Ted stared at the man for a second.
‘What?’
‘Welcome to the next world. I know it can be a bit overwhelming. Take your time.’ the man said. ‘When I was in your position I tried to destroy the whole room!’ he added, smiling as if reminiscing over a fond memory.
‘No.’ Ted said. He didn’t know what to say. But this was some next level bullshit and he refused to entertain it. What a stupid thing to say to someone.
The odd man seemed willing to just sit and wait for Ted to elaborate, a patient smile on his face. It was infuriating.
‘I’m in some weird hospital. I assume you’re a doctor. I was hit by a car. You healed me; thank you, by the way. Now you’re playing some messed up joke. Brilliant, well done, now what’s next?’ Ted said.
The man looked at Ted, gentle pity in his eyes.
‘Well, normally Ted, we talk about how you died, where you are now, and what happens when you leave this room. I know it comes as a shock; from what I can see, you had a pretty sudden and violent end. It’s going to take a while to come to terms with it, and that’s okay.’ he said, calmly.
‘I was hit by a car and then I passed out…’ Ted said slowly.
‘And then you died.’ finished the man.
‘And so now I’m…where? Heaven? Hell? The afterlife?’ Ted asked, daring the man to agree with the stupid suggestion. The man was unphased.
‘Well, yes. I guess you’d call this heaven. You’re on the side of the good guys, don’t worry.’
Ted gave the man a sceptical look. ‘That seems unlikely.’ he said.
‘It’s true.’ the man replied, sincerely. ‘Look, let’s start from the beginning. I know it’s tough. I know you don’t believe me yet. This isn’t what you expected; it’s never what anyone expects. I’ll explain.’
He leant back in his chair, while Ted just waited. The man was right; he didn’t believe any of this. It seemed more likely that he’d been kidnapped by some headcase who was trying his best to mess with his head. It would explain the weird room he’d woken up in. But it didn’t explain the car crash memories, or the healed wounds. And it would be a very, very confident move to then leave your prisoner unrestrained whilst you sat calmly behind a desk in your office. Ted could walk out and escape at any time; if he wanted to, he was pretty sure he could give the man a decent beating too.
It occurred to Ted that the sensible thing actually would be to walk out the door and leave. There’d be someone around who could help him. There had to be.
He cast around for an exit, realising he hadn’t seen one when he’d entered. He couldn’t see a door anywhere. Nor any windows. His head whipped round to check the door he’d entered from. It wasn’t there. He was surrounded by the dark wood panelling and green paint.
Hidden doors. Had to be. That explained the magnetic pull when he’d come in. The doors automatically closed and hid themselves. Ted had always liked the idea of having one in his house, perhaps hidden behind a bookcase like in the old cartoons. They didn’t seem quite so funny now.
The man had continued speaking while Ted had reviewed his surroundings.
‘My name is Kai, and I’m one of the Greeters for the Authority in the New World. As you’re aware, you’ve passed away, and have been reincarnated as a member of the New World. Because you have led a good life, you have joined the Authority’s regiment in the battle for Good vs Evil.’
Ted had been getting ready to start demanding where the exit was. The last line from Kai threw that out of his mind as he struggled to parse it.
‘I’ve joined what? Whose army? A good life? What the fuck are you talking about? Where the hell am I?!’ he said, trying to keep his voice low and under control.
‘The Authority’s army.’ Kai repeated. ‘Fighting on the side of Good in the battle between Good and Evil.’
Ted stared at him levelly.
‘That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. First of all, I don’t believe in God, or whoever you’re talking about, secondly I was a criminal in my previous life, thirdly, I don’t believe in the afterlife, and fourthly, where the fuck is the door for me to leave. I’ve had enough. Stop this now. I don’t want to hurt you, but I will. This is really, really messed up.’
He’d kept his voice calm, unwavering, but he knew that he’d not been able to hide the edge in there. He was close to breaking point.
Kai looked at his notes, deciding to answer just one of the points he’d made.
‘It says that you were a Lollipop man?’
‘For two years! Before that I was robbing people for a living! And my name was Theo by the way, not Ted. Theo. I hate the name Ted.’ Ted shouted.
‘Well, I’m sorry Ted, but my notes say Ted the Lollipop Man.’ In his defence, Kai did look apologetic. ‘I don’t actually know what a Lollipop Man is; they didn’t have them where I’m from. But it looks like you’ve been assigned to the GateKeeper Corps, so I’m assuming it was some sort of career in bodyguarding or protection?’
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‘Wha…’ Ted said, at a loss for words. ‘The GateKeeper Corps? What the… Look. Enough. Where’s the door. How do I leave?’
‘The door is there.’ Kai said, raising an arm to point at the wall behind Ted. ‘But you can’t leave until we’re finished I’m afraid.’
Ted stood up and turned round. There was a door, just like the one he’d come in from, just where Kai had pointed to, but he was certain it hadn’t been there before. One hundred percent sure.
It didn’t matter. He moved the chair aside, took a step, grabbed the handle and opened the door. Without pausing, he walked through the door.
He’d entered an office room, mostly filled with a huge desk, one entire wall taken up with a huge fireplace. Behind the desk sat Kai. He was looking up at Ted expectantly.
‘Sorry, I did say.’ he said, his hands gesturing a shrug. Ted heard the door shut behind him as he stood agape, spinning round as he heard the click. The door was gone again. To his left, the door that he’d just left the room by, had also gone.
‘What is this? What have you done to me?’ he shouted, angry now, panic seeping into his voice.
‘Just sit down Ted. Honestly, it will start to make sense. We have to go through this; you can ask me as many questions as you like. You can decide to believe the answers, or not. Then you can go, and you can see for yourself.’
Ted paused, considering his options. They seemed to be either taking a seat, and listening to Kai, or rushing round the desk, grabbing the weird looking man, and hitting him until he stopped whatever stupid game he’d been playing.
The second option was tempting, but Ted had to admit that he’d never been one for physical violence, and it might not be a threat he could actually follow through with. He’d been the sneaky sort of burglar, not the bash-em-and-run sort. Though no one ever escaped that life without getting in a brawl or two, he’d liked lock picks and clever tools, preferring to run and hide rather than fight.
He sat down back in his chair, temporarily defeated.
‘Fine.’ he said. He’d listen, then he’d leave. There was some trickery going on here, and it seemed best to let it play out and then escape afterwards.
‘Great!’ Kai said, immediately cheered. ‘So, we were saying. You have been judged as having led a positive life, and therefore have been reincarnated on our side. You will be joining the Army of the Authority, as someone representing his values and vision. A review of your life and skills has put you in the GateKeeper Corps, a regiment filled with those focusing on travel and defensive powers. The GateKeepers are an elite group, and not many get to join them immediately upon reincarnation. You should be very proud.’
‘I am.’ Ted agreed. ‘Very proud.’ Kai didn’t register the sarcasm, or at least failed to comment on it.
‘Good! Now, the world you have joined is not like the one you came from. There are new rules here, new people, new ways of living. The first one that always throws people from your world is the existence of life on other planets. First of all, there is life on other planets, and secondly, some of them make it here to the Second World, to fight on the Authority’s behalf. Some of them may look familiar to you, some of them not. Try not to gawk too much, and if a question feels like it’s going to be insulting, hold back on asking it. There are also multiple other human races, whose evolutionary path will have differed slightly but will mostly be the same; myself for example.’
‘Stop. Explain.’ Ted said. He’d agreed to listen and pretend, but there were still limits.
‘I am a human, but from a different world. I don’t know the exact distance from my world to yours in the first world, but I doubt that would make a difference in the first place. Humanity was seeded across many worlds, Ted. Some look like us, some look very different.’
‘So that’s why you’ve got the weird ears and the forehead?’ Ted asked, unable to hold himself back. Kai was silent for a second.
‘Do you remember what I said about questions that might feel insulting?’ he asked calmly. Ted said nothing, continuing to stare. Kai sighed.
‘Yes, that explains the differences in appearance between us. Your abnormally large ears and small forehead, for example.’ Kai added, pointedly. ‘Let’s move on. As a new recruit in the Authority’s Army you have been assimilated into the People, given a rank, a regiment, and a level. The more you train, the better you follow orders and complete missions, and the more glory you bring to the Authority, the more these will increase and improve. Likewise, the more you mess around, disobey orders, and disregard your skills, the more your rank will drop and your skills will atrophy. There’s no free lunch in the Authority’s Army.’
That last line felt like a cheesy recruiter line, which Ted ignored.
‘Okay, great. What else?’
‘After our meeting you’ll be kitted out and sent to boot camp. You’ve been given a link to the world’s central processing system that will support your time at camp. This is standard for all new recruits, and will be two weeks’ worth of training to get you used to your skills and the Second World. You’ll learn more about the Authority’s battle, the Enemy, and your role. You’ll be able to grow stronger as well, and find your place. There’s freedom here, within the rules and laws, but for now, it’s best to think of yourself as going to an apprenticeship straight from school. You don’t know how the real world works, you’ve not had to work before, and you’ll be surrounded by people who are a lot more experienced than you. Go in with the right attitude and you’ll come out with a bright future.’
Kai beamed as he reached the end of his monologue. Ted waited a few seconds to see if there was anything else. There wasn’t.
‘So, can I ask some questions?’ he asked.
‘Of course.’ Kai said, nodding.
‘Great. So.’ Ted thought about what on earth to ask first, and whether he was likely to get any truth whatsoever from this man. ‘I’m dead.’
‘Yes.’ Kai confirmed.
‘Hit by that car, with the man in the balaclava?’ he continued.
Kai checked his notes.
‘Yes, it appears so. It says massive head trauma, combined with multiple fractures and organ failure after a high speed collision with a car driven by Phillip Michaels. Do you know the man?’
Ted shook his head. But that didn’t mean anything. They’d have hired someone to do it.
‘So what happened after I was hit?’ he asked.
‘Your body was taken by ambulance to a hospital not far away; it says the Bristol Royal Infirmary here, but you were pronounced dead whilst en route. There are no additional notes as to what happened to the driver I’m afraid. We only really get notes pertaining to you and your situation; even getting the name of the driver was more than we normally get.’
‘Okay. So do I need to speak to the police, provide a witness statement? I’m surprised they’ve not come to see me yet. They know my history.’
‘There are no police coming, Ted.’ Kai said. ‘You’ve passed on. There’s no investigation, at least not in this world. There’s no going back.’
‘Oh yeah, of course. Silly me.’ Ted said, realising he’d wandered his way outside of this maniac’s delusions. ‘So, other questions. Nope, I think I’m fine! Ready to go, just let me out and I’ll be on my way.’