An alarm beats incessantly in my room, urging me to tear myself away from a cocoon of comfort.
With a little mental motivation, my body seems incessant on pressing a refresh button. Each muscle fiber in my body is suddenly tightened, like a great bag of air that forces out the plague that is sleep deprivation from my body. Disappointingly, it never does, but at least when I can now move I'm not fighting the sleepy version of myself.
The light's not working in my room, so my workload is already a metric ton. I open the curtains and windows, hoping the cool March air will erase the stench that is sweat. At the very least, the light helps. I groan like a troll with every step I take; from my bed to my computer, and class, pretending that I care and that I know what I'm talking about.
She's leaving today. Perhaps...
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"Well, you don't necessarily need to create the full game tree. How about you just find one node and focus on match sticks, huh? ..."
I appreciate his efforts, but ultimately I'm too stubborn. God damn it, I'll find the SPE of tic tac toe and I'll do it with the assignment extension you gave me!
I walk out of the class and up the few flights of stairs, walking back to my dorm room at a breakneck speed of "I'm not going anywhere soon so I'll take my time" mph. I find myself always staring at the sky, at some point. Whether it's crystal clear or chock with clouds that found out they'll dump their innards, I tend to always long for the ability to fly away. I'm too weighted, what with this body and expectations. I always find myself trying to rationalize them, but the intent remains.
My short time of reverie is being interrupted this time; an upperclassman is waving at me, her smile a welcome addition to my day. I wave back, immediately telling the walls of my heart to stand at the ready.
One step
I'm carrying her to the grand canyon, watching her every step as we hold hands. I am smiling and happy.
Another step.
We're finally married! A glorious night of passion ensues, with kisses abound and the scent of passion permeating the room.
One more step.
The sequoia tree stands tall and grand, me leaning against it with her in my arms. I softly kiss her neck, eliciting slight sighs from her. I never go too far; I am letting her know that she makes my everything. The kissing subsides and the silence of the world beings a performance, specific to the two of us.
"Hey! Thanks so much for being willing to walk me. I and my friends are going to get lunch; want to join?"
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The universe in my mind is immediately popped, but fortunately, I've had enough experience to never be completely carried away; at least, not when she's right in front of me. I know I'm no perfect man, so I let the life I've lived with her float away. I tell her to just give me one moment; I still need to shower, do homework, and continue fantasizing. For obvious reasons, I leave the last part out.
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5:00 pm comes in a flash. I meet up with her and her friends downstairs. Inwardly I'm happy to spend time, as the universe simulator that is my mind runs off to play. We walk to a local cafe, each getting something to eat as we sit and talk for a while. I talk and laugh, the whole while thinking of tips I've been told for inter-conversational ability:
"Try to ask more questions"
"Be quieter; let others do the talking"
Pretty soon these leave my mind as I interject my opinion here and there. Each person laughs or agrees and seems to enjoy, but my mind, the simulator that it is, is going off the chain. I'm too busy imagining a life with her, with the girl over there, the other cute girl; I'm wondering what each person thinks of me when I talk; I don't know whether they like me or tolerate me.
I'm used to it, at this point. I let my mind do its thing, influencing me in every way. I'm half acting at this point, mixing truth and lie and never following a proper mood. I suppose after our time together is over I will realize I enjoyed and hated my time with her and everyone else. I do not know what my mind has made me out to be at this point.
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7:00 pm crawls around, as I'm standing outside of her dorm. She walks out, carrying a few bags. For a moment, I consider asking if she needs help; I ultimately decline my own politeness. The station isn't far so I wonder why I'm here accompanying her. I suppose all her other friends were busy; after all, on the premise of being neighborly, I offered to walk her there so she'd be with a friend. I justify many reasons for me being with her, yet I never try to pinpoint any reason that she may have accepted my offer. There are many reasons, I propose mentally, beyond her liking me; after all, who would like me? I'm not attractive in any sense. The possibility plays in my head, but I am quick always to crush it down into powder every time it comes up.
I think...I HAVE to think that I KNOW the reality; she doesn't like me. I'm yelling in my brain as I talk politely with her, reminiscing certain times with her as the station draws close. If she saw the turmoil in my mind she'd recoil in horror, but even that possibility is funny. My brain makes me consider variables that I would never consider; I must look weird around her; what do people think of my looks?; can they tell I'm faking it?
I'm trying so hard to just seem normal.
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The train is coming soon.
"Hey, you know it's always fun hanging. I suppose I should get going soon."
The concept of small talk is one I always find annoying. I don't feel it necessary and hate when my emotions tell me otherwise. I don't even really remember what we talk about while we wait.
The train comes to a stop and the doors open, letting out but a few people. She walks towards the door...
The simulator that is in my mind turns on again, imagining scenarios and actions. The urge to talk to her about...something more than friendship...passes through my head. It grows strong.
Yet another scenario the mess that is my mind creates plays. I imagine a warm hand grasping my shoulder. The walls that are wondering whether to fall and let out the emotions I wish to show fall, but nothing flows. Instead, I force a chuckle out of myself.
I know who I am. I know what I am not. Too long have I wondered whether to go for it or not, to let out the emotions that grip me. I rear control and calmy state my goodbye, mustering a smile of warm friendship. I push away the universe of possible interactions, letting it float away and disappear. I imagine the train carrying her and the universe away, as I walk back to my dorm. I wonder what I'll do next.