Diary entry number 90

farmer Pegasus is hooked up to the wagon pulling me and the mostly abandoned to bed.

my leg still hurts when I walk on it too long.

Sundrop is sitting across from me as I'm writing this listening to everything I say into the microphone of the phone and I'm not even bothering trying to hide but I've been writing this entire thing down.

I've lived with Her for… a number of years that I can't remember right now and I'm not going to take the half an hour to scroll back through my diary entries to figure out what it was.

but I think I'm just going to let everyone that bothers listening to what I feel now.

Trying to answer their questions like why won't I go home, why am I out here doing this, what are my motivations excetera excetera.

And I'm going to come clean.

I'm going to sit here and explain everything to my diary out loud while everybody listens while simultaneously pretending like they're not there.

It's not like this is the first time I've done it anyway. but this time I'll actually be telling you what I'm actually feeling instead of just doing a short summary of stuff that makes me look cool.

I'll be honest I have no f****** clue what I'm doing.

I wasn't lying when I said I had a feeling in my gut… oh great now nightmare isn't even pretending to not be listening. Yes Sundrop I'm hallucinating, leave me alone and let me finish.

But yeah I had a feeling in my God it wasn't as powerful as I made it seem to be I just felt like I didn't want to be in that f****** cave anymore and then I wanted to go in that general direction.

And I'll be honest, as soon as I left my comfortable little box that I've been living in for the last 2 years I started having doubts.

doubts that I promptly pushed aside by quoting The Blues Brothers end saying I'm on a mission from God and then immediately assuming every natural or unnatural thought in my head was just a demon trying to persuade me for my quest.

no matter how rational it was.

And the doubts only seemed to get stronger when the first thing I did was Waltz into a town, closed everyone into the church and Burn It To The Ground with everyone inside of it.

Nightmare did ironically try to make me have nightmares about their screams but I felt indifferent.

And really I just thought it was loud.

She's trying to make me paranoid about one of the ponies that actually escaped from the flames coming to get me.

But I know for a fact anyone that got out of that building would have had third-degree Burns all over their body and seeing as there was no medical attention nearby they probably died… no they definitely died.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

and no nightmare you're not going to convince me that they're going to come back from the dead like that Lich that I killed earlier.

I can feel your dastardly little Smokey tendrils squirming around in my head Nightmare.

Quit it, I need to put this down.

with that out of the way I will continue with the fact that when I approached said Lich my heart was racing and Every single one of those Undead that charged at me I thought they were going to push me to the ground and skewer me on whatever weapon they had at the time and that I was surely going to die… again.

I was actually kind of hoping for it. I was not expecting to walk through the armies of the undead like they didn't exist. well they still kind of existed. I tripped over their bodies once or twice.

And I wasn't exactly expecting to be able to kill a powerful Lich like that like it was nothing.

I was expecting to keel over dead by his mere presence.

And then I walk onto the farmer's Farm pretending like I had Decades of experience spewing random facts I found on the internet when really I had less experience than he did.

And every night I spent in the f****** cold was miserable.

Constantly being woken up by nocturnal animals just doing their normal thing.

I'm actually surprised that I'm still sane especially when that spider tried to climb down my throat.

it wasn't even a small spider.

I'm constantly wondering if what I'm doing is right and even Nightmare is questioning my sanity sometimes.

…I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm even bothering writing this s*** down.

Is it because the therapist in the real world told me I should keep a diary or a journal or something so he can read my personal thoughts when he thinks I can't see him. he doesn't have to worry about me not seeing him I can't see a damn thing Beyond this colorful World of ponies and Dragons.

I spend so much time pretending that I know what I'm doing When really I don't know a damn f****** thing.

I never even graduated high school. hell I probably should have never got out of third grade. and wouldn't have gotten out of it if it wasn't for the no child Left Behind crap.

You know that point when your child when you say you want to go to school after seeing a commercial on TV or something?

I had that moment just like everyone else. I also changed my mind the same day but told by my parents that I was too late.

so I went to school and hated every moment of it. probably mostly because I never wanted to go.

And then I grew up and Started living off of my grandpa's retirement funds after my father passed away of covid Before having a psychotic break and now I'm probably living in a mental ward sedated all to hell in a padded room somewhere.

So now I'm sitting in a pony world full of magic and friendship and stuff and it's just as bad if not worse than the world I left behind.

I've been trying to treat it like it was just a lucid dream or like the VR games of the future with total immersion.

but I think I've gotten too immersed into the game.

Does my family have to have pay to keep me in a mental ward if I'm a danger to society and myself?

one of the many questions that had come across my mind what I was just sitting there in the dark waiting for sleep to take me.

HA!

sleep is the only thing I seem to be good at.

sleeping in class sleeping outside sleeping in the car on the way to school sleeping in the middle of the day.

and in one case sleeping while I was driving without killing myself or wrecking the car.

And I don't think I'll ever forget I actually managed to sleep with my eyes open.

but that can be argued as going into deep imagination.

Maybe that's what I'm doing, maybe I'm still just laying in the middle of that field on the top of the hill and that this is the first time my dreams had fully taken hold of my consciousness.

I remember my cousin said he had a dream that lasted 30 years from his perspective and then he started wandering around the house when he walked up wondering where he was and who everyone was.

I think I just got to sleep and maybe I'll wake up in the real world.

I didn't know it was possible to fall asleep inside of a dream.