“Ugh, I love the food in the game but sometimes you just need a big, greasy cheeseburger.” I said when I sat down at the café and ordered.

“I hear that.” Derrick said, tapping through the menu as well. Soon enough we both had a burger with a massive plate of fries, though Derrick had gone and added a nacho cheese dipping sauce for his fries. “What all have you smothered your fries with?”

“Mixed cheese, scallions, and bacon.”

“Mmmm, bacon.” Jon muttered, then faked wiping drool from his chin. “So I take it you are sick of rations in the game?”

“Actually, we made it to the city and the drow have been feeding me. Almost every meat has its own gravy or sauce. It’s good, but I need a break from that.”

“Understandable.” Jon nodded. “I think we are all wondering how many assassination attempts you have foiled already.”

“None as of yet. Which is good, considering the only drow I know are the priestess of Lolth and some passing acquaintances. I think most of them assume I’m not a threat, which is absolutely fine by me!”

“Ugh, if only everyone would underestimate us.” Derrick lamented. “Any time I find a new giant settlement, some idiot is always wanting to challenge me to a duel.”

“And then you go and obliterate them?” Phoebe asked with an eyebrow raised.

“Yep!” Derrick said with a grin. “I have at least three spells of each element that can get a constant rotation going, and they just can’t keep up.”

“Sounds like you are a force of nature.” I chuckled. “How do you like not having that massive experience penalty the trolls start with?”

“Oh god, it’s almost better than sex. I level multiple times a day, its glorious.”

“That’s what she said.” Jon chuckled, before getting smacked by Phoebe.

“Perve.”

“True, but I’m your perve baby.”

“Quick, someone change the topic before I get a mental image I can’t get rid of!” I mock yelled.

“I need three doses of eyebleach, stat! Loading kitten videos!” Derrick yelled, punching madly at a keyboard. Soon enough there were several windows open with cats and puppies doing crazy things. We did the collective “ooing” and “aahing” that the videos required, settling back into our chairs to relax. “Crisis successfully averted.” Derrick declared solemnly.

“Thanks Derrick, I owe ya one.” I said. “Hey, speaking of owing people, how would you guys like to help design the dungeon? If you want, I can give you each a floor to go crazy with.”

“Seriously?” Phoebe asked. “Any limitations?”

“Not really. I even have a few new toys to play with. I’ve got the drow working on creating a trap version of a strobe light spell, as well as one that fakes the result of trap detect.”

“Wait, wait, hold on.” Derrick said, holding up a hand. “You’re telling me you have a way to fake out a rogue’s trap detect skill?”

“Yep.”

“I’m in. I am so in. If these two don’t want to design their own levels, I volunteer as architect! Can you have them design a trap that will basically act like a confetti cannon? I have ideas. So many cruel and unusual. . . ideas.” He hesitated on the last word for a fraction of a second.

“Derrick, we are monsters in the game. We can have all the cruel and unusual punishments we want.” Jon pointed out, getting a nod from Derrick. “I’m just wondering what Marty’s plan is to get up to max level? It’s gonna look awful weird when our boss is a lower level than the minibosses.”

“I, don’t really have anything for that. I’m sure I’ll gain them rapidly in the Underdark, I just have to make sure I don’t wander into an area that outlevels me too badly. Though from your tone and smug grin, I am willing to bet you have a plan?”

“Glad you asked, indeed I do!” He answered with an announcer flair to his voice.

“Oh god, here we go.” Phoebe muttered, putting her head in her hands.

“Please, no comments from the peanut gallery! Anyway, back to leveling up. Have you thought of going to the Descent into Madness?”

“I have no idea what that is, and even if I did it doesn’t have a nice sounding name.”

“Bah, who cares about a name? This is the drow controlled training dungeon. I’ve not done it, but a buddy told me about it. It’s a massive inverted tower type dungeon. You start at the top, fighting arena type battles. It gets progressively harder, and after 50 floors you start getting into actual dungeon style levels.”

“How do they do bosses if it is arena battles?” I asked, confused.

“Every five levels you get a miniboss type fight. At multiples of ten you will get a major boss fight. You can leave any time you have finished a floor, but the best part is the experience gain. It’s a nice little diverted system. If you leave, you get all your gained experience. If you die before conquering the miniboss, you lose everything since the last boss. Kill the miniboss, but not the boss and gain half experience for everything from the last boss. Killing a tenth floor boss guarantees you will gain whatever experience you have amassed.”

Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

“How deep does it go?”

“Nobody knows. The most you can bring in is a ten-person party, and not even the drow have conquered the dungeon. I think the Needlers hold the current record at clearing 302 floors. Well, player record, at least. Pretty sure the drow have them beat.”

“How the hell did they do 300 floors in a day?” I asked, shocked.

“Oh they didn’t. After multiples of 25 floors, you are given a rest area. I think they were battling for five or six days to get that far.”

“Oh, that’s better then. How far do you have to go before you really start bringing in the experience?”

“Once you clear the arena levels the difficulty starts ramping up. You shouldn’t have too many issues, and you might pick up a few trap ideas.”

“Sounds like a plan, thanks Jon. How are you and Phoebe doing in game?”

“We are doing just fine, thanks.” Phoebe spoke up before Jon could. “Found some good hunting grounds thanks to Derrick, and are leveling nicely. At this rate, we should hit max level with a week or two to spare. After that, we just have to work on our skill sets.”

“Excellent. And the stones?”

“Got ten so far.” Derrick said. “Should have plenty, and we will be aiming to get 20 extra or so in case of accidents. Don’t worry, we will get this plan of yours off. Now, I think we all need a break. Anyone up for a game of Euchre?”

“Play with 9’s or ten and up only? Dirty Spades? Farmer’s hand? Stick the dealer?” I rapid fired questions at Derrick.

“Play with 9’s, yes to Dirty Spades and stick the dealer. Farmer’s hand I play modified. You can only call it if you have three 9’s or three 10’s, no combinations.”

“Hey hun? Are they speaking English?” Jon asked in a teasing way. “I’m fairly certain I recognized some of those words. Hell, I even recognized some of those combinations of words. Yet I’m completely lost.”

“Sorry guys, we didn’t realize you haven’t played before.” Derrick answered. “Let’s play a few hands face up, that’s the best way to learn. Otherwise it’ll just be confusing.”

“Let’s also play out all hands.” I added. “Any lay ‘em down hands will just confuse everyone.”

“Agreed.” Derrick said, sorting through the deck. “Got a pen and paper for score?”

“No need.” I answered. “Pull out the six and four of hearts and spades. When you score a point, simply reveal a picture on the card. First to ten wins.”

Derrick and I decided that we would be the keepers of the score, and we played several hands to get Phoebe and Jon some experience. Things devolved quickly after that, as Jon had a bad habit of not paying attention. When he was last to throw, he would trump his partner’s ace, much to my dismay. Derrick chuckled every time, as we both refused to remind Jon who had played what card.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Needlers guild headquarters, Mr. Whiskers POV

“Hey King, got a minute?” I asked my second in command, Crimson King. “I want your opinion on the group for the dungeon challenge.” Grunting, he sat in the oversized chair across from me and started looking over the list the other two guilds had sent.

“Need more from our group. Dark Queen would be best.”

“I know, but they insisted on ‘equitable representation’ based on guild size. Never mind that we have more first clears. And I can’t go with Dark Queen without losing Citadel. I can’t lose Citadel, I just don’t trust the Dukes to hold the line.”

“Good to have paladins.”

“That’s what I’m worried about though. These guys evolved from the shadow drakelings, so they will have access to dark attacks. Sure, they can give themselves a heal here and there, but they might have issues holding aggro if they can’t do much damage.”

“Three tank skill progression. Taunt around the world. Citadel hold strong.”

“Yeah, yeah I know. But this is also a player, so we can’t go with straight dungeon tactics. The other idiots don’t seem to realize this. Did you know they were complaining about bringing twenty resurrection scrolls per person?”

“Cheapskates.”

“Yeah. Because who would need scrolls when tackling an unknown dungeon? What, are they going to wait for the half hour cooldown every damn time?”

“Fools.”

I nodded in agreement with King’s last statement. I let out a long sigh. “They want to limit healers as well. I had to put my foot down and force them to include four pure healer builds and at least two more druids.”

“What else?”

“You’re the only arcane assassin, though Mayhem is bringing their big elementalists. We have a photomancer, cryomancer, pyromancer, and geomancer. Three sages and two elemental rangers finishes their offerings. Dukes are sending berserkers.”

“Idiots.”

“Dukes? Of course they are. We have four main tanks, and they are sending 4 berserkers and 4 guardians. How are they going to fit that many melee against one target?”

“Hmm. Have guardians as bodyguards for squishies.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m leaning towards as well. Each healer gets a guardian.” I said with a sigh. “What are we going to do without Queen to feel out the elemental resistances?” I muttered.

“I got.” King answered with a smile, swiping and showing me a skill I had never heard of before.

Elemental barrage

Beginner level 4

Create up to ten bolts of differing elemental makeups and unleash them upon your target. Presets must be made before battle, or else the default of element spread will be used. Default spread: 2 air, 2 fire, 2 ice, 2 earth, 1 light, 1 darkness.

Damage: 75-100 per bolt

Cost: 3 mana/bolt

Cooldown: 10 minutes

“King, this is amazing! How in the world did you get this?”

“Created. Need all elements at master 1. Fired progression of bolts as fast as possible.”

“Alright, we keep this skill under wraps for now. See if you can get Queen a copy from the mage’s guild. Have you turned it in yet?”

“No. Will do tomorrow.”

“Perfect. Does the damage log differentiate between bolt types?” At his nod, I continued, “Excellent. Life just got a lot easier. You’ll start off the boss fights after Citadel has gathered enough aggro, and determine any elemental weaknesses. I’ll have one healer on each tank, plus the three druids will help when the bosses use skills. Let the berserkers do what they want, maybe a few of them will have the throw weapon skill.”

“Long grinds.”

“Yeah, it really will be. See what you can find in the vaults, I’m going to need you to be our damage dealer I think. I still only give us even odds to beat the dungeon, but we will do what we have to. At least things are starting to look up.”