloped me, making for the comfiest seat you could ever want. Even the swaying dance of the chair’s tendrils, as mesmerizing as it was terrifying.

It all distracted me from infinity, and dragged me firmly back into my own body. Back to Hayden, who most definitely wasn’t just another fragment of the Abyss.

In spite of that, my emotions still churned beneath the surface. They were powerful like never before, each one demanding my full capacity to feel. Fear was a mind-numbing, primal thing. Hope was a beacon on the horizon, a dream I wanted to chase after desperately until my body came apart at the seams. Affection was a bouncy, heady sensation I could hardly contain. Hate was a bonfire that made any life worth sacrificing in the name of vengeance.

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I was pulled in so many directions at once that I felt like I was cracking anew. Deeper still, it was all underlined by other, equally fundamental changes.

My mana was now a wild, powerful, churning substance rooted inside my core. It stretched and bent effortlessly according to my will. It was more than just a new limb. It was an essential part of my being that came to me as naturally as breathing or thinking.

Likewise, my sense of it had exploded in quality and scope. I could feel every scrap of mana in my surroundings and visualize the exact ways it all shifted and flowed. I was almost able to detect an underlying rule of what drove it, some kind of elemental truth about the nature of mana. It was there, available for me to ponder, yet elusive and beyond description.

A mild headache bloomed in the back of my head, and I grimaced.

Just the mana around me was nearly enough to send me into conniptions, and the station was very limited in scope. I could perceive absolutely nothing beyond its starkly defined borders.

What would happen to me when I dared to venture out? Was my brain just going to melt out of my ears?

Fear surged beyond the boundaries I carefully kept around it, consuming all other emotions until it reigned supreme. It was a swirl of miasma, an inescapable vortex, and I was swept up in it.

For several long minutes, I was a gibbering mess, seeking safety and solace above all else. When the raw edge of the emotion bled away, I found myself curled up under the station’s chair. My fingers were raw and bloody. I had been clawing at the ground in my desperation to find a place to hide, to crawl into a hole somewhere and avoid any prying eyes.

Disgust rose up and threatened to claim me next, but this time, I was a little more prepared. I shoved it back into its corner and held firm, choosing instead to flood my hands with the body refining technique as I simultaneously cast the cleaning spell.

I was supremely delighted by how smoothly and deftly I was able to execute both tasks. The cleaning spell swept over me from head to toe, cleansing me of all dirt, blood, or any other pollutants, while the body refining took to my flesh with an ease I had never experienced before. I could practically watch my flesh knit together in real time as it simultaneously toughened. Even my shattered nails started to recover.

Of course, I then had to clamp down on my happiness in a hurry to avoid laughing and dancing around like a drunken maniac.

Deep breaths. Slow, deep breaths.

I called on Clarinette’s memories. Even with the barrier I tried to contain them in, they came to me more easily than ever. Sinking into her experience with meditation as preparation for circulating mana, I used it to center my being.

When I opened my eyes again, I felt mostly like myself. My feelings were still there, raging under the surface, but they were mine to control and would only affect me if I let them. A life among nobility had prepared me well to keep up a façade, so I could at least pretend to be calm, even if…

I grit my teeth and shook my head, shaking off the confusion caused by diving so deep into Clarinette’s memories.

I wasn’t a noble. I had never been a noble.

If I kept repeating that enough, maybe I could also stop feeling the need to keep my back straight and manners impeccable.

Still, my identity crisis wasn’t my biggest issue. While I had a strong feeling that I could be relatively functional if I decided to venture outside immediately, that didn’t mean I would enjoy the consequences of my increased mana awareness. I needed to prepare myself better for leaving the safety of the station.

How, exactly, was I going to do this? Technically speaking, I had two things I could try.

The first optional solution was, ironically, the same thing that landed me in this mess. If Glaustro was to be believed, now that I had maxed out my ascension meter, I could continue to sacrifice souls to the Abyss in hopes of inducing helpful mutations.

There had to be a brain-related mutation available that would help me process both my emotions and my mana senses better. In fact, that seemed like a relatively basic mutation all ascendant demons would need when the Abyss lifted them into their new bodies.

The only problem was the cost. With the new requirement of bargaining with the Abyss, whatever that actually meant, I had no clue whether my remaining souls would be enough. Additionally, Glaustro’s wording suggested that the process of continued self-improvement through soul sacrifice would come with additional pitfalls of its own.

The second solution was simpler, even if it was more of a long-term project than something I could get done immediately.

Raising my level as a mage would naturally grant improvements to my body, too. In fact, increased mana perception and sensitivity were benefits which that path granted to its adherents, even if the increase in both was much slower than what the Abyss offered.

The problem with the second path was, of course, the relative limitation of what I had learned on Berlis.

Berlis wasn’t a powerful world. This led me to believe their mana accumulation technique wasn’t all that advanced, either. The best proof of that claim was the strain it put on my soul whenever I used it. I had to assume that more powerful worlds with denser mana would develop a more optimized approach to handling the blessing of those resources.

Likewise, while I was convinced that the Berlis path to power was universally viable, none of their people ascended past the level of a Grand Mage, defined by the nineteenth mana core layer limit. Not one ever managed to advance into the realm of Arch Mages.

I myself was firmly at the top of the ninth layer, needing just another nudge to finally overcome the divide and become an Advanced Mage. I simply hadn’t had the opportunity to sit down and make a serious push yet, distracted as I was by spending most of my time with Mia and Yules during my break.

Yet, as I looked back at the period, even with my newfound difficulties that might have been eased by more practice, I couldn’t bring myself to regret any of it.

I learned so much about enchanting. I got to de-stress and relax for the first time in forever. And, most importantly, I got to make memories happier than most I had access to.

It was, at least in part, those same memories that dragged me back from the brink. In that moment in the Absorption Station, it was the warmth and companionship I had enjoyed during my break that really jolted my mind from the downward spiral it was caught in.

If, in my desperate struggle for power, I completely neglected to live, would it even be worth it?

It was this thought that crystalized a resolution in my heart.

When I was finally done with all the finicky preparation for my emergence from the station, I was going to enjoy myself. I would drag Mia off to a shop or a restaurant. We would make ridiculous purchases and sample local food and drinks. Whatever the city had to offer, we were going to savor it.

Ever since Fortress City 12, the first city I invaded, I hadn’t bothered to look closely at the many demonic shops available in claimed cities. Sure, most of them would be dedicated to war in some way, but not all of them were like that. Right?

If there’s even a single frivolous shop in this entire city, I will find it.

With that vow burning in my heart, and my emotions firmly under control for the time being, I got ready to take just a few more minor risks.