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[Captain's log : Entry seven-zero-purse]
Someone was watching me, I was certain of it.
Their gaze lost track of me when I switched my job from System Wizard to a Real Estate agent.
The job earned me some credits to spare, so I decided to pay a visit to the nearest G-Mall to treat myself. Not having my implement was bothersome and I felt exposed and concerned without it.
I entered the shopping district trying not to think about Eight and her mysterious benefactors who had declared me an object of a world-wide manhunt.
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"You never know what delicious bargains you can find with a studious eye and carefully honed thrift detection software! The tantalizing promise of such deals makes each ramble through the G-Directorate mall complex most intriguing!" The mall doorway greeted me.
I tipped my hat to her.
"How's business?" I inquired.
"Business has seemed rather slow for a while," the mall Overmind replied with a sigh. "So slow I see the same satisfied customers on each perusal. They’re in no hurry these days, these lazy kids. There’s a crop of them in the theater that’s gotten rather thin and crunchy from watching so many amazing films back to back. The apps that run the theater must be very proud to have generated such a loyal fanbase!"
Nowadays the speakers only produce a faint wheezing noise while bursts of static light the screen. I’ll never understand these avant-garde pieces the youth are into."
"Ah. To each whatever floats his boat, I suppose," I replied. "Personally, I prefer the new 6D movie theater that I’ve set up in Captania with Pilot’s help."
"Six-Dee? My Goodly patron, consider me impressed!" The mall murmured. "What are you interested in today?"
"Hmmm," I mulled. "Nothing too artsy. Perhaps something useful. You don't perchance sell Wizard tools, do you?"
"Check the Sports Emporium," the Mall Overmind said. "A wordly establishment to better befit your interests. You won’t find that persnickety art theater crowd in a sports emporium!"
"So does this Emporium have..." I started to speak.
"It’s amazing what can be accomplished with unregulated artificial intelligence and maximum optimization equations!" The Mall elatedly blabbered. "I've got lots of interesting things that you might appreciate, my dear!"
I stepped into the sporting memorabilia store with a spring in my step. A greeter was napping on the floor and like the movie theater crowd he’d gone a bit dry and stiff.
"Good Tomorrow!" The greeter's uniform sang. "My, my a Real Estate agent! How wonderful!"
"Good tomorrow," I bowed. "I'm looking for..."
"Are you perchance interested in a genuine cardboard cutout of a Super-Star?" The greeter's uniform interrupted me.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
“Humans only ever made cardboard cutouts that looked good from one angle. The Good Systems made me look good from all angles, with perfect sound and a pitch-perfect personality matrix program!“ The cardboard cutout boasted.
I looked at it.
“Now, now, micheal-34590b, don’t brag about your lifelike, high-def display features. It puts off customers. Act natural,” wheezed a voice from an exceedingly crunchy Dex in the corner in a salesman uniform.
I turned to the Dex.
“Oh, don’t mind me,” hissed the Dex. “Maintenance around here has gone down the tubes, so I’m fused into the carpet. Not even hooked up to the mall grid at the moment. I’m sure they’ll get around to it eventually.”
“Say, are you interested in Michael, here?” the Dex added a moment later, its face creaking as its eyes appraised me, surveying my likely purchasing habits.
"While minions are always appreciated, sports stars are too high maintenance. The Snipster produces enough complainage as it is!" I scooted off before the Dex could run its Haggling.Exe program at me. The Sports Emporium lacked what I needed.
. . .
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Further perusal of the wares revealed many more hyper-optimized products created by Directorate apps with a thirst for commerce.
I briefly pondered the benefits of a bed so soft it sucked matter in like a black hole, offered me to the Mattress Emporium.
"You'll be so comfortable you'll never leave!" The salesgirl boasted from her position on the floor.
"Spoiling oneself with creature comforts does not befit a masterful leader," I replied to her.
The footwear-store vendor promised me shoes that could walk on all the things: space, time and even feelings. A personal-styled ad rendered itself in front of me:
image [http://rom.ac/img/108/ACROCS.jpg]
"Walking on Snippy's feelings would be of value, but I could always do such for free with a well placed comment, without degrading my visual appearance!" I pondered, waving the advert away. These shoes were indeed most unstylish - a clumsy clog molded from plastics, with holes for ventilation.
“I don’t understand,” moaned the sales app as I left her store, “Why doesn’t anyone want to buy the crocs that can walk across the universe?!"
The bank nearby promised me "An excellent mortgage of extra time", but their percentile loan rates were hideous and would surely suck out all of my valuable replay cycles and save-points, which were most necessary for solving Captania's future and past problems.
. . .
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Finally, in the store of fashions and accessories, beneath a room without a roof, I chanced upon a most masterful item befitting the noble leadership of Captania— at an unbeatable price!
Who but a mighty tyrant shall dare to carry their concealed weapons, delightful souvenirs and midday snacks in a bag adorned with the most dearly beloved serial killer of all times?
Snippy constantly mopes about the cyber-wraiths and eldritch horrors ambling about the wastelands, but the real murder-machines come in small, fuzzy packages! Why, in historical times at least thirty-three species had the pleasure of being snuffed out by adorable lil’ kitty cats. Many unsporting boobs tried to curb their murdering habit, but it couldn’t be done! Even the G-Directorate couldn’t eradicate them.
A sudden arrestment of the world supply of lol-inspiring cats would ensure a breakdown of society, ruining quarterly, nay yearly, earnings reports!
Such a symbol of cuddly bloodshed will surely curtail the Snipster’s most uncouth grumblings of “We need more clean water!” and “Can I please use the straw just once this year?”
And to think all of this is available to the savvy consumer for a mere [store data corrupted : seek mall staff assistance] credits! Such a nifty item might have escaped a lesser consumer, but not I.
The helpful staff member assisted me by demonstrating how to flourish the item in a most flattering pose.
"That shall do very nicely,” I commended the fine young lady. “Don’t worry, I will be sure to hold my arms just so, to both show the bold silhouette of my choice carry-on and accentuate my hourglass proportions.”
I started to take my prize from her, noting that she had a most unaccomodating affect despite her most chic posing advice. It required most unstylish tugging.
“You must work on your customer interactions,” I admonished her. “Nobody likes a stiff and standoffish shopping experience!”
I gave a final yank to free my acquisition and her arm popped clean off with a sparkly flutter of radioactive dust.
“Now, that’s overcompensating, but your effort is touchingly palpable.”
I attached the salesgirl's arm back on and went to the cashiers to pay for my acquisition.
I was a tad disappointed that the mall lacked what I needed, but hey maybe this stylish item would impress Charles!
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