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“It's your most lucky day!”
The dark trench coat boomed.
I lifted a brow, wondering which question was best to utter first. My G-Dir issued Dead Zone Tour Guide Emotive-Goggles lifted one of their lenses, replicating my facial expression. Who knew that my "blink-powered" G-Goggles would function this long when all other electronics had given up?
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“...So, what am I supposed to call you?”
I asked finally.
“Silly chap! I just told you! I am Zee Captain!"
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"But, I have many other juicy titles which can apply: Your grace, Lady of the lake, Your excellence, Your awesomeness, Zee all-mighty one, or My liege... But Zee Captain is also a moist sufficient title!"
I stared at the self-proclaimed lord or lady incredulously. It appeared that "Zee Captain" was completely serious about being a made-up Royalty.
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Extra radiation with your fries, anyone? I decided it was unimportant. Lord? Governor? Lady? Captain? Whatever.
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"The end of the world isn’t the best time to start getting picky about who you hang out with,"
I thought. "Besides, a little nuttiness couldn’t hurt anyone, right?"
My own tired mind was acting rather odd. For some weird reason I couldn't even begin to assign Captain a gender, no matter how hard I thought about it. Perhaps the thick, long coat and the face-covering mask sitting above layers of dark fabric were to blame.
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Perhaps there was something wrong with my brain. Whenever I thought of it, my thought-pattern skipped a beat and simply settled on "Captain". I filed it under "potential brain cancer/radiation poisoning/extreme exhaustion" and moved on.
“My name is Charles Snippy,”
I introduced myself.
image [http://rom.ac/img/3-f.jpg]
The Captain took my hand and shook it with far too much vigor and also a light touch. The handshake was firm and soft at the same time, like that of a strong man and also that of a small lady. It didn't help me determine the Captain's gender one bit and if anything made me feel more confused and annoyed.
My new enigmatic acquaintance wore a respirator, like all humanoids in the wasteland.
Can't survive without one out here. I recalled how one of my tourists took off his respirator for a "breath of fresh air" and then the entire group looked for his nose and ears…
I often wondered why some people simply disregarded my excellent "Wear your G-Dir approved mask at all times or your face will melt off" lecture. We never found the man's nose. I wasn't even sure what took it. There are a lot of questionable things in the Dead Zone. Things one should not think about, because thinking about them provides only indigestion, panic attacks and insomnia.
image [http://rom.ac/img/04b.jpg]
But... the Captain's respirator was different.
It seemed to catch the light at its middle bent in such a way that it looked like a perpetual smile.
Tapping the dark respirator with a finger and pondering, Captain twirled around as if on a ballet stage.
"Snippy, hmm?
image [http://rom.ac/img/04c.jpg]
"Snips, Snaps, Snoops, Sneeeepz, Snip-pie, Snapper, Snipping, Shnippeng, Zshnippeh, Snoppeh, Snaippeh, Snippeh!”
Captain hummed, testing numerous variations of my name.
I just stood there, listening to that endless rant, wondering how many more variations of my last name there could be. With each new variant, Captain's voice shifted ever so slightly from masculine to feminine tones. I wondered if there was an old, busted up voice modulator or something built into the mask.
Noticing my silence, suddenly, Captain hugged me tightly and proclaimed:
"Do not worry!
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Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
Captania offers jobs even to a sappy-chap of pittance such as yourself!
Why, you could be zee most perfect candidate for my new Snipping Division in which a position has just opened up due to unfortunate circumstances. Is it not karma itself that brought you to my office, with a name so fitting?"
"Unfortunate circumstances? Karma? Office?" I muttered.
The Captain's words offended me slightly. Sure, the zipper on my jacket was broken. Sure, my mask had some scratches. But I wasn't pitiful! I had my pride as a licensed Tour Guide. I polished my shoes last week... I think.
I stared at the Captain, trying to find flaws. There were plenty of them to be discovered.
The coat looked like a girl's long, thick, autumn, blue coat that was poorly painted over with black... something. The glittering star atop of the hat wasn't even real. It looked like a star that was cut out of several layers of tinfoil and stuck to the hat with some glue. In the game of pitifulness, where the prizes went to the most questionable and shabby outfit, Captain would definitely be the winner among the two of us!
I was dead tired, yes, but I was pretty sure that 'Snipping Division' wasn't a thing and that we were currently standing body-deep in the Dead Zone, facing the snow-sprinkled ruins of Eureka... not an office.
I didn't believe in Karma or luck. Believing in things was for gullible idiots, such as tourists that bought lottery tickets from the MAGS vending machine by the pound and then got excited when they won a Crunchybar TM snack that was worth less than the ticket.
image [http://rom.ac/img/04d.jpg]
"Falling pianos do not strike twice! Or do they...?"
Captain spoke looking up into the sky, as if expecting something extraordinary to happen there.
I looked at Captain and then, too, looked upwards.
Nothing was there except for gray, thick, stormy snow clouds. Pianos weren't the most dangerous thing in the Dead Zone by far.
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We stood silently in one spot, just staring at the sky, for what seemed like several minutes.
"Can we go now?"
I asked, feeling rather awkward.
"Shhh. Shhhh..."
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Captain shushed me.
"You never know when zee piano might strike again!"
When the oddball character came closer to me, I noted that the Captain's grime-covered hat was held together by hope and layers of black electrical tape, some of which was in the process of being peeled off due to the considerable moisture from sleet. See? I wasn't anywhere as pitiful! I momentarily basked in my opposite-of-pitifulness superiority.
"Constant vigilance is key to avoiding diresome situations, Snippy!"
"Right,"
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I sighed and shuffled on my tired legs.
"We must depart at once!" Captain spun suddenly.
"I do not approve of that cloud's sinisterly-stares!"
image [http://rom.ac/img/04f.jpg]
"Really?" I whispered with concern for how low Captain's sanity could descend.
"REALLY!"
The Captain ascertained with a firm nod.
"It is unfortunate that zee tiresome enemies of glorious Captania have laid dastardly traps for us..."
The purple lenses of the mask in front of me stared directly into my soul. I momentarily became lost in the dark depths of multiple layers of glass within the Captain's lenses. Were these... binocular goggles? They must have provided some sort of zoom function at one point...
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"...For they are most jealous of our wonder-rific fermenting relationship!"
Relationship?
I gulped. Nobody had ever loudly claimed to be in a relationship with me before, as far as I could recall.
I was pretty sure that we had just met... but whatever. I wearily looked around. My senses failed to detect any of the enemies that captain had spoken of. Perhaps the enemies of Captania were imaginary. It was a solid theory if Captain's overall nutty behavior was anything to go by. I tried to discern if Captain's strange accent was French or German. It seemed like a mixture of both and neither.
"Ah, but I have zee solution to escape zise extra-dire-straits!"
Captain continued, and dug deep into the pocket of the black trench coat, pulling out what looked like... white rice.
My mouth watered at the sight of the rice.
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"HUH?"
I blurted as Captain threw the rice upwards as if this was just a merry wedding party.
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Captain's next rice throw went forwards, in front of us.
"ONWARDS!
We must follow zee trail of rice, Mr Snippy! But tread lightly! Most lightly!"
Captain boomed, and marched forward.
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“What have I gotten myself into...?” I pondered, barely resisting the urge to pick the rice off the ground to fill my own pockets.