Lasaro

I found it hard to concentrate on what was going on around me. My sister should have reached the capital by now, but my Mistress refused to tell me how she was fairing. “A distraction” was her excuse for her lack of information. Personally I felt distracted because I didn’t know how she was.

The most I had gotten from my Mistress was that my sister had arrived safely and was staying in the villa reserved for the Nadir Illustrious. I had yet to visit those quarters myself, but my new advisors had assured me that they were well maintained by the staff there.

Neara clung to my side once more and I rested my right hand on her head. She had grown attached to me during our short time together to point that I suspected that she had been starved for attention before our meeting. I knew of the destruction of her village, and that Sol and Cadfael had taken her in, but I did not know how long she had been alone on that island.

Her parents must have been very loving for her to cling to me so much.

I looked at Sol from the corner of my eye. She was frowning as she looked down at Neara before turning her attention back to Melinde. We had exchanged very few words with each other, but I expected that. I had torn her soul from her body and reattached it with my blade. At the time I thought that was the only way to separate my Mistress from Sol’s body. If I had been any less favored by the god, she probably would have killed me the moment my blade touched Sol’s flesh.

Was I the first mortal that she loved? Had she had other champions in the past that she had chosen because of a strange infatuation with them? If so, what became of them?

I shook my head to clear my mind. It would do me no favors to linger within my deepest thoughts.

Melinde clapped her hands together. “So, are we going down to the beach to practice?” she said in a cheery voice. I smiled at her.

“That would be the best choice.”

“In that case, I know someone I can borrow a skiff from. With that we should be able to get far enough from the shore so no one recognizes me. I’ll go put that together. Sol, why don’t you come with me?”

“Alright,” Sol said softly.

Melinde picked up her soaking shoes, opened the front door, and then placed them on the stone step outside before going to her room. Rolan finished mopping the floor and then went through the back door with bucket and mop. His mother came out of her room in a new dress and a second pair of shoes.

“I might have to start walking around barefoot like Waterfolk,” she said chuckling. She took Sol’s hand. “Let’s go. Rolan! Watch the house for me!”

“Yes Ma’am!” her son said as he ran into the room from the kitchen.

“No running!” Melinde said before bowing to me. “I apologize for his behavior,” she said then left.

As soon as the door closed behind her Rolan turned his gaze to Neara. I could tell that he some interest toward the girl. Was it because she was the first Waterfolk child that he had met? I wonder if his parents would be willing to leave Locksin and live in Nadir. Arno’s skills would be well received among the ranks of my guards; no to mention his experience with Landwalkers would help our people transition into the Prince’s new peace treaties.

Having a mixed family may show that Landwalkers were no different than us, a lesson that had taken me too long to learn.

“Hey, Neara, do you wanna play with me?” Rolan asked as he fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.

“Uhm… okay?” Neara said softly. She looked up at me with her large black eyes. “Eminence, may I go play?”

“Of course, little one.”

Her face brightened. “Okay!” she let go of my hand and shuffled over to Rolan.

“I have a box of toys! I’ll let you choose one,” Rolan said before taking the girl’s hand and leading her to his room.

I sat down in front of the fireplace and closed my eyes. I found myself in Death’s halls and couldn’t stop myself from sighing. How was I going to rest after our long trip?

She appeared before me with her shifting faces and flowing robes. Unfettered, her power flowed over me with a strong chill that made my bones ache. I dropped to my knees and pressed my forehead against the marbled floor. I saw my breath escape my lips in a thin white vapor as the air around me became thicker, crushing me and expelling what little air I had left in my lungs.

“Please…stop…” I gasped before my throat closed.

“You dare order me again?”

No sound escaped my lips when the weight of mountains came down upon my back like a battering ram. Every part of my body alternated between chills and flames as I screamed in silence. Blood bubbled upon my lips like sea foam as my teeth snapped like twigs. I could hear the rest of my body breaking around me like grain under a mill stone.

The pain seemed to go on for an eternity until it stopped instantly. My limps became whole, but my body felt numb as my god lifted me from the ground and carried me out of her throne room into a smaller room with a hot spring. The waters of the spring were golden and filled with glowing lights that bobbed like a pod of jellyfish at the surface.

The Mistress did not stop her gait when she reached the edge of the pool and waded deep into its waters. I felt the unbearable heat rising from the liquid as she continued to wade forward until our bodies were completely submerged.

Her body defied the water and her feet remained firmly at the bottom of the pool while I began to float up. She continued to cradle me to her chest as I breathed in the molten liquid. It rushed through my body and lit up my veins in a fiery glow. The back of my head and my sinuses ached as my body pumped the golden waters through my bloodstream.

The lights above us coalesced against my skin then formed a new layer to cover my skin. The Mistress released me and I floated to the surface. I opened my eyes and found Rolan and Neara leaning into my face.

“You’re awake!” the little boy said. “Can you come play with us?”

I stood up stiffly, my whole body aching. “Yes,” I said in a hoarse voice. I cleared my throat. “What are you playing?”

A worried frown covered Neara’s brow as she looked at me.

“Eminence, you don’t have to play with us. You should get some more rest.”

I wondered if she guessed what I had been enduring. She placed a small chilly hand against my cheek and wiped away a line of moisture that had escaped the corner of my eye.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“I’m sure. We’ll be fine. Let’s go, Rolan.” This time she took the boy’s hand and led him out of the room.

I wiped my eyes of the remaining moisture and then stood up to stretch. My bones felt denser in my body as I moved stiffly to the kitchen. I found a jug of water and an earthenware cup. My hands shook as I poured spilling drops of water over the cutting board on which my cup rested. I paused, took a deep breath, and then carefully set the jug down.

The water tasted stale, but I continued to chug it down. I began to crave salt, but I didn’t know where Melinde kept it in her house.

I rapped my knuckles against the wood. Was it really worth it to be a champion of a god? Was my duty really important? Four hundred years had passed since the flood. If this abomination had been capable of such destruction then, why hadn’t it continued it? Why hadn’t more land been lost?

For the first time I wished that I had wine to dull my thoughts. I cringed as it brought to mind my half-sisters and their mother. I promised myself that I would be nothing like them.

‘How do you feel?’

‘Sore,’ I growled. As much as she punished me, I only felt mildly irritated speaking with her. If given the chance, I would repeat my actions all the same. Cadfael did not deserve to die for his wife’s transgression. That, I firmly believed. I would accept my punishment over and over, but would my mind be able to endure it? When did punishment cross the line into an abuse of power?

Didn’t the powerful owe to the weaker protection? A man with all his strength protected his family and land, in return his wife and offspring cooked, cleaned, and mended for him. He maintained order in his household to protect his family and dealt justice as needed.

If food was stolen, the child went without a meal, if a tool was broken, they fixed or replaced it. But if the father began to beat the child and his wife, didn’t he cross the line? Did justice become a façade for him to exercise power over his holdings?

I had failed my Mistress and attacked her. I had prevented her from dealing punishment to Sol and now I suffered the fate of her husband. If I didn’t continue to accept this, would she kill Cadfael? The prince needed loyal allies, of which he was one. If he were to die the powers would shift as his son became ruler of North Hold. Depending on who was regent, influence could be maintained or lost in the north. It was my duty to protect my prince’s interest, but at what cost to me?

Was I suffering needlessly?

I heard the front door open and closed. I walked down the hall and found that Sol and Melinde had returned. Melinde’s face was flushed, but she smiled brightly at me. “Hey! We can borrow the boat as long as we bring it back. We’ll take the children with us. This will give Rolan a chance to be himself.”

I smiled at the thought. How often was the boy allowed to swim as Waterfolk?

“I do have a question, for you, Eminence Sol,” I said. I watched her stiffen before her gaze slowly met mine.

“Yes?” she said in a heated voice. I took a moment to shake off the threatening tone.

“Since I have given Lady Melinde my Grace, will I still be able to return to my Watefolk form?” I was mildly afraid that her answer would be no, but I trusted that my Mistress would not let me remain in a land bound form.

“You can, all you have to do is enter the water as I did.”

“Thank you,” I said and bowed to her.

“Eminence Lasaro, may I speak to you for a moment?” Melinde asked. Her eyes looked worried as I nodded. “In my room.”

I arched a brow, but followed after her. She shut the door before sighing. “I know I should have said something last night, but we were all exhausted.” She began to clench and unclench her hands. “I’m worried about Sol. She…t-tried to kill herself when she first arrived here. I’m scared to leave her alone for long periods of time in case she tries to do it again. The thing is… I can’t be certain that she won’t try again!”

Her bottom lip quivered and I could see tears rising in her eyes. I felt my heart ache in response to the burden she must be feeling.

“I know it’s a lot to ask, especially considering the circumstances that led us all to being here, but…Could you… Could you make sure that she’s not left alone for too long? Dorotea and Ryaa can’t do anything to stop her if she tries again.”

“Hmm…” I mumbled. This would be worrying. I hadn’t expected Sol to be suicidal, but since she failed she could start directing those dark emotions outwardly. I had seen men with fractured minds that had hurt and killed the people around them while trying to hurt themselves. Since I was directly responsible for some of her pain, it was possible she would not hesitate to hurt me if I tried to stop her from hurting herself.

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Still, I had made a promise to her husband to bring her home and I had made an oath to my Mistress to destroy the abomination. I would help Sol as much as I was able. Did this make me a soft-hearted fool? Would it be better for my Mistress to release Sol from her duties and allow her to return home?

‘Lasaro, more of my handmaidens have gathered in Illuria. We don’t have time for you to dally in Artus. Train Melinde to swim and go!’

“Why the sudden rush?” I said aloud. My Mistress appeared beside us, startling Melinde. She shrank away from the god before curtseying.

‘The abomination seems to have been hiding how much power he has left. I thought my last confrontation had left him severely crippled in his current body… I was wrong. He’s weakened my influence in Illuria.’

“How is that even possible? You’re Death!” Melinde said covering her mouth with her hands.

‘On this plane he holds more dominion because he can have a physical presence without altering it. This body that you see before you is merely a projection,’ my Mistress said as she raised her hands. ‘Without a physical body it’s harder for me to interfere with what isn’t mine. A fact that he’s using to his advantage.’ She faded away and I ground my teeth in frustration. What more was she not saying? How was Death so powerless? If they couldn’t defeat the abomination remotely, what gave us a chance?

I looked at Melinde and saw the same uncertainty on her face that I felt. She was gripping her skirt tightly in her hands while her shoulders trembled. “Don’t worry, we can defeat this demon,” I said.

“Mmm…” Melinde murmured. “Right now it seems so farfetched.”

“Just focus on swimming for now. We’ll worry about what comes after later.”

“Agreed.”

She opened the door to the dining area. Sol was sitting at the table and tracing designs on its wood. She looked up with a sour look on her face as she met my eyes. Would she ever forgive me for attacking her? How many more times would I need to apologize?

“Where are the kids?” Melinde asked.

“Outside I think,” Sol said then went back to looking at the table. Melinde sighed audibly then went to our right down the short hall. I stayed in the dining area and stared at Sol.

“Eminence, how are you feeling?” I asked softly. She stiffened before balling her hands into fists.

“I’m fine,” she grunted.

“I’m sorry. I know you must be hurting on the inside.”

“Don’t presume to know how I feel.”

I circled around the table and sat across from her. She continued to stare at the table. “Will you at least talk to me?”

“Why?”

“We’re a team now. If we can’t talk, how can we work together?”

Her eyes moved to look at me while her head remained bowed. She began to chew on her bottom lip. Shadows had formed under her bloodshot puffy eyes. Had she been crying while we were talking?

“I hate this!” Sol said abruptly. “I thought I was a champion, but now I know I’m just…nothing, and because of me my husband is hurting,” Sol said. She pressed her forehead against the table and sobbed. “I’m a horrible person. I almost got my husband killed because I was stubborn. I don’t want you to be nice to me…I don’t want anyone to be nice to me!” She slammed her fist against the table. “I don’t deserve it! And you, you act like it’s no big deal to kill and resurrect someone. You should have let me die. You did me no favors by resurrecting me.”

I began to feel peeved and ground me teeth. Did she really think that it was that easy for me to kill her? I had killed dozens of people before her, but none of their deaths made it easier to mete out the next. I was a killer, I couldn’t change that about myself, but I could change how I treated the ones around me. I had been given a blade with the power to cleave souls. Without out it I never would have been able to save her life or Lord Cadfael’s.

“Do you know the burden I suffer for saving you?” I said carefully. Sol’s sobs quieted and she lifted her head to glare at me. I returned it with a hardened look. “Our Mistress has had me relive the punishment meant for your husband every night since I defied her. I am crushed like a rotted fruit in a grocer’s hand by a force that can crumble mountains. I can’t breathe nor scream. All I can do is feel pain.”

Sol grayed and covered her mouth with her hand. She trembled as she looked at me. “You…didn’t need to save me,” she said stubbornly.

“No, I wanted to. Aren’t you happy that your husband is alive? Aren’t you happy that you can see him again?”

“I am, but-”

“No! No ‘buts’. Go ahead and hate me or curse me; I don’t care. What I don’t want to hear is you giving up your second chance. Our Mistress could have reversed your revival at any time, but she didn’t. You are important to her, you’re not nothing.” I reached across the table and held her left hand. “I would take this torment a thousand times over because I believe what I did was right.”

She shook her head and drew away her hand. Her mouth opened and closed like she wanted to say more, but had stopped herself. The trembling in her body grew. She folded her arms on the table and buried her face in them.

“I’m…sorry…” she said in voice barely above a whisper. “I’m…so angry. I can’t control it. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being angry with you… or with myself… Just give me some space.”

“I understand, Eminence,” I said bowing my head. Did I really expect her to forgive me instantly? Our lives were a complicated mess directly overseen by our deity. This anger she felt was probably the only control she felt in her life right now. I would not fault her for carrying a grudge, but I hoped it wouldn’t get in the way of our duty.

I scooted my chair back and stood up from the table. I felt a chill as my Mistress rested her arms on my shoulders. ‘My other handmaidens have reached the outskirts of Naomi. They are waiting on your arrival,’ she whispered in my ear.

“Understood,” I said. I fought the urge to brush her away. I knew she would take the action as a slight and I wasn’t willing to find out how she would punish me for it. Instead I let her embrace me for a short moment longer.

Sol

Why did he come talk to me? Didn’t he see that I don’t want to be around him? The only reason I stayed in the house was because I had to work together with him. Wasn’t it enough that I kept to myself? Why did he need to bother me?

I watched him stand then saw the Mistress whisper something in his ear. His face became blank and his lips thinned in discomfort. For a brief moment I was happy that he was scared, I was happy that he was being punished for what he’d done.

I dug my nails into my palms. I was being unfair. Lasaro was being kind and I was taking advantage of it. He saw a threat and as a warrior challenged it. Because of his closeness to the Bone God, he knew that I was not acting under my own power. He made the decision to save me and my husband when he didn’t have to. I was being horrible to him with little justification. I knew this, so why didn’t the anger go away?

Why was I still hurt by the fact that he’d saved us?

I blinked back a few tears. Why couldn’t I get rid of my anger?

Melinde returned to the dining room with the children in tow. Neara was practically skipping as she walked beside her new friend. She had opened up to Rolan and Lasaro more than she had with me or Vael. She was even smiling instead of hanging her head and cowering.

I thought back to the ship we had destroyed days ago and shuddered. I should have protected her. I shouldn’t have had her help me kill those men. I was a monster. She could have gone her entire life without killing a single soul, but I had stolen that innocence from her.

I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a warrior like my mother. Killing was an inevitability that I had to face. I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel after taking my first life. I wasn’t prepared for the guilt I would face because of Cia. I could only imagine what was going through this child’s head.

I admired her resilience. It took a strong heart and mind to be able to smile when faced with tragedy.

That smiling face turned toward me and froze. I felt my heart sink for a moment before Neara ran up to me and hugged me. “Eminence, we’re going swimming. Are you coming too?” she said.

“I-I am,” I said.

“Yay, I’m so excited! Rolan gets to wear his Grace too!”

“Yes.” I forced a smile. I didn’t deserve her smile, but I didn’t want to ruin it with my anger and guilt. I patted her on the head before standing up. “Are we ready to go?”

“I have everything I need,” Melinde said. She clapped her hands together once. “Okay, everyone follow me!”

“Like a duck?” Rolan asked. Melinde looked briefly embarrassed and shook her head.

“We don’t have to do the duck walk,” she said with a grimace.

“Pleease, I’m sure Neara hasn’t done it.” Her son began to bounce on his toes. I tilted my head. What was a duck walk?

Probably sensing my question Melinde looked at the rest of us. “The duck walk is what we do when we go down to the beach. Arno walks in front, I’m in the middle and Rolan is right behind us like a duckling following its parents.” Her cheeks turned red and she chuckled. “I know it sounds ridiculous.”

“Not at all,” Lasaro said. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

“Please?” Rolan said. “Neara, do you want to do it?”

“S-sure!” Neara replied.

Melinde sighed. “Okay kids, form a line behind me.” Rolan immediately stood behind his mother. Neara pulled me from my chair and stood behind him. I sighed and stood behind her. Ryaa appeared snickering and fell in behind me.

“Eminence Lasaro, are you going to join us?” Neara asked. He shook his head.

“You’ll need someone to protect the ducklings,” he said as he bowed. “I’ll grab my sword when we go through the kitchen.”

“Should I take my spear?” Melinde asked.

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“I’ll wrap it up so the neighbors don’t raise an alarm. Arno has enough problems with their gossip.”

After securing their weapons we all filed out of the house behind Lasaro and Melinde. We paused at the gate and Rolan began to giggle, his fists clenched under his chin as he danced in place.

“Are all of my ducklings here?” Melinde said.

“Quack!” Rolan yelled.

I cringed inwardly. Did they really expect me to say quack? I regretted agreeing to this game.

“Quack!” Neara said softly.

I felt a lump rise in my throat. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to make a fool of myself in front of an audience of strangers. My hands twisted around the dress that Melinde had lent to me as I ground my teeth.

Neara tugged on my sleeve.

Was it too late to back out of this? I could go to the sea ahead of them or just not play altogether.

“Sol,” Ryaa said. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

I shook my head. I was having a breakdown over a silly game. This was something that I could play with Aur, if I was still allowed to be around Vael’s son. Bile rose in my throat and I began to feel dizzy. I realized that I had been holding my breath and exhaled slowly.

I could do this. It was only a game. “Quack,” I said feebly.

“QUACK!” Ryaa yelled behind me causing me to jump. Neara covered her mouth as she giggled. I turned around to glare at him and he shrugged his shoulders. “At least I got her to laugh,” he said. I scowled before turning forward. I met his sister’s eyes and saw the worried question in them. I shook my head slightly. I didn’t want to talk about my sudden panic.

Her lips parted and she hesitated before saying, “All of my ducklings are here.” She opened the gate and we all filed out into the alleyway and down to the sea.

I sat in the boat as it bobbed and swayed on the waves of the Sparkling Sea. More bile had risen in my throat and I gripped the side of the boat tightly. My cheeks and jaw ached with phantom pain as Melinde threw the anchor over the side.

Why was it that I was fine with the Merry Dog, but this small boat scared me? My hands began to tremble violently as I fought back tears. I couldn’t take it anymore!

I sat on the side of the boat and rolled backward into the water. I heard several voices yell in surprise, but I ignored them as my body changed within a blink of an eye. I closed my eyes and let my body sink several feet below to the seabed. I saw shadows in the water above me and was soon joined by Ryaa and Neara.

“Lady Melinde wanted me to ask if you were okay,” the little girl sang shyly.

“I’ll be fine!” I replied sharply. She flinched and I felt my heart sink. She didn’t deserve my anger. I said nothing as she swam back up to the boat.

Ryaa stayed with me and placed his hand over my shoulder. “Sol… is this because of your kidnapping?”

I felt a tearing in my heart and my eyes ached. I was glad that Waterfolk couldn’t cry under water. This saved me from the embarrassment of crying in front of these people. I wanted to run away. I wanted to get as far away from that tiny boat as I could.

I could still feel the touch of hands on my throat. My nightmares had followed me into daylight as soon as I saw that small boat. I had forced myself to board it amid the quacking of the children as my resolve began to quake under the stress of my thoughts.

What if their spirits were haunting me invisibly like Ryaa had? What if they had found a way to actually harm me again from beyond death? Melinde had told me about the slap she had given Ryaa so it was possible that the spirits could figure out a way to affect the physical world.

What if Cia was still on the mortal plane? What if she tried to kill me again? What would save me then?

“You can still talk to me. You know that right?” Ryaa said as he tried to grab my attention.

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” I sang.

“If you don’t talk about it, how are you going to get better? I was with you, I know what happened.”

“But you couldn’t do anything because you’re dead! I got you killed. You don’t need to keep haunting me!”

Ryaa looked shocked before his eyes narrowed. “I’m staying by your side because that’s what friends do.”

“I don’t need you to be my friend! I need you to leave me alone!”

He threw his hands up. “You’re so difficult! What happened to the giggling happy woman that I met months ago? Where’d she go?”

“She died,” I sang in a low voice.

“Then we need to resurrect her. You can’t be angry all the time and expect to get better!”

“What if I can’t get better? What if this is my punishment for killing Cia, the pirates, my kidnappers, my own guards? How can a person who kills ever be happy?”

“By telling yourself that you deserve to be happy…”

“You act like it’s so simple! I don’t…I don’t…” I curled into a ball as anger, sadness, and fear fought for control in my heart. What was I to do?

I felt warm arms wrap around me and my eyes flew open. Melinde had swam down to me and was now holding me in her arms. She tried to say something to me, but the words were garbled beneath the water.

“You need to sing,” Ryaa said softly. “Sound gets distorted in the water.”

“Th-en wh-y do you sound normal,” Melinde sang.

“I’m dead. I’m not actually speaking with my mouth.”

“Oh…” Melinde turned her attention back to me. “Sol-“

“Leave her be,” I heard my mother say. I opened my eyes and saw her kneeling on the seabed. “Sol, you need to get up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I have watched these people tell you to move. They have told you it’s okay, but you only want to focus on yourself! The whole world is at risk because of a corrupted god, but you’d rather lay here whining about your feelings.

“Get up! I did not raise you to be weak. A warrior must be strong no matter how many times they are shattered. I have had my men and women bleed out in my hands because I made the wrong decision. I have watched my enemy die countless of times.”

“Mother, I can’t do it,” I sang. I clenched the rough sand in my hands tightly. “How can I be a warrior when I am haunted by the dead?” I said glaring at her.

“Our demons do not die, we become stronger! You are Sol, you are the radiant sun that banishes the shadows. You are the great fire that consumes and nurtures. Rise up, Sol. You are my daughter!”

I nodded. I wanted to be a warrior. I may have gained the titles of Lady and Eminence, but that’s all they were. I was born of my mother’s blood. I was meant to be a warrior. I didn’t need to let my ghosts haunt me. I didn’t need to be a champion. My family loved me as I am

My heart ached, but I needed to be strong otherwise I would only be a weight around the necks of my comrades. I bit my right hand until I drew a small bit of blood. The pain in my chest lightened as new pain filled my senses.

I could be strong, just like my mother said. I would find my inner light and I would make my demons cower.