The thunder cut through the night sky... Light embraced the valley revealing outline of high trees. In the dark of a forest a sound of crushing twigs and heavy breathing could be heard. A hooded figure emerged from the shadows. Walking in a strange position... It was dragging something.
A loud howl echoed through the trees. The hooded figure stopped.
Wolves... In the best case it was just a pack of wolves - thought the figure. A dim light emanated from inside its hood, showing a mask of half-shadows and pale skin. Smooth and sharp at the same time, face clearly belonged to a young man. Just as the figure intended to resume its walk...
A cold, inhuman whisper rang behind him -I've... Found... You...-
Man dropped whatever he was holding to and jumped back from the source of the sound. Fear resonated through his entire body, heart started pounding like a hammer. It couldn't be!
Hood dropped from his head revealing a glowing white hair with slightly green aura illuminating the surrounding. With eyes filled with fear the young man was watching as the thing that he was dragging started to move. Slowly backing away he noticed a face staring at him. On the ground a pale, black haired man, with unnaturally twisted hands and legs was crawling towards him. Two red eyes met his - piercing through his soul.
His heart pounding even faster, a cold sweat washed his entire body. He wanted to look away, he wanted to run away but with panic he noticed he couldn't move.
The thing was crawling closer and closer. Eyes still staring at him, Its lips curved into a mad smile. The inhuman voice rang again freezing blood in his veins. -We... Will... Consume... Youuaah!!!-
And it jumped straight at him.
-AAAAAAAAAH!- Screamed the glowing-haired boy. Pain roamed through his entire body as his mind fell into the darkness.
..........................
He was no longer in the forest. Standing in the middle of void he spotted a little green child in front of him. -Abubba!- Greeted him the child waving its hand.
He returned the greeting by waving his...
Wait... Why do I have sponge cakes instead of my hands? Why does this child have a face of a gorilla? As I was wondering upon the strange situation I was in - another creature appeared to my left. A tall frog-man with a long beard in a wizard cloak.
-There is no time to explain! You must take the orb of Cornflakes and put it into the Mouse!- Said the frog wizard and handled me a big... DRAGON? I started running to save the child from the dragon but no matter how long I was running I never managed to get closer. Then the child looked at me with a mean grin and pulled a switch that somehow appeared next to it. A hidden trapdoor opened under me and I started falling.
I was falling through a spinning vortex hearing echoes of voices behind me. -Remember to put the orb! Remember the orb!- The green child from before holding a large umbrella now was falling beside me and the frog-wizard seemed to swimming in the air beneath me. -Abbuba! Abubba!- -Remember to put the orb!- -Abbuba!- -The mouse! Put it inside the mouse!- -Abubbu!- ...Abub...he Mouse...buba...put it... Everything was blurred and spinning as I abruptly hit the ground.
.......................................
A white light filled my vision. Noises of chatters and laughs entered my ears. I was sitting on a chair. Carefully I opened my eyes. I was inside a classroom, surrounded by my classmates talking with each other or eating lunch. I let out a long sigh. So it was just a dream...
Then everyone in the class went silent. All of them were staring at me. As if expecting something bad I slowly looked down only to notice I have no...! Wait. I have clothes. Everything is alright. So why are they staring? Now that I think about it - they are staring a little behind me. I turned around and saw... A naked skeleton???
-Dd...DAD???- My dad? Wha? Waaaa?
At this moment a teacher went inside the classroom. -Well mister Gunthor I think that you failed your exam. Unfortunately you can't graduate...- Everyone started tp laughing and pointing at him.
-No! Stop! Don't laugh. Don't look at me... Don't look at me!!!- Screamed Gunthor...
.........................................
I woke up entirely covered in sweat. My glowing hair sticked to my face. There was still dark outside as I slowly scrabbled out of bed and opened the window. Breathe Kainer... Breathe... Cold air filled my lungs calming my frightened body. This dream! I... This dream cannot be remembered! Yeah... Seeing your own father naked in the classroom is not a normal thing. On the other hand... Shouldn't I be the naked one? Well. Whatever. And...
THAT DREAM! Since I was six I had a strange dream that repeated itself every two, three times a week. I was dragging something through a forest and I always stopped at this howl... But it was the first time that this corpse thing happened!
I took a few more deep breaths. Usually I dragged that thing (I didn't know till now that it was a body) to a stone platform near the waterfall and then leave but... That thing...
But dreams were dreams and finally Kainer closed the window and fall asleep again.
He was woken up by a sharp pain in his stomach as an object fell on him. -Good morning brother!- An annoying childish voice sounded above him. -Morning, morning, MORNING!-
His five year old sister Kanise was kicking him and jumping on his chest. -You little brat!!!- before he could catch her she jumped off of him and ran down the stairs laughing cheerfully.
This damn brat! I swear I will one day... Well, at least I don't have to suffer like this everyday. She is like this only when eating too much sugar at evening. But do you imagine being trapped in some kind of time loop, waking each time in the same place by kick in the stomach? Only to be sent back each month shortly after a beginning of a mysterious invasion? I wouldn't like that... I wouldn't like that at all.
Kainer stood up lazily massaging his sore stomach and put his red pants and shirt on. He always dressed in red - just like his favorite character in fanga...
No. He just likes the red. He didn't even know what fanga was...
No. He knew it very well - that's why he was dressed like this.
No! I'm the author - and I will not go into something so stupid like "Oh! I'm trying to be similar to that cool fanga character!" He just likes red. End. Period! .
Yeah... (sarcastic) And just liking red is so refreshing, innovative, original... Oh I just see how you conquer this site with your "He just likes red" idea...
Oh! Shut up Me!
...
Ahem. He dressed usually in red for unknown reasons. As he was going to put his shoes on, he spotted some movement inside of his left snicker. Just as he was going to put his hand on it, it suddenly grew wings and flew away through the window.
Kainer rubbed his eyes but the flying shoe still seemed to fly away further and further in the direction fo the rising sun.
-DAMN IT!- He cursed. Goodbye shoe. He knew that the last mixture his father made him to drink was dangerous. But he didn't expect THAT. Just few drops and the shoe... He was lucky that he just tossed it away.
Since the time his father fed him with something like this, his hair started to glow - and they are glowing till now... My father always wanted me to be a sorcerer. He even hired a foreign teacher but as it appears I have very slim talent in magic. Since then he opened his own laboratory trying to create a mixture that would give me that talent... And by "trying to create a mixture" I mean tossing random ingredients inside a pot and if it glows it PROBABLY works. So since that time he fed me with countless numbers of mixtures. Most of them made me sick or gave me super badass power... No they didn't. They just made me sick and now that I've seen what happened with my shoe I'm not sure if I'm a human anymore and how the hell I'm not some three-eyed mutant by now. For last year I was avoiding any elixir that my father brew. Now I know that it was a good choice...
With only one shoe he went down the stairs. The main room of his house was called Troy. Don't ask me why. -Troy is happy that he has name. Gre..- Shut up Troy. I'm here the narrator. It was a big room with a large table on the center. The room consisted of kitchen ,dinning room and a bit of a living room.
When he entered his younger sister was sitting by the table and drawing something with her crayons.
-Hi mom. Hi dad. No hi for you brat!- said Kainer while taking a piece of bread from the plate and staring at it with distrust.
His mother put a basket of oranges on the table and threw him a disapproving look.
-Sit down Kainer the breakfast is almost ready. And for the fucks sake stop calling your sister a brat! She has a name Kainer. A NAME. A NAAME. You know what it is?-
-It's that thing you call her when she isn't kicking you or setting things on fire?-
-No it is an orange Kainer. An Orange. A whole basket of it you moron. Surely your intelligence came from Gunthor not me.-
Kainer felt insulted he always considered himself lazy but not stupid. He took one of the oranges and started to peel the skin.
A moment later a skeleton head leaned out of another room.
-Did you want something from me Honey?-
-A brain but I doubt you could find it for me... So just move your ass to the table. Breakfast is ready.-
-Just a moment sweetheart, I almost finished my new mixture for Kainer... hymm... lets just... a dead dog... and a rotten rat... Haha. Ready!-
Hearing the last part Kainer choked on the orange he just dropped to his mouth. Feeling a new wave of courage filling him - which was rarity when it came to facing his father's sorcerer-dream - he finally said -I'm not gonna drink that...-
A rustling of an armor could be heard and a skeleton in full plate armor walked to the room. He looked at Kainer with... Anger? Sadness? ...Lust? We will never know cause he has no FRIGGIN FACE!!!
-Oh come on Kainer! It tastes like chicken.-
-...No. And how do you even know that? Dad. You are a skeleton. A skeleton. You don't even have the sense of taste. And why do you even eat breakfast?- (Author also would like to know that) Narrator too. Happy new year - me tooo.
Silence filled the room. Skeletal feats of Gunthor was some kind of taboo among our family. Heck! Even the villagers seem to never talk about it, treating father like he was a normal man. More. Even for some strange reason outsiders seem to know that as well.
Just as Kainer finished his last sentence mother grabbed him by the collar and lifted in the air. Kanise opened her mouth wide and covered her nose. Don't really know why but she did it.
-Apologize to your father Kainer!-
-Adrenalina. It's fine. It's fine. As a half skeleton he has the right to know and we didn't really explained it to them.-
Half skeleton? I didn't buy that. I don't look a bit like one. For some time I had this feeling that I don't belong here. That I'm different from others. And my name "Kainer" it just sounds too strange. It sounds... German. I've got that feeling I was adopted. My real family left me behind while world war II - whatever it was - and traveled through magical portal to Germany. The land of germans. Secret realm in another universe that they gather. That's what I suspected at least. Books never mentioned anything specific about germans. Only some about their language, hi-hit-her stuff and their magical sea monsters called u-bots.
After a long pause full of tension Gunthor finally decided to reveal his long kept secret.
-You see my son. The truth is... The truth is... I don't know myself.-
(He doesn't know?) He doesn't know? Me...Tooo.
Yeah. Gunthor didn't know himself why does he eat breakfast and how he knows if something tastes like chicken or not. But Gunthor knew one thing. It worked and that's all that matters.
-My son. As half-skeletons you and your sister will experience things most uncommon. Unexplainable. Things that will deny any logic and rules of this world. Just accept them. We are what we are. And now. Let's just eat.-
Can't argue with a talking skeleton-paladin in a full plate can you? Well. At least he forgot about about the mixture.
Everyone sat at the table, Adrenalina put a large pot of stew and muddy plates for everyone.
-Mom. How we gonna eat without spoons?- Asked Kainer trying to spot something that will help him eat his breakfast.
-Oh. You have spoons - narrator just forgotten to mention it. I also put them on the table.- Oh. Sorry.
-Ah. Thanks mom.-
After they ate the tasty mud stew. Gunthor grunted loudly to focus attention on him.
-Well everyone! We all know what today is?- Said... Cheerful? Surprised? Terrified? Hurt? Gunthor...
-A day in which you got some brain?- Answered Adalina.
-Honey this joke is more suitable for zombies not skeletons.- replied Gunthor.
-Yeah. Cause they actually CAN do it.- She added.
Hmm? Was today something important? Washing socks was yesterday. Troll day was last sunday which was on the monday but today? What was today?
-Kanisa knows! Kainer has birthudy!- Chittered happily Kainsa while stabbing her plate with a spoon.
Yes... My little sister was speaking her name in third person and...Ah... I've got a birthday! What a moron forgets about his own birthday...? Me... But at least it means I can be twice as lazy as usually! Cool!
-Yes my little pumpkin. But birthday rather than birhudy... Today are his 18 birthday. And this time they are even more special. Today he will become...- And just as he was going to finish Adrenalina interrupted him.
-A man Gunthor. Not that what you just wanted to say. He will finally get his own blue status window and be considered as an adult.-
Gunthor looked... Curious? Enraged? Disgusted? Cheerful? Sad? You couldn't really know cause he doesn't have a friggin face...
-Kainer... my...sor... yh... son.- he whined.
Adrenalina patted him on his bald skull.
-Either way Kainer!- She turned to him.
- Move yourself to the market and buy me some butter.- Before Kainer could even say that he won't do it cause today are his birthday a pouch landed on his face and Kainer fell on the floor.
-And I don't wanna see you without the butter kay? Come Kanise I need to take care of your hair.-
-Mkay...- Mumbled Kainer knowing that it's already too late to refuse. Once mother started something there was no way refuse - even if you were dead and rotting. Yeah He sighed and get up from the floor while putting the pouch inside his pocket.
-Sniff... So I will try to make a new - even better mixture!- wined his father and went back to his workshop.
Just as all other family members left the room a loud knocking on the door gained Kainers attention. Unwillingly he dragged himself to the door and opened them. Life ain't easy Kainer. Life ain't easy.
In front of him stood a boy his age dressed as an... old lady? His brown hair and dark brown eyes stared at him with (yes his hair also stared) with visible paranoia...
With long skirt and a handkerchief around his head he nodded with expectation showing Kainer a bundle of flowers.
-Would you mind to buy a flower young sir?- Asked with high pitched voice his paranoid friend Jack.
Since his hair stared to glow, kids from the village began to make fun of him. Especially one bulky kid called Brutan - because of him most of kids avoided Kainer so not to stand in Brutan's way. So when he thought that he will be forever alone a strange thin kid began almost stalking him. Talking about conspiracies and secret organizations - strange events in the village and how he thought different kinds of animals are up to something. Kainer was happy at first of course - he has finally someone to talk to but... Frankly. With time dealing with him became a real pain.
-Cough, cough.. Forgive me, my old days are giving me a hard time. Only one muddy for a weed. So what will it be?- Asked an old-Jack-baba failed creature.
Kainer just faced-palmed once and shut the door behind his nose. When he turned around, not even second later he saw his friend on the opposite side of the building (wtf?) - stuck in the window waving his hands on left and right throwing flowers everywhere... Kainer "helped" his friend with a solid kick throwing him out of the window.
Knocking sounded from the door a second time and Kainer reluctantly opened door once again.
-Ehem. K. You know that it's me right?- Said Jack taking off his old-baba suit.
-Yeah. And that's the reason I didn't let you in.-
-Good. You know me well K. Trust no one. Even yourself.-
His friend squeezed through the door and leaned closer lowering his voice.
-Listen K. strange things happen lately. People are going missing, old Raynold went crazy few days ago. Cats are scheming something. There is this strange smell that took over the entire village. Sure. It's faint but still... And the forest ha..-
-Jack. You are just paranoid like always... And like always you are bothering ME...-
-I'm telling you K. Things look bad. I'm gonna leave this village soon. Just wait it! And I advise you to do the same.- Told him Jack announcing 129th time that he will leave the village soon.
-Yeah. Whatever. Today I'm gonna gain that blue window too. God... Such a pain in the ass...-
-Lazy like usually K. That laziness will one day kill you, screw your corpse and make you pregnant...- He whispered.
Yeah. I forget to mention that his sayings are quite... unique.
-Oh shut up with that disgusting sayings of yours! I'm getting tired from just listening to you. Don't make me exhausted.-
Author also advices Jack to refrain from such barbaric sentences.
Jack scratched his head, looked at the author and whispered. -No can do. I know many things about you - do you want me to tell what kind of sites were you....-Author takes back what he said! Jack can do whatever he wants - author will just write some words and go. Write and go.
-That's better.- replied Jack.
-What are you mumbling?-
-Nah. Nothing important.-
Kainer and Jack walked outside. Sun was rising above the sea of huts and houses warming up the cold morning air. Here and there you could see villagers talking or minding their own affairs. And so two highly intelligent young men were going to join them in their race of life. For the epic quest of... Getting some... butter.
-I don't like that narrator...- mumbled Kainer.
-Oh. By the way how much exp did you get since your blue window thingy Jack?-
-That's a secret...-
-Ah... Why did I even ask?-
Jack threw him a conspiracious look. Kainer didn't caught it... Ba dum tss...
-So Kainer. You need some tree from the woodcutter Frank. Let's better hurry then.-
-Eeh? What you are talking about? I'm only gonna get some...-
-Butter, yes my glowing friend.-
-How did you... No... I don't belive that you just spied on us. HOW THE HELL? My mother is a damn falcon she would... We better don't find out...-
-But why the hell we need some wood Jack?-
-For the butcher of course.-
-That still makes no sense Jack...-
-We need wood for the butcher so Bucher can give us the Ham so we can give it to smith in order to get a dagger for the hunter so he can give us a deer pelt so we can give it to the baker so she can give us some of her cookies for the merchant SO he can give us some butter. Understood?-
Kainer opened his mouth and closed it few times.
-Geez! I hate this village. Why everything must be so much pain in the ass? But wait... Going this line of thoughts what will woodcutter want for his wood?-
-Nothing. We will steal it from him.-
...
It's Kainer. It's Kainer and the Jack Jack Jack Jack!
The Moron village was a peaceful place. And the woodcutter Frank was the most peacefully from its people. Mostly because all of his frustration he released on the trees. Yes. Poor, harmless trees. But was it the way that Frank saw it? Well. His perspective was a little different.
When he was eleven his father was crushed by a tree. That was the first time that he realized - that trees hate him for some reason. He never done anything bad to them. How could they? Maybe he would forgive trees and forget that absurd for his age idea but it wasn't the end.
Next year at the same day - his mother was crushed by a tree. And few hours later his grandfather, his grandmother two cousins and an aunt. All of them crushed by different trees. And at top of that his dog Barky was impaled on a small pine that grew nearby his house. On that day Frank understood one thing - trees are evil. They are evil and must be destroyed! No one really shared his believes - they said that it was just coincidence. But Frank knew better. Being 12 he forged his own axe which he called later "The Tree-Slayer". Axe filled with rage of a child - rage deep to the bone changed the unskilled crafted weapon into a tool of doom.
Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.
Frank fought many battles with the trees, slayed many of their brethren - but they just grew too fast for Frank to destroy them completely. How is that you ask? Well. No matter how many trees Frank cut down, the next day... They were back. Not all of them but most of them. He knew that this forest is playing with him and he tried different kinds of potions to make the ground unusable, but he had no luck this far. And so as he was going out into the woods like usually to protect the unaware villagers from those foul beasts he noticed a boy crawling near the pile of his wood.
-What are you doing here?-
Kainer jumped in a place and turned around. The Woodcutter Frank was right behind him.
-Hymm... Hello Frank. You see...-
-You are interested in cutting trees boy?-
-N... Wha.. Yes. Yes. That's why I am here. I want to know how to cut the trees to have some... Ehm... Wood. Yes. Wood.- If I'm drowning right here - damn sure I will make Jack right with me.
-JAACK! You also wanted to know how to do this RIGHT!!!??? Don't hide I see you in the bushes!!! Haha!-
-Oh. I see!- Said Frank while pulling Jack with his large arm out of the bushes.
-But why was he hiding then?-
Jack was swinging his legs in the air while mumbling something like. "treason" or "damn back-up plan"
-He is just shy Frank. Very Shy.-
And like that they went to the forest...
-You see boys. Cutting trees is not a work. It's a mission. Some might think that we are just gathering resources to build houses and such. But trust me boys... There is a lot more to it than it seems.-
Kainer and Jack were simply nodding their heads as Frank was telling them about everything that he could think of. Kainer always thought that the woodcutter was a little odd but with each sentence about dangerous and evil trees only waiting for you to turn back he seemed to change his opinion into more radical one. That man was completely crazy. But Frank wasn't the only one behaving strange. Jack also seemed to look around nervously, shooting his eyes on right and left. Well. He was paranoid what was the woodcutter excuse?
Finally they reached a small clearing with few fallen trees. Singing of many different species of birds filled their ears as if the forest was one big bird tavern. Smell of herbs and resin entered their nostrils making them a little dizzy.
-So here we are boys! This is their terrain. Do exactly what I tell you and you will return safe home.-
-Yhm.. Ok?- Kainer quietly replied eyeing on Jack looking for some kind of support but Jack like usually with others remained quiet and was looking around suspiciously.
Frank instructed them to take some stones and throw them at the tree to be sure that it won't fall at you... Next he handed them for a small axe each and ordered to practice chopping on already fallen trees. Just as they were going to start with the real ones they heard a rustling noise behind them.
-What was that?- Asked Kainer. Jack said nothing only hide himself behind the two taking two small branches as if pretending to be a small bush.
An there it was. On the border of clearing stood a 300 feet tall... TREEE. Yeah. A tree. Its orange bark shined in the sun covered in dark stripes as if resembling a tiger.
Of course Kainer and Jack seen nothing. The clearing seems the same as it was to them. But not to Frank... He rushed between them and a tree pointing its axe in its direction.
-Run! This is a tiger tree! You stand no chance against it! Run back to the village!-
Kainer and Jack looked at him and then at the tree he was pointing and then once again at him and at the tree.
-...Is he stupid? It's only a tree.- whispered Kainer to Jack.
Jack stared at the tree. -You never know...- he replied.
Kainer walked closer to the Frank. -Frank are you sure you don't need help? Are you feeling well?-
-RUN!!!- Screamed Frank.
-Yhm... Ok. I think that we will. Just leave this axe over here and go... Yhm. Before that tree will... Em... Catch up to... Yhm... us. Goodbye.- Kainer and Jack threw away their axes and ran before the mad woodcutter could do something... mad.
And so our heroes ran away from the nightmare which was the legendary tiger tree. Thanks to Franks sacrifice those two young man could go back safe and sound to their families. That sight of a man repelling a dangerous beast engraved itself inside their souls. They will never forget his bravery nor his sacrifice.
-It was just a tree! And we were running away from a madman not the tree!- scowled Kainer.
-Who are you talking to Kainer?- Jack threw him a suspicious glance.
-Eh.. No one.-
After Kainer and Jack finally returned to Franks house they took as many wood they could and as fast as they could gone to the butcher shop.
(I will edit it later and add further part. I'm just impatient.)
The butcher shop was placed in the center of the village. It was a large wooden house with a giant sign "THE BUTCHER"... Kainer never said it aloud but that place frightened the hell out of him. The cold air inside and strange silence, the mysterious door that led to the back-rooms. And finally the creepy and somehow elegant butcher Gan Paul...
There was definitely something wrong with that man. The way he spoke, the way he was cleaning his butcher knife. Something wasn't right... You always got that anxious feeling that... you might be the next thing that he will cut...
A little bell rang as they entered the shop.
A tall blond man with a big blonde moustache was standing behind the counter cleaning his knife with disturbing smile. At the sound of a bell he looked at two young men standing inside his shop.
-Hi dad!- Said the shorter one with brown hair and suspicious grimace.
Dad? Did he just call him "dad"!!!?
-Hi son. I assume that you brought that wood for the... grill? Didn't you...?- Said the man with a cold metallic voice.
-Yes. We also need the Ham. It's classified so I can't tell you much.- Said Jack quietly but loud.
-Ah... Yes. The Ham. Just leave the wood here... I will return... with the Ham... In a minute.- Said Gan Paul eyeing on the door behind him.
As he entered the staff room door shut behind him with a loud creak., Kainer could swear he heard some quiet, very quiet screams just as the door was going to close... He only hoped that it was just his imagination.
As they were standing there with awward silence Kainer finally spoke up.
-So... He is your father huh?-
-Yeah.-
...
-Good.-
Finally after a long silence JACK'S DAD! returned and as door opened and shut behind him Kainer once again was nearly sure he has heard something.
-Please... Here you... go Kainer...- Said the man with a strangely dangerous smile.
Kainer with trembling hand reach out for the ham only to catch something too heavy and cold to be ham.
What was it? Was it an arm? A human arm!!! -Wha... What is it?- Said dumbfounded Kainer holding in his hand... A large smith hammer?
-It's the Ham... The hammer of... Our... blacksmith John... He... lost it... In cards. Yesterday. I swear he will one day lose his... neck.-
That did sound as a threat...
Aw... A hammer. I thought that we will get a real ham here. A blacksmith needs a hammer not a ham - finally some logic here. Still... I don't want to spend any minute longer in this place. And the fact that he's the Jack's father disturbs me even more.
-Sorry sirr but wwe need gget going... So many things to do! Ah!-
-Ah... Of course. Keep your... heads... up. And see you... another... time.-
-Bye dad!-
As the two young men left the shop the butcher waited some time before locking the front door. He pulled a giant knife from behind the counter and slightly opened the backroom door.
A muffled "help" resound behind the metal door.
-I will need to reinforce the locks... Humans sure are dead...ly... stubborn...- A cold metallic voice echoed with laughter inside the butcher's shop.
And like that with a loud screech the metal door shut behind him.
Just as our great heroes retrieved the Ham from the butcher and were heading towards the village blacksmith someone blocked their way. And more precisely three someones.
Three boys in similar age as Kainer. All three of them dumber than him and... Bigger than him.
-Oh... What we've got here? It's Glowing moron and his girlfriend. How about that?- Said the leader of the three. Tall boy with fat cheeks, big muscles and dirty blond hair. Two others laughed dumbly.
-What is a girlfriend?- Whispered Jack confused.
-I don't know. But I think that he is insulting us.-
-But what is wrong with having a girl-friend?-
-Donno. Never had one. But my mother is scary sometimes.-
-So... Maybe it was actually a complement? That I'm as scary as a woman?- Replied Jack.
-Don't think so. It's Brutan we are talking about and we both know that he hate us. -
-You never know. I just hope that Goblin-teleportation invasion won't happen right now. That would be ugly.-
-Again with your paranoias...-
-HEY! What you think you are doing faggots?-
Brutan and his duo stepped closer.
-That was clearly an insult.- whispered Kainer.
-Yeah I think so too.- whispered Jack.
Both of them nodded finally coming to an agreement. Unfortunately just as they were going to celebrate - the angry face of Brutan dragged them back on earth.
-Oh. What do you have there Glowing Moron? Show me.- Said Brutan with threatening voice.
Kainer's hand gripped harder on the hammer. Knowing how stupid Brutan was even if he told him that the hammer belonged to John the Smith (which you didn't want to mess with) he would still pull something stupid on him like..."taking the hammer from him" Brutan wasn't cleaver. He was one of that sort that hit the wall with their head ten times before taking an axe and destroying it instead of using the door. So Kainer knew there is only one option.
-Brutan isn't that your mom?- Kainer smiled widely while pointing behind him.
Brutan and his gang turned their heads in fear just as they noticed no one there they let out a deep sigh.
-There is n...-
-HEY! THEY ESCAPED!-
-----------------------------------------------
If you would take a look on the village street at that time you would notice two blurry shapes traveling with enormous speed through village alleys. Who was that? What were they doing? You would wonder. Well. If you could look a little behind them you would notice three much taller and muscular shapes traveling with even faster speed and angry faces. And at that time you wouldn't need any further explanations.
-Run faster K.!-
-Trying!-
-THEY ARE CATCHING UP TO US!!!-
My lungs hurt, my legs hurt and they were getting closer. Yeah. I wasn't the best runner. With desperate eyes I was trying to find something to slow them down but there was nothing. No bucket full of oil, no bananas, no barrel of spikes. There were only five cats meowing to each other on a small wall... Wait.
-THEY ARE BEHIND US K.!!!!-
Two meters behind us three blurry shapes appeared. Their faces full of anger and inborn idiocy.
-YOU WON'T ESC...ARRGH!!! AAAAA!!!- Before Brutan could finish his eloquent sentence a white cat slammed into his face. Followed by two more that hit his companions.
Angrily meowing and a sound of mixer on high speed could be heard from behind us.
-I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!- Roared ragged, covered in cuts and blood Brutan. A cat that bit to his shoulder and didn't let go was dangling behind him with each step he took. His companions didn't look any better.
-I THINK WE JUST PISSED HIM OFF MORE!- Screamed Jack.
True but at least it worked. They were good six meter behind us and we were getting closer to the smith. It was almost behind the corner. We just needed one final push. And that final push was delivered...
A fist smashed into my face setting me flying few last meters that I needed to cross the corner. Whlie flying upside down I could see giant bearded figure smashing the hot-red ingot... WITH HIS OWN FIST? Yes. Remember to never piss off John. Never mind. A wave of aerie relaxation hit my body as someone lifted me from the floor. Oh. I feel so sleepy...
-What are ye think ye doing brats!? Leave them right now!- Rumbled a deep, powerful voice.
Brutan dropped me and flinched in fear. No sane man was going to deny an order from a two meter high and almost as wide smith. The same goes for two other assholes who backed away now.
Jack stood up barely keeping straight on his own, his body covered in bruises and cuts. As for me I decide to take a nap. On the ground... In the mud. Yeah. A Nap.
I was woken up from my sweet nap by a mean stream of cold washing over my face. My poor glowing hair sank wet and my nose was filled with water nearly suffocating me. Thank you for sensible waking up by the way. I opened my eyes while coughing loudly. Trying to get rid of water inside my nostrils.
-Kainer are ya alright?- muttered a giant beard in front of my face. Who are you beard? Don't hurt us. We come in peace. Were the first thoughts hitting my head. Second were feelings of incredible pain flowing through my right cheek, jaw and various parts of my body. Auch. My fucking god. Auch. That's how I would summary it.
Usually I don't like swearing even when taking the role of narrator (You are not taking my role you fool. I'm merely allowing you to do it. More. I use you. Hoho. I use you and you even think that's an honor!!!) Shut up! I'm starting to hate this guy. So as I was saying there are those times when swearing hard is the right thing to do.
-$#^#%! #$%^^! #$%^&! #$^&&&! #$%! $#^&%&#^% @%#%^! #$%^^^&**! #$^^ #$%^^ & !!! #$%^&&^% !!!! @#$%#^%^& #$%#$% @@@#$%%$! @#$$@ $@#$ %$%$% #$#$ $@ $^%&&^% @&#$% # #$%@!!! @##$@ %#$% #$%!!! $#@$ @#$#$ #$@ @#$@!!!! #@$@%$%^$ %#@$@$ @!!! @#$ @#%%^$#%#........
Jack and John stared at me with surprised faces Jack more suspicious but still surprised nonetheless. They flinched with each new curse coming from my mouth. It took almost thirty minutes before I run out of my vocabulary.
-Boy. I think I learned almost twenty new ones.- Admitted impressed John.
-I liked the most that with a cow and her mother.- Added Jack.
-For me the one with red hood and what he'll gonna do with her basket. It had something from my childhood in it.- Pointed out Jon.
When I was finally able to focus enough to remind myself why I was here I noticed that my right hand was strangely numb. To my surprise it was still squeezing The Ham. Well. I didn't know that I have that skill. Might be useull... No. I don't really see how it would be useful. I reach out carefully with my right hand towards the Smith. My jaw was still swollen so I tried to speak with my left side.
-Actually - we came here to gife you tfhis.- I carefully let go of the hammer.
I let go of the hammer.
YOU FRIGGIN HAND LET GO OF THE HAMMER!
Yes. One finger a time. Yes.
And here we go! I let go of the hammer. My pale white fist finally opened enough letting the hammer to slip away.
-My bloody-moma hammer! How did you... Hey ain't ya son of Gan young fella? As I look at you - you have that similar cold look in your eyes. But lil more paranoid.-
Jack looked at him paranoid and whispered.
-Yeah they tell me that a lot.-
Mostly before they die... (Jack narrator)
Oh his narrator is scary. (The Narrator)
Yeah I know. He should socialize more with people. (Kainer narrator)
-Wfe neef a dfagger for the hunter mrf. Jofhn. Dfo you goft one?- Mumbled Kainer.
-Sure lad. I've got a plenty. Here, you can have my personal dagger with ya.- He handed over a solid large dagger with slightly dark steel.
-OH! By the way Kainer I heard you've got your 18 birthday today! Congratulations! I will sure come for the celebration! That kind of thing happens only once in life!-
-Fthanks...-
One might ask why John the smith was so intimate with Kainer. One might ask. But narrator is an asshole and won't answer.
-Ye know lad. I membar how ya used to run through the village with yer...-
-That's enough thank you-
-Eh... Ya don't feel like it lad but that village is yer home lad. You will always stay one of morons. We don't forget about our own even if yer is a lazy glowing idiot. We will still try to save you when in trouble - ye know?-
No matter what that old bear say I won't cry. I'm adopted. My parents were Germans from the magical land of Germans and I feel no attachment to this village! I won't cry. I WON't! That drops of water falling right now from my eyes are only a natural occurrence while swollen. It's only a way to help the wounds heal quicker! I'M NOT CRYING!!!
-...Tfhanks.-
The smith smiled.
-No problem lad.You just member to always put your pants on before running through the village.-
-I WAS FOUR BACK THEN!!!- Auch. My jaw. My jaw.
There was more questions that I wanted ask him like : What with that "ye" and "lad" slang among smiths? Do they have some kind of elementary book for smiths in which they even teach them how to speak alike? Was that some kind of secret language? And why almost every single smith had a giant bushy, beard? But that wasn't for my jaw at the moment.
-Tfake care!- I mumbled. Jack only nodded suspiciously.
With those words our young heroes headed towards their next destination... The Hunter.
Hunter Sweater was a half-old grumpy man living on the outskirts of the village. Some say he was a scout in a bandit-team once but after some other bandits killed his entire group but him all he was left was hunting. Others say he was the north loyalist, a high figure in their ranks however after Tobeyou kingdom anected the north there was nothing he could do so he simply retired in this peaceful village, hunting more for sport than money. He was strange and mysterious. A combination that people of this village had plenty but he had one peculiar thing that kept most people away from him... He had an eccentric hat. Well. But that wasn't everything.
What made him even more eccentric however was the fact that he was using a trained snail to track animals... Which... was totally ineffective and slow.
He named his snail... Blacksnail.
As he was just outside of his wooden house two mysterious young men approached him.
-Hello mister Sweater.- Greeted him the one with the glowing hair.
-Hympf. And what you brats wanna from me? I'm busy go bother someone else.-
Yh Let's get over it.
-We've got a dagger for you.- Kainer showed him a big dark dagger that he got from the smith.
-Dagger? Give it to me! Took you long enough.- Sweater snatched dagger out of his hand.
-Eh? But. I never told you that I will bring you any dagger...-
-That's why it took you long enough boy. Don't argue with me if you want to have your precious pelt.-
-And how did you know I want a pelt?- Asked (yeah what a surprise) surprised Kainer.
-Well boy. When you get older those things come to you naturally. It's a matter of experience.-
-He just guessed Kainer.- Interjected Jack.
-Wha..? No! Of course I wasn't guessing! It was an intuition! INTUITION! Something that you can acquire only through age.- frowned Sweater.
-Eh... Whatever. So what about that pelt?-
-Sorry boys but we will need to hunt it down. I have nothing to spare at the moment.-
-Why anything can't be easy?- gasped easygoing Kainer.
-Well. Our visit to the butcher WAS easy.- Replied Jack.
-Sure. Ok. So why every second thing must be hard?-
Jack shrugged -Conspiracy-
-Listen boys! Remember to never go inside the deep dark without a proper hunter as a guide. It's dangerous place in which you can just step on a wrong twig and die just like that. You don't want to die do you?-
We shook our heads.
-Fine. So just stand behind me and stay quiet. I and Blacksnail will take care of everything.-
-Blacksnail! Where is my bow?- A black snail without a shell around the size of a small dog emerged from behind the old man carrying a stick.
-Stupid snail! That's not my bow. Fetch me my bow!-
-Ehem... Mister Sweater. Why can't we just wait here for you to return with the pelt? Surely we would only be a bother...- Spoken even reluctant Kainer.
-Cause you will hep me carry the thing that I will hunt my boys. Or maybe you want to wait an entire day for me to return? I'm not in my prime anymore and Blacksnail caught a cold lately - so he isn't as fast as usually.-
As fast as usually huh?... I sighed.
-Yeah. OK we will go.-
My hand led by "intuition" gripped on Jacks arm who at that moment seemed dangerously close to exactly opposite direction in which we should go.
And so once again they entered the forest.
Sweater, Blacksnail, Jack and Kainer followed a small forests path looking for any signs of their prey wary of every twig an leaf, every shadow and sound, every mushroom and plant, every...
-So did your... Em.. Snail find something?- Said Kainer while watching as the snail slowly, inch by inch moved forward. Fresh forest air and calming sounds of the forest filed his lungs and ears. It might had been even a good trip... IF NOT FOR THE THE RIDICULOUSLY SLOW PACE THEY WALKED AT. Basically every few steps they stopped and waited for the snail to catch up. It took them already an hour and they moved barely twenty meters.
-No he didn't! And don't ask me that every thirty seconds, it takes time bloody dammit!- growled the old man. And just as he spoke that words Blacksnail twitched and pointed with his eye-horns to the left.
-I think he is hungry. Come one little fella take it.- Jack smiled paranoid. Who knew that he likes animals? I didn't. And I'm the bloody narrator.
-Don't feed it! It's a tracking snail not a pig!- Said grumpy old man taking Jacks leaf before he could give it to the poor starving creature.
- And It looks like Blacksnail found something. Let's hurry.- Pointed Sweater in the same direction as the snail.
And so we chased after... No we simply continued to wait for the snail to move.
With each minute Jack was getting more and more tense.... His eyes were reaching his speed limits and were currently spinning in every possible direction. If those eyes could speak - they would say nothing. That busy were his eyes. His thoughts occupied many different scenarios that could take place while they were hunting. From an army of teleporting goblins through visit of Sweater's mother law and wanting him to return her favorite vase to the dragon dancing club taking this spot for their practice. Jack didn't know if dragons have dancing clubs, but he couldn't exclude that possibility. And when he followed behind Sweater a loud rustling noise came from their right.
Before anyone could react a giant turtle shell rolled down the forest hill smashing into poor Blacksnail taking it with it.
All three of them stared in shock at the scene couldn't truly comprehend what just happened.
They looked at each other opening and closing their mouths few times. And then as one all of them rushed after the rolling duo.
-Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!- cursed Sweater.
We ran down the slope after them while the shell were hitting nearby trees and bouncing from left to right. A screech of poor Blacksnail echoed behind.
As we accelerated 30 meters further with the power of gravity a loud crack rumbled behind us. Some of the trees hit by the shelve started to fall down. boom BOOM BOOOM. Crashing sound were getting louder and louder. Like domino trees were falling behind on each other closer and closer heading straight... Oh let's guess... AT US!!!
-FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!-
-@%#$@# @#$%$ #%#$% @^%$# @$%!!!!-
-To thousand gutted pigs!!!-
We ran with all our might now more running away for our lives than chasing the shell. But finally... They caught up to us. A tree fell right at Jack who dodged in the last moment avoiding being crushed, with a loud BOOM it hit the ground nearly breaking my right foot. BOOM/ Another one fell right before us completely blocking our path. Unfortunately we were running too fast and the hill was too skew so stopping wasn't an option. So there was only one thing we could do to avoid smashing into it.
We jumped.
And so they flew. Flew above like no one ever before. Defying the gravity! Shattering the chains of heavy earth. Following the path to breathtaking blue! Spreading their wings wide with unbroken pride! Bravely challenging the skye! Climbing higher and...
-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!-
And just falling like everybody else.
Everything blurred before Kainer. With a speed of an arrow he flew down the slope passing by bushes, trees and grass. His heart pounding like a waterfall of rocks. Fear screamed inside as he saw a tree right ahead.
...
A loud splash of water echoed under a high forest cliff. An aerie silence filled the air only interrupted by a quiet snail squeaking.
...
And then two shapes emerged from a small pond. Heavy coughing resonated through nearby bushes and hit the wall of a stone cliff as Kainer and Sweater dragged themselves out of the water. Breathing heavily under a high cliff above at the bottom of the slope, soaked from head to toes they slowly looked around.
-JAAACK!!!- Screamed Kainer while scanning the surrounding with panic. A dread feeling squeezed his heart.
Finally from above their heads resounded a familiar voice -Here K!-
A thin brown-haired boy with a pale paranoid face slipped from the stones above them.
-Thank god!- Kainer sighed with relief.
All three were still panting heavily tired from the mad run.
-Fuck... I think I shit myself.- murmured Sweater wrenching his coat from water.
-We... We almost FUCKING DIED!!!- Kainer just realized how close they were to death. Yeah. Took him a while...
-SCREW YOU NARRATOR!!!- Screamed the wet hero.
- SCREW THE PELT!!! SCREW THE BUTTER!!! I'M GOING HOME AND I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!! IF IN ORDER TO GET A FRIGGING BUTTER IN YOUR OWN FRIGGING BIRTHDAY YOU MUST ALMOST DIE THEN I'M OUT!!! I HAD ENOUGH!!! THANK YOU FOR A NICE BIRTHDAY!!!- Thundered infuriated Kainer.
Jack and Sweater only looked at each other not really knowing what to think of it.
And just as he was going to head towards a random direction in his rage a strange low roar comming from nearby caught his attention.
-Uuuuuhhmmmm-
On their left a big snake-like head extended from a giant shell that stuck now inside a ground crater. A small black shape was squealing loudly glued on it's top.
After it rolled down all the way it could it apparently hit the cliff and got stuck thought Kainer.
-Don't get closer! It's not over yet!- Yelled Sweater.
Sweater pulled his wet bow out and gripped the string. His wet arrow flew with a lightening speed towards the turtle and... it missed...
-Damn it!- Cursed unlucky archer.
He shot another ten arrows in which only two hit the head but the monster still didn't die...
-DAMN!- Cursed (small correction here) unskilled archer.
Jack and Kainer only started at efforts of the old man and breathing heavy still too tired from the run to really bother.
The turtle roared loudly but couldn't move from its spot. Sweater kept shooting with his amazing precision for next 5 minutes hitting it only twice.
And with the final shot to the eye the giant turtle died. -Uuhhhgh....-
Each of them silently stared at the strange creature that brought them so much trouble.
-How the hell did that thing got into the forest!? Aren't they supposed to live in the ocean?- Kainer finally broke the silence.
-I told you K. Strange things are happening. No one is safe anymore...- Whispered suspiciously tired but dry Jack.
Sweater carefully walked up to the turtle.
-Blacksnail!- He pulled down the frightened and squealing snail from the shell.
-Stupid snail! You could get us all killed! What stupid thought struck your head to chase that turtle!?-
... Yes as if he did it on purpose ...
The snail slowly slipped on the ground visibly shaken and confused.
Sweater looked closer at the turtle and shook his head angrily. -Fuck. It's not good. We will need to inform village militia.-
-Yeah. They surely need to know that there are giant turtle-killers rolling from the hills in the forest.- Kainer even didn't know how much.
-How much?-
I won't tell.
-Screw you.-
Kainer looked at the thing gloomily.
-I don't suppose you can skin that thing?-
-Hympf. Who do you think I am? Of course I can. Originally I wanted you to carry our catch back to my place but that thing is way too heavy...-
At least one good news...
And so Sweater began skinning the giant turtle.
-Good job Blacksnail.- Whispered Jack patting the slimy creature.
-You deserve a treat.- He gave him a big tasty leaf (oh how I love big tasty leaves) which it swallowed with haste. And just as it stopped eating the snail started to glow. A giant cocoon grew incredibly fast around its body. Jack wary backed away.
-I told you fools to not feed him anything. He was on a strict diet!- cursed Sweater.
And as three of them were looking at the strange cocoon a white light enveloped it. Flashing and pulsing orb of light was spinning and sending blinding rays everywhere. The wind surged swaying the trees and moving leaves when sky suddenly became darker. Strange silence filled the air.
-What is happening?- Asked Kainer pushed slightly by stronger and stronger wind. His wet glowing hair were slapping him on his face.
-It's... It's transforming!- Yelled Sweater.
Ground started trembling, wind smacked and slashed our three hunters pushing them further and further away.
-Hold on to the trees!- Screamed Jack.
Each of them hugged their own tree as tightly as they could as a powerful gust of wind send them almost flying. Their bodies floated above the ground attached to the trunks only by the strength of their arms.
Wind continued to blow as their tired arms began to slip.
-I can't keep it up much longer!- Kainer
-Try boy! TRY!!!- Sweater
-Just a moment! It's getting weaker!- Jack
And then it all stopped. They abruptly fell on the ground.
Sky lightened up, wind ceased. Leaves fell peacefully on the forest ground. Calming sounds of forest filled surrounding once more as if nothing ever happened.
Suddenly the glowing shape flashed strongly, blinding all three. A loud "bzzt" filled their ears.
When they finally regained their sight before their eyes stood a few times bigger than before a black snail. It was now of a size of a big dog reaching with its head to the lower part of human chest.
Kainer scratched his head. -Well. It looks almost the same. All that flashy effects only to make him bigger? I don't get it.-
-Not only bigger you moron! Look at his horns!- Sweater pointed at its head. And so if you looked close enough you could see two small black horns growing out of its head just behind his eye-horns.
Sweater suddenly flinched and stared in the air before him then waved his hand as if dismissing something. His eyes widened in disbelief.
-He... He evolved into a hobsnail...-
...
-Hob...What?-
-I heard only about hobtrollblings and hobfaires but hobsnails...? It looks like they are making their move sooner than I anticipated.- Murmured Jack.
-Hobsnails are bigger, faster, stronger and much more aggressive variation of the big snail. They are very territorial.-
-But they are still snails right?- Asked Kainer.
-Well... Yes.-
-And they eat plants not meat?-
-Yes but...-
-And they are terribly slow?-
-Yes... No! Not that terribly but...-
-Still much slower than humans yes?-
...
-Yes. But the re...-
-So why the hell didn't you just fed him more and have bigger and faster snail for your hunting?-
...
-You! You! You think that its so easy to control a HOBSNAIL? I never heard of anyone achieving that feat. They ar...-
-Maybe because no one would waste their time on taming a snail in the first place? They don't really seem to have much battle potential you know?-
-They could be useful against tomato-tornado-vampires though...- murmured Jack.
-THEY ARE DANGEROUS! Maybe not in the term of raw power but they are fanatical persistent! They can stalk you for months only waiting for a moment of weakness to eat all vegetables you have.-
-Months because they need so much time to catch up to you?- chuckled Kainer.
-Laugh how much you want my boy but don't ever put your guard down near that creatures. Their instincts are what made them so feared.-
-feared by cabbages... doom of carrots..- murmured Kainer resisting his urge to burst out in laughter.-
-Never mind. I will need to train him. That won't be an easy task...-
-Ok. What about my skin?- Kainer threw the turtle a look.
-Ah... You can have these.- Sweater pulled out a small fox pelt from beneath his coat and handed it to Kainer.
Kainer stared at the pelt.
-YOU HAD IT ALL THE TIME!!!???? I WILL #@$%$# KILL YOU!!! YOU DAMN PIECE OF WARDROBE!!!- Jack held me by arms while I was trying to kick the old geezer with all my might.
-We will be going...- Whispered Jack dragging Kainer away.
And so after an easy and fulfilling hunt. -WE ALMOST DIED THERE!!!- Full of energy and vigor our heroes... -I'M DAMN TIRED AND SOAKED WET!- traveled back to the village to exchange fox pelt for some cookies. -HELL IF I WILL!!!- You know... It's only those cookies from bakery and next step is... The butter. -NO!- Oh jut try it. -NO!- The hardest is already behind you. -NO!- Your mother will kill you if you won't get her that butter. -........- So... After finally acquiring the pelt our brave heroes eagerly headed towards the bakery.
Meanwhile in the northern forest.
A hunter and a hobsnail stood near a small tent. Sweater stared at the hobsnail with a stern look. He pulled out two wooden swords and threw one at Blacksnail. -This is how every hot-headed youngling learns order and discipline. It worked on me so it will work on you. I know that you like more eating salads than hitting people around but from now one you will have to. You will learn how to obey and how to keep your temper at bay. If not I will have to put you down. I will not let you be a threat to the village. Are we clear?-
Blacksnail hissed angrily and started munching on the wooden sword.
Sweater sighed. -It will surely be a long trip.-
(yeah not finished yet the chapter ends when its title has sense)