TJ regretted a lot of things. The time he’d pissed all over the high school locker room floor as a dare. Or the time that he’d jumped onto a motorcycle he didn’t know how to ride and crashed it into a wall. The time he’d purposely twisted Mari’s words against her in an argument and made her cry. Somewhere between the second and the third was how he felt now, deliberately searching for a rattlesnake to fight mano a mano. Doubting himself and everything he’d done to get to this point, TJ glanced once again at his “Divine guidance”.

Requirements to manifest the ability to harness your bloodline:

1. Locate a rattlesnake.

2. Defeat the rattlesnake with your bare hands.

3. Consume the rattlesnake whole.

The Feathered Serpent assures you that, if you complete these tasks, even if you are bitten, you will not need to worry about the rattlesnake’s venom.

The hours until sunrise had passed fitfully, TJ unable to sleep once he’d seen this latest assignment from the System. Or, from Kukulkan himself, if his dream was to be believed. The guttering flames and incessant questioning of the System were all that could occupy his mind. Could he actually do it?

No matter how many times the System assured him that, This is a rare occurrence, and the Divine System suggests you follow it, TJ had been taught from when he was a little kid that you didn’t mess with rattlesnakes. His tough as old boots grandpa had killed one once with a bowie knife from about 10 feet away. The damn geezer had then chased the 11 year old TJ around with the corpse, promising that it “probably” wouldn’t bite TJ if it touched him. He’d cried for almost an hour afterwards, and TJ’s mom had chewed her father out for it.

“I really shouldn’t do this.” TJ muttered to himself as his stiff fingers lifted a bough of prickly branches. The System had warned him that even using the pelts of the coyotes as improvised armor could keep him from qualifying. There wouldn’t be second chances if he was being deceived about the venom of the rattlesnake. People could survive a bite, but only with the proper antivenin. There wouldn’t be any chance for TJ to reach a hospital with the proper equipment. Even so, that deep feeling in his core that he needed to follow this avenue offered to him kept TJ hiking forward, checking under large rocks and under thick scrub brush whenever he thought a snake could live there.

The hike continued, and TJ grew more and more antsy as he went. He’d taken the time delaying leaving to go to his possible death by cooking up some more of the coyote meat. It hadn’t gone bad yet, he supposed, but TJ didn’t think he could eat any more of it without risking food poisoning or worse. Maybe it was his imagination, but he swore that his sour stomach wasn’t anxiety or nerves but the beginnings of his ignominious death by diarrhea induced dehydration.

And, of course, when he was whining about his upset tummy was when the rattlesnake struck from under a rock TJ poked his head under. The fangs flashed, and pain erupted in TJ’s nose. The snake held on for an extra moment to deliver its venomous payload. He reached up and wrenched it free. Unprompted, a System notification appeared in his vision, distracting him.

Warning: you are suffering from a Severe Poisoned affliction (Dirt). You will continue to lose 20 HP a minute until the Poison condition is cured. Current HP: 107/140

“Fuck!” he screamed as his nose and eyes burned. With a quick thought, TJ dismissed the notification as he looked at the ambushing asshole. The snake was huge, bigger than any rattlesnake TJ had ever heard of. When he held it out in his outstretched hand, there was still half the snake dragging on the ground, so like 12 feet long. Though TJ held its head, and thus the only dangerous part out from his body, he got the distinct sense the snake was still threatening. He hadn’t thought to look at its tail, still under the rock it had struck from. That same tail shot out of the shadows, tipped not with a rattle but a scorpion’s stinger.

Only barely did TJ react in time, jerking his right hand out of the path of the needle-sharp appendage. Unfortunately, in his panic, he dropped the snake.

“Oh no you don’t!” He screamed as the stupid thing slithered as fast as it could away from him. He lunged, knees scraping painfully against the rocky dirt. His left hand caught the tail of the devil-snake just above where the stinger still threatened him, a gob of venom dripping from the tip. Held back from its escape, the rattlesnake whirled back at TJ, and though he had the presence of mind to keep hold of its tail, it used his anchoring hand as a reference point to strike. Its fangs struck true once again and sent another lethal dose of venom into his left hand.

Through the agony, confusion, and frustration, TJ kept hold of the snake with his left and grabbed its skull with his right. Its stinger in one hand and face in the other, TJ had the snake like a jump rope. Without another thought but pure fear-driven rage, he whipped it into the ground again and again, the body thumping heavily with every strike. After the fourth devastating smash, TJ somehow tweaked his back and he roared in anger as the snake’s broken body slumped from his fingers.

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It still hissed a threat as TJ went to end it. Its tail twitched threateningly, and TJ stomped down on the tail, the six inches of chitin cracking audibly as he did so. Then, as the rattlesnake attempted to flee again, he grasped it behind the head. The little bastard had bitten him, twice! An unnatural anger surged in TJ’s chest, and he screamed into its face, “You pathetic reptile! You think you can compare to the Feathered Serpent? A god!” Then, without thinking about it, he opened his mouth unnaturally wide and, with a single chomp, bit the rattlesnake’s head off.

Serket-blessed Rattlesnake, Level 3, Slain. Experience gained. Majority of experience stored until acquisition of Class. Small portion of experience allocated to Savage Occupation. Zealot Class acquisition requirements progress: 4/5

Warning: you are suffering from a severe Poisoned affliction (Dirt). You will continue to lose 20 HP a minute until the Poison condition is cured. Current HP: 86/140

Ignoring the appearance of the System notification, the iron taste of blood exploded in his mouth, and TJ gagged and spit the head out. Why did he just do that? The blood was horrendous, and he–

“Oh, shit. Shit shit shitshitshit.” He needed to eat the thing whole. TJ was going to die in just a couple minutes unless he somehow completed the instructions that Kukulkan/the System had given him. Gagging on blood and his own human instincts, TJ picked the head back up and shoved it into his mouth. The severed head was at least the size of an adult man’s hand, and a part of TJ wondered how he was getting the whole thing into his mouth, but he didn’t allow himself to think about it any longer. Instead, with the head slowly choking him, TJ raised the rest of the rattlesnake like a giant spaghetti noodle to his mouth. He swallowed.

And again. And again. And then, his hands no longer held the rattlesnake’s corpse. As a matter of fact, his hands no longer existed. Neither did his legs. He laid on the ground, his throat muscles contracting almost reflexively as the rattlesnake was forced deeper and deeper. It took nearly a minute for the huge serpent to disappear fully down TJ’s throat, and as it did, another System notification appeared.

Congratulations! You have qualified to acquire the Neophyte Class! Would you like to acquire the Class?

“Thissssss issss different than before. What issss happening?” TJ spoke, the “s’s” unnaturally and unwillfully long and sibilant.

WARNING: The System can give you additional information about the class before acquisition. However, you are suffering from a severe Poisoned affliction (Dirt). You will continue to lose 20 HP a minute until the Poison condition is cured, and the acquisition of the Neophyte Class will cure your severe Poisoned affliction. Current HP: 39/140

“Yessss! Acccccept!”

Class: Neophyte unlocked. You have seen the Zealot’s simplicity, the Acolyte’s frailty, and the Disciple’s weakness and you deny them all. You are ready to embrace the Divinity within and allow that Divinity itself to fuel you in body and soul. The Neophyte can display the Zealot’s brute force, the Acolyte’s cunning, and the Disciple’s guidance. You are a Neophyte, the apex of your Divine Bloodline. Per level attributes gained at the Dirt level of Divinity: Endurance +3, Vitality +3, Toughness +2, Wisdom +1, Intelligence +1, Perception +1, Willpower +2, Fixation +2, Free Points +1.

Class: Neophyte acquired

Class: Neophyte has advanced to level 1.

Attribute points allocated: Endurance +3, Vitality +3, Toughness +2, Wisdom +1, Intelligence +1, Perception +1, Willpower +2, Fixation +2, Free Points +1. Additional Free Points currently available.

Class Skill: Divine Transformation acquired.

As a result of your Divine Transformation into a lesser coatl, you have been cleansed of all poisons from below the Copper tier.

TJ allowed himself to breathe easy, seeing that this snake-like form he’d somehow gained kept him from dying. Then, he finally allowed himself to take in the information about this new Class he’d managed to gain. “That’sss way better than the Ssssssavage’ssss attributessss!” He immediately complained once he saw the bonuses from his new Class.

The total number of attributes granted per level of Occupation: Savage is 15. The total number of attributes gained per level of Class: Neophyte at the Dirt Level of Divinity is 16. A deviation of 6.25% is unremarkable at this level.

After a moment’s thought, TJ realized that, of course, the System was correct. Instead of thinking about any perceived injustices he was currently suffering, TJ took the moment to look at himself as best as he could.

His shorts and jacket were still wrapped around him, though they no longer fit. The “torso” of this snake body was just a little bit smaller than as thick as his neck was, going off of how he fit through his jacket’s neckline. If he was to guess, this snake, or coatl body was about 20 feet long, and he experimentally slithered out of his clothes. His new body, as he feared to think of it as, was patterned with stripes and scales of varying shades of green and red. As his body undulated, he realized that the serpentine movement came surprisingly easily to him, and TJ curiously stuck his nose into the rattlesnake’s den. It was a sorry affair, filled with its feces, sour air, and nothing else.

TJ turned his snout up at the hovel the pathetic reptile had occupied and couldn’t help but notice out of the corner of his eye a couple of feathers attached to his head. Wondering if he looked like the Kukulkan in his dreams, TJ instead looked at his discarded clothing. What was he going to do about this? “Am I sssstuck assss a ssssnake?” TJ dreaded to ask.

Your current form as a coatl is due to the activation of your Class Skill: Divine Transformation. Most Neophytes fight through the transformation of their bodies, and the duration of the transformation is dependent upon an aggregate sum of the Participant’s Endurance, Vitality, Willpower, and Fixation and divided by 4. With your current attributes, you can spend up to 14 minutes in a row while under the influence of your Divine Transformation before needing to take twice as long as a recovery period. The duration and limitations of this Skill will change as the Skill progresses.

Damn. And… what exactly does this Skill do for me?