Explosion. I, the handsome Dragonslayer jumped from a window. I was half-naked, except for a thing that looked like a long cloak. I dove into the cold arms of a small river.

So, you probably want to know how I did end up here? Having shagged my way trough four desperate and lonely wives. Avoided traps and acquired a special item for my employer?

Well, it begins two days earlier. It was evening and I had just said goodbye to my two companions.

I walked away from them, it seemed. But actually I was going towards a witch. There was a trick, if you would yell out the name of a witch and cry for help, the way would be shown to her. I admit, it wasn’t so manly to cry for help, but I think it didn’t count because I didn’t need any. Anyways, so I yelled out; ‘Fiodha, I need your help!’ and instantly, little light turned on. It was a path I could easily follow. There were torch-bugs and glowing mushrooms among other plants. They all led me north. I followed the path all night until I came to a small cabin. There the lights went out, leaving me standing alone in the darkness.

Boom! I bashed open the door with my food. And yelled,’Fiodha!’

In the back of the shack, which consisted of one main room, a little figure shot out of her bed like launched from a catapult.

‘What is it, most handsome Dragonslayer?’

‘Bitch, please. I have a request for you.’

‘What is it that your heart wants, oh mighty one?’ the witch asked.

‘I need a potion for me and my less fortunate friend to sneak into a castle. I need something to make us look different and for him to be more likeable.’

The witch cackled and walked over to her wall. It was full of shelves where pots and vials lay. Some dusty and empty, other clear as water and yet others contained a vile, yellow substance.

‘This is where I pee in when I don’t want to leave the house,’ she said. ‘But it’s also handy to trick visitors that I can concoct difficult potions.’

‘Bitch please,’ I just said.

‘The potion you search for does indeed exist, but there are only two of them. And they are very hard to get.’

‘Bitch please, just tell me where.’

‘Strangely enough, it’s not that far from here. There is a whorehouse that has this special potion hidden in it's basement.’

‘What, in the name of Shalion’s greasy balls is the potion doing there?’ I asked.

‘Bitch please!’ the witch yelled.

‘Hey, you just stole my catch-phrase! You can’t just-’

‘Bitch, please. Just go there and do what I need you to do, handsome one. And I will grant you back your catch-phrase.

I walked to the door. But she called me back.

‘Dragonslayer, be careful. You need to find the key. Find the lock, then grab the potions.’

‘Exactly in that order?’ I asked. Then I walked out the door without saying another word.

There was a bug in front of me that led the way with his glowing ass. I followed it through the dark forest until the woods made way for a large, paved road. By then, the sun had risen already. I shook off any tiredness and mumbled how sleep was for little children and weak-ass boys. At my right, I could see a giant house with a red roof.

Step, step, step. Knock. Show my handsome face. Inside. Boom. That easy. The man guarding the door, I could have taken out in one blow. But it wasn’t necessary. Pity, I thought. I found myself inside a large hall. There was a marble stair leading to the rooms on the floor above. At my right was a large door, half wood and glass. There were scarcely dressed women and laughing men. I wondered if I was attracted to them, as they were to me.

A look, a wink, a drink. Boom.

A whole day had passed and I didn’t find out where the key nor the lock was. But what bothered me most was my inability to use my catch-phrase. The girls were nice but none of them was hiding a key on them or the bed. Or the desk, floor, bathroom. I worked hard, but perhaps more busy with searching than actually finding.

Wonder where I got the money to stay in there? Bets. I am the king of bets. Especially when I bet on myself. I won with any physical activity, arm-wrestling, knife throwing, wrestling. But my speciality was drinking. I could out-drink anyone. Why? Because I'm the king of drinking.

At the end of my second day, I realised something. I wasn’t there to party or act as the alpha. It didn’t matter who had the biggest. (though it was obviously me)

Instead, I should have focused on the task at hand. I didn’t find the key yet, nor the lock. So I pushed a girl away and tried to think clearly. Now I understood why one would hide something here. Because you would look for something else.

So I resisted any temptations and searched. Every cupboard, every room, even if they only contained candles and broomsticks.

Then I found this lab. A very cold and clean looking lab. Along the walls were bookcases full of dusty books. Full of empty vials and a bed with leather straps (not the cool kind) and small cages. The most bizarre thing of all was perhaps, the cats. There were cages with cats everywhere. Just born cats, crawling up to their mother. Black cats meowing in the shadow. I shrugged and searched for the potion. I was more of a dog-person anyways.

Suddenly I heard a door open and inside came a woman. She was a bit older than the other girls, but still had the posture of a queen. Her skin was clean as milk. Only her grey eyes gave away the passing of winters into summers. She was also pretty tall, her forehead would bump into my chin, should she continued to walk.

She stood there for a minute it seemed. Not saying anything. I said, ‘Ask and you shall receive.’

Then she inspected me from my shoes to my hair. Then stared me directly in the eyes.

‘I know who you are.’

At long last we’re getting somewhere, I thought.

‘And who are you? What’s your name?’

‘My name is List. And I am the matron of this establishment. What are you doing here? The fun is upstairs, honey.’

I decided to just tell her bluntly. ‘I need the potions hidden here.’

‘You are an egoistic, egocentric, but damn handsome man, Dragonslayer,’ the woman said. ‘I will show you the chest.’

With her finger she bode me to come closer, and then she walked up the stairs. I followed her.

To the highest room we went. It was an enormous attic, which was empty except for one chest. It had a large, round keyhole.

The air was cold and it smelled like dust.

‘Thanks for the help, but what do I need to do now?’ I asked the woman. ‘I still miss the key.’

The woman just smiled and snapped her finger. In the shadow, a girl in a nightgown threw a vase in front of my feet. The vase pulverised on the floor, and weird damps flew up, right into my nostrils. All my strength seeped away. I fell to my knees, the ringing in my head louder than ever.

‘I knew someone would eventually find out about the potions. But if you knew what I used them for, you would not have come here.’

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I heard yelling from the other floors. But only men’s voices.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

‘You see, the women weren’t actual women. They were cats!’

I forced myself up to look at the place where the girl just had thrown the vase. Indeed a cat was standing there. The nightgown she wore was on the floor.

‘I use an extract of this potions to turn cats into beautiful girls.’

‘But why?’ I wondered aloud. ‘Why would one do that?’ I thought of all the fun I just had and realised I was just messing around with cats.

‘I would create an army of shapeshifters. Enough to overthrow the queen and her armies! And you helped me with that, Dragonslayer. Your cat children will be the strongest ones I have ever created!’

‘You crazy-ass woman. You can’t do that!’

Just try to stop me! Oh, and Dragonslayer, when the flames hit the chest, you go boom.’

She cackled and then ran away. I heard more men scream but now I could hear cats meow. I never thought to fear the meow of a cat. But there I was, fearing it.

Then I smelled smoke. Wisps of smoke rose from between the planks on the floor.

I must get out! I crawled to the only exit, the small latch. But I felt weak, so weak. I felt like Garvin trying to lift a bag of potatoes. Still, I crawled. Even when the smoke started to fill up the entire room. On the way to the latch, which seemed to take forever, I felt the silk nightgown in my hands. But the smoke had become too dense to look trough. I placed the soft fibres in front of my face and continued to crawl. Not seeing the hole, I fell right through and landed face-first on the floor beneath. Fire all around me. Curly red tongues, licking away at everything. I wasn’t ready to let the fire consume me. But I was too weak to continue.

Then something moist hit my cheek. It was a cat.

Meow.

‘What?’

Meow.

Meow? Meow? Meow!

I woke up. The poisonous vapour left my body. My sweaty head got more clear.

The cat ran towards something I couldn’t see. Yet I did not hesitate. I grabbed the poor animal and sprinted down the hallway. Trough the fire and flames, licking my legs.

A window appeared right when I- crash.

I flew through the air, as behind me the entire building blew up. The nightgown waved in the wind like a cape.

So, that’s how I got in the water. Who knew right? Who knew that this whorehouse was, in fact, a factory to create an army of cats, ready to overthrow Ar’Moor? I certainly didn’t but never mind. Let’s jump right back into the story. I just managed to swim to the shore, and the cat was still in my arms.

I spat out water and crawled away from the water.

‘Damn that crazy woman!’ I yelled. The cat stared at me, and with a flash of green light, turned into a girl. She was naked, so I threw the nightgown on her. It didn’t help much because it was soaking wet. But at least it made me think more clearly.

In the distance, the house was burning to the ground.

‘We need to go now, Dragonslayer.’

I turned around, three girls were standing on the elevated ground. The moon shone behind them. The middle one had a sword in her hand.

‘You? Are you also cat’s? I mean, from the... Burning building?’

‘List is moving fast through the woods nearby. She is moving her army north of here. If we want to intercept her, we must leave now.’

I got up and climbed up the slope. There, they gave me my sword.

‘Thank you,’ I mumbled.

So, together with the four cat ladies, we dashed through the forest. Soon enough, we could hear the meowing of a hundred cats.

‘We must grab the two potions, so she can’t do her experiment anymore. What do we do with the other cats?’

‘We must set our brothers and sisters free. But if we have to fight, fuck ‘em.’

Wait, brothers?

The meowing got louder and louder, like the sound of ghosts moaning around a graveyard. A giant parade of cats moved trough the trees. In the middle of them all, was List. I did not waste a second. Instead, I charged at them like barbarians to war. Cats jumped in front of me, but my found companions got my back. I was spear-pointing the whole operation, and no cat could avoid my blade. There was List, yelling orders like a crazed wench.

‘You can’t stop me, Dragonslayer!’

Two cats glowed green, and they rose as two strong men. They tore long branches off a tree and held them like spears.

They charged at me. I could see List getting away.

I duelled the two strongmen. As their name suggested, they were strong. The sticks they carried were so long they could hold me at bay. Behind me, I could hear cats fight. Always further was I pushed. Until we were surrounded by naked men and women, all still meowing. List looked at the scene from a safe distance. ‘My children, bring me their heads!’

I touched the plants around me. But they were too moist to burn effectively.

Fine, I may have no trick left up my sleeve. And I may have no sleeve. But I still have a pointy sword.

We charged the two men with the sticks and I managed to slash my way through one of them. The other was having his eyes clawed out by my found friends.

Of a sudden, I could see little lights in the forest. They were forming a path. More than just one path, they formed an intricate web.

Then it started to rain.

The men and women turned to cats one by one in great puffs of smoke. List screamed incomprehensibly.

I looked up to the roof of the trees. This rain was magical. And cats hated water. With haste, they all ran away in search for protection.

I saw that my way was clear so I dashed towards List.

She screamed and tried to evade me the last second. But I swung my blade too fast to duck from. Her head rolled off her body.

The rain stopped and the little lights became stronger. So strong the whole battlefield had become visible. Corpses were scattered everywhere, but the rain was already washing away the blood.

In the middle of it, all was a chest. It looked like the chest he found in the attic of the whorehouse. Only this one was much older.

Fiodha appeared from behind a tree. ‘Some things are only set in motion when a hero is ready to confront them. But here lies the reward, Dragonslayer. The potions you seek are in this chest.’

‘But how do I open them? I don’t have a key.’

Fiodha looked at me and smiled. ‘Don’t you know? You are the key.’

I stared at the round hole of the chest. Then back to the witch. ‘You don’t mean that..’

She smiled.

A soft, warm hand touched my shoulder. The catgirls who fought with me stood beside me. There were only three.

‘You can do it, Dragonslayer.’

So I pulled down my pants. In the middle of this carnage, I pulled down my pants.

I’m sure you know what happened next. Yes, I inserted something inside the chest. And yes it opened.

The chest unlocked itself and I saw two potions. A black and a pink one. The black vial was long and pointy in shape. The pink one was round and short.

‘You have completed your quest,’ Fiodha said.

I turned towards her. ‘Bitch please.’

She gasped for air.

‘That’s right I took my catch-phrase back. But also, I will never use it again. It’s stupid.’

Fiodha smiled and walked away. The lights went out one by one. I turned to the three cat ladies.

‘What will you do now?’ I asked.

‘We will hunt down all other cats that want to harm others or continue the plans of List. Thank you, Dragonslayer to have uncovered this mystery. Most men..’

‘I wish I realised this all quicker. And I promise you I will have more respect for cats from now on.’ I said.

‘How about respect for women?’

‘I promise.’

The three laughed and kissed my cheeks. I blushed.

‘Go now, Dragonslayer. As a better man,’ they said.

And that’s what happened.

Garvin read it with a great deal of scepticism and disbelief.

‘No way this happened! Why the cat ladies helped you? Why didn’t they run away? Why did the witch not know about all this? Why did List not kill you in your sleep? Cats running away from water? And what about all the customers that died in that whorehouse?’

‘Dude, don’t ruin a good story! Where was the time when you believed what I said? And about the customers. Fuck ‘em.’

The Dragonslayer smiled and walked away. Leaving Garvin with an angry face, reading his words again and again.