Chapter 73: It would have been nice

Anthony Grazhe’s therapy diary, entry logged on August 21st 2497.

I’m having trouble deciding who I am right now… Anthony, or Anthony Grazhe.

I can’t even imagine how hard it is for Diana. I know we haven’t been entirely open to each other, I barely know a thing about her biological dad other than what my aunt has told me. That he’s Titanium, a former NeoCore corporate who decided to play politics in our city and is the next biggest pick for mayor right behind Johan Trask.

Corporate Consultant for our government. Practically any big deal gets his oversight, making him one of the most influential people in our entire city. The Swarm’s defence, our budget, our… manpower. He’s an opportunist.

I can see why Diana doesn’t like him.

Fuck, why am I even writing about Diana in this thing? This thing was for me…

Dammit, I like her. I like her in a way that goes beyond coworkers, beyond partners. But I can’t… be an opportunist. She’s grieving, hurt and lost since Yvette died. Right now, she’s under a lot of pressure, refusing to even live her at her own house anymore.

Should I ask her to stay at my place? I don’t want to come off as creepy or weird.

I just want to be there for her, she’s genuinely an amazing person. Most people look down on me, see me as the black sheep of the family. Even she did… but she’s a black sheep herself. Both of us have crappy families, and I think we… make a good match.

But she needs her space, time and… a moment away from all of this. I'm scared for her, she's being reckless and I think... it's because she stopped caring about herself, I felt it when I spoke to her... she wants to punish herself. I don't know if I can change her mind.

And I… I know what I am. I’m no firestarter, not the way she is. She’ll hit special within a year or two, I bet it. Her father’s going to do everything he can to make her into some living advertisement once her Gold gets out, probably claim to have had a hand in getting it to her. I don’t care, I’ll be there when it happens to bark at him.

Or, well, ‘baaa’ at him. I’m a black sheep after all.

4:21 PM

August 22nd

Diana

”Where you heading off to right now?” Anthony stopped me as I got out of the Precinct’s elevator.

”The auction.” I said plainly.

”Shit, it’s today?! Why didn’t you tell me, don’t tell me you’re going alone?” His panic was oddly adorable. “Remember, we’re in this-”

“-together.” I completed with a genuine smile. “It’s not that, just only got one invite so I don’t assume they’ll take too kindly to a plus one.”

”That makes sense… well, what’re you wearing? Sounds like a high-end event.”

“Why so interested in my dressing apparel?” I asked, confused but also slightly amused.

“From what you told me… it might not be the best idea to head back to your place. Where will you get your clothes from?” He said, which made sense.

”I was going to stop at a dress shop.” I answered.

”And you’re going to walk all the way to this… auction or whatever? You don’t have a car now as well.” Why was he being so… annoy-

No, he was just worried. “You make a good point. What are you suggesting?”

He came up with an answer pretty quickly. ”To… stop by at my place. My mom was roughly your size. She’ll have a few dresses, my grandfather used to attend galas pretty often with the family and it’s not like they’re doing much waiting in a closet. I’ll drive you there since you don’t have a car, and I’ll pick you up too.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

He insisted. “I want to. I-I won’t let you go if you disagree.”

”How do you plan on doing that?”

”By using my Mutation on your unbreakable wall of a SIM until my head explodes, you won’t let me do that, right?…” He looked me dead in the eye.

I shrugged.

“Right?” He said quicker.

”Fine.” I agreed, my annoyance now only fabricated just to amuse myself. “I trust your mom’s taste… in clothes, jobs… men.”

”Diana!”

———

A bareback white dress was not my suggested option at first, but when I came over to Anthony’s place to discover his younger cousins were staying over (since their mother was that bitchy aunt and they wanted to get away from her), they decided to play dress up with me… it was fun.

The last time I did anything was with… Yvette.

”Beautiful.” Claire, the cool cousin, did my makeup.

”Eh, sure.” Bella, the cousin more in line with her mother, was in charge of my nails. She might have been a bit of a… bitch, but she was prideful in her work. Good, too.

”So… you guys figured that me and Anthony weren’t dating?” I was still shocked by how many people had gathered it so easily.

“You’re too good for him.” They both answered at the same time. “Jinx!”

Twins, I swear, they’re freaky. Anyways, as they began berating and arguing with each other, I was pleasantly surprised to see Anthony waiting downstairs in a tuxedo and slicked back hair.

”Well aren’t you looking posh.” I teased. “Why’re you all dressed up?”

”If I’m going to be your chauffer to whatever corporate hellhole you’re entering, I’m going to look the part. Besides, my dad won’t stop playing… matchmaker.” He turned slightly rosy at the last part. “Just thought you should know.

”Well, tell him he did a good job - with the hair, I mean.” I smiled, shifting past him as I enjoyed the little stutter he had.

The car ride was uneventful, just the two of us in the quiet as we listened to some tunes from the nightly radio shows.

“Be careful.” He said for the hundredth time tonight.

”I will.” I assured him every time. “But it would be really stupid of them to try something at a fancy auction.”

“We don’t know if it’s just the ‘well-put criminals’, you know.” His hands gripped the steering wheel until they were pale. “Wouldn’t be surprised if a fucking mafia boss is invited to the high table.”

I put my hand on his as we approached a red light. “Calm down… I’ll be fine. Anything goes wrong, I’ll call you at the first moment, but please… take care of yourself first.”

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

”Yeah…” He loosened his hands. “I will. I am. Just looking out for my partner.”

”You’re sweet, man.” I chuckled. “Just… like you said. I’m there for you as well.”

”I know.” He nodded tightly. “You’ve done a lot.”

———

Parking near the lavish hotel, it was a remarkably serene place surrounded by fountains and greenergy. I took in the sight, it’d been too long since I saw flora allowed to flourish like this. “Thanks for the ride, Anthony.”

I was ready to get out, but he held my arm. “Diana, sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

”It’s better if I do this alone, only one of us has a Gold SIM. And an invite.” I leaned back into the chair.

”That’s exactly why I’m worried. You’re… strong. Probably would have wrecked my ass even if you had an Iron Skin-Smoothing SIM. I, just, it’s not that you’re overconfident… you have power that deserves to match your ability and your confidence in it but…. Back when you went to Little Requiem, I wish you called me.“

”Maybe…” Anthony… he could have talked some sense into Indra, his power works over calls… but maybe Indra would have been too wisened for that. “I… just… I trust you, but-

My words fumbled. He was capable, more than he believed it himself, but he’d changed over the last few weeks into someone I genuinely cared for. I couldn’t say the words I wanted to, so instead I just scoffed. “You’re showing that stubborn attitude of yours again. Where’d it go after Tonguelasher?”

”I- I don’t know. I didn’t want to… disappoint you? Hurt you… let you down.” He sunk into the chair, covering his mouth with his hands. “I just kind of… respect you. I know I don’t know everything about you, from your father to your past to the mysteries behind your Implant… you’re headstrong and annoyingly driven. I… just… You’re strong, beautiful, nice…

”Go on…” I smiled.

”You’re like if Archangel was a nice person. Everything people believe she has, that’s you.” He threw his hands in the air, admitting as much to himself as it was to me. “And… I’ve never had someone genuinely just be there with me. I can… kind of relate to how you feel about wanting something other than what your genetics chose for you. I’ve been trying my hardest to get thrown of the force, even delighted in some of that whole ‘bad cop’ routine but you… were fighting for something real.”

He took a deep breath. “You trusted me, didn’t really ask for anything in return after you told me about your SIM, believed that I could do better… you’ve been everything I thought I could never have. I just… care for you, in a way that isn’t very professional.”

”Anthony…” I said in a quiet voice… “I…”

He turned to me, an honest pain in his eyes. “I… guess, everyone says you’re too good for me, they play it off for laughs but it fucking hurts. Man, I’m a screw up, the world’s biggest loser. Talk tough, have a kickass power, but I fold every time I use it. What good did it do in the hotel? You saved those people, I just… delayed the inevitable! People still died!”

”Fuck no, Anthony!” I got pissed at that. “Tonguelasher, you saved my ass! I nearly died then! The hotel? You stopped that Black Dragon from shooting me down, from blowing the place up at the first sign of trouble! You saved lives! You’re the whole reason why I’m here right now!”

”That’s why I’m so worried!” He yelled. “If… god, I care about you! I don’t know when was the last time I opened myself enough to feel like that. In two months, I’ve… wanted to change for you! To become, I don’t know, a hero? A better person! But deep down, I feel… inadequate. And I know that’s just something in my head, but-”

”You’re not inadequate.” I said stubbornly, his face crunched in as he couldn’t meet me in the eye.

I put my hand on his cheek and turned his head so he didn’t have the choice. “You have your mother’s genes in you, she wasn’t weak. Neither are you, both of you have and will fight for what you believe in. I know it.”

”I… you know how I feel about you.” He flustered. “It’s pretty fucking obvious even if you rejected me once.”

”That was back when you were trying too hard to be someone you’re not. I like the Anthony I see right now… I…”

I leaned in slowly, and he leaned in too…

It would have been nice to have that kiss. I think deep down, I did like who Anthony was… but not in this way, either it was just the unfortunate timing of everything, the clouds of confusion swirling and masking my heart, or the fact that maybe I didn’t know whether I was saying or doing any of this just to make myself feel better and forget. Pulling back at the last second, I stared down at my knees, ashamed and regretful. “I’m sorry… I don’t think I can.”

God, I didn’t want to hurt him like that but… seeing the pain on his face. “No, you’re right. I- it was stupid of me, you have enough on your mind without me. You’re going through a rough patch and I just… misread the signals. I guess, you’ve been a bit more, I guess, reciprocative lately? I’m sorry for reading the room wrong with how blind I am.”

I choked on my own words to get them out. ”It’s not that Anthony, it’s… nothing to do with you. I’m not nearly as… put together as I make myself out to be. I’m… sad and lately I think I’ve just been… losing myself in the attention you give me. Attention. It’s been the only thing I’ve always gotten since I was a kid, and as much as I hate it sometimes, it’s a comfort — it’s the norm. It’s wrong of me to- I suppose, take things beyond professionally. You didn’t read the room wrong, maybe sometime when I’m less… overwhelmed… I… I don’t know. As it stands, it wouldn’t be fair to you, you deserve something real, and honestly… I’m lying to myself the whole way through. I don’t even know what my last name is.”

He stayed silent, before a chuckle cracked through him. “I… guess we’re both dysfunctional wrecks. It’s… not an issue. I know who you are, and I guess I also just need to figure who I am… who I want to be. You’re right, neither of us are… really ready.”

”Yeah.” I sighed laughingly. “I’m one bad day away from breaking.”

I pulled my head down into my hands, feeling overwhelmed, but he swept the hair out of my eyes. “Hey, heads up, you dumbass. You’re not going to enter that hall with smeared makeup, gotta look good if you’re gonna kick their ass, right?”

I gave a sheepish nod. “Founders… I promise we’ll talk about this once we’re done. I just…”

”Have a job to do, one that I trust you’ll get through. Speaking off, I think you’re getting late.” He let go of my hair, and for once I was the one blushing.

I pulled him in for a hug, a deep nice hug. “I’m glad I have you, Anthony, you might’ve been the only thing saving me from myself since… I just don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

”Probably have your tongue eaten?” He pulled me deeper, but still respectably.

”No. I think that’s what would’ve happened to you. This is a scenario where I never joined squad 13.” I joked with him just a little more as I opened the car door.

We met eyes once more, he got one last yell out. ”Go arrest those motherfuckers! Just remember who drove you, got you that dress, and gave you the leads to get in! You would be nothing without me!”

I raised my middle finger out to him, laughing as I twirled on my heels, staring at the tall building housing the rich and powerful. It was now or never.

Except…

I slammed my hand on Anthony’s car door repeatedly, he rolled down the window looking like a ghost had spooked him, some poppy asian music playing in the background that he slowly dimmed. “Uhh… yeah?”

”Anthony.” I said completely seriously as I scrolled my contact list. “Just. In. Case. Here’s a contact for Ripley Donovick. He has the BUG counterpart of my Implant, he got me out of Little Requiem, came on his own skin to save my ass. Just a worst case scenario. He has criminal contacts who can do something, and he’s not half-bad himself.”

”Do you trust him?” He gave the matter his full attention.

”Not as much I trust you…” I smiled. “But that’s already a high bar to cross.”

———

“Diana Ulrich?” The steward looked at my invitation. “Right, invited on behalf of Simon Jugosla! Here’s your seat number and token, there will be a table in front of your seat, on it will be a pamphlet describing payment methods if you choose to buy anything. Enjoy the auction! Next!”

I smiled and waved, passing through the grand halls as I seated myself in the wide auditorium. The air was tangible, I’d remembered entering a hall like this with my false father once, he tried to pass it off casually, but back then it was an intoxicating, overstimulating experience when all I’d known was stale white from the Cradle and the freedom and bark of the forest.

Times had changed, I was in a place like this on my own choice now.

A woman took a seat on the couch right next to me, casually observing the pamphlet. If there was a phrase to describe her, it would oriental and clearly asian by design, her clothes consisted of flowing cloth of red, yellow and pink, a particularly vibrant strand veiling over her eyes like she was soon-to-be-wed-bride, but her mouth was revealed and jaw-dropping gorgeous by itself.

”These events are quite something… your first time?” She held the pamphlet up to her mouth as she spoke, but I couldn’t tell if she was looking at me or the text behind that veil.

”Yeah… how could you tell?” I searched for any sense of familiarity with her, but at most I could only get the sense that she had to be related to either Yuzhou or Muramasa based on her clothing. “I like that dress.”

”Ah yes, much better than those silly uniforms we wore when we first met. Women of our standing are much better suited when individuality can be expressed.” Her voice was sweet, like honey and oranges, but there was… some uncanny deja vu here.

”When was that?” I rubbed my thumb over my bracelet, thankfully the sensors hadn’t picked it up.

”Please, no need for violence. We are just two acquaintances catching up.” She put down the pamphlet and spoke once more, her mouth not moving as words came out of her. “How has the Gold SIM been treating you, Diana Ulrich?”

”You’re…”

”You can call me Himiko.”