I’m surrounded by pale yellow light that resolves itself into a sunbeam on my face. The back of my head rests on something grassy and there’s a rock poking against the back of my right hip for good measure. I groan.

“Now will you let me log out?” The answer comes in a text box obstructing my view of a blue sky with fluffy white clouds.

Invalid command.

“I’ll invalidate your glitchy ass I whenever I get out of here. If you were Kella I’d ground you for twenty years.”

“Looks like you’re the one who’s grounded, lassie.”

“Huh?” I sit up and look around. My eyes are still dazzled so I only make out a silhouette. It’s enough for me to figure something out, at least. I’m not in character creation anymore.

“Hello!” It’s the Tank and he’s offering me a hand up.

Because of course he is. Challenge of Vircon always throws three random level one characters of each role together for the starting encounter. That much hasn’t changed. I wonder whether the first mobs are zombies or crabs like they were when I first started playing. But what would I know? They probably changed a million things since then.

“Um, I’m not supposed to be in here.”

“Don’t worry, I’m a Cavalier Tank not a Paladin Healer. The name’s Stonestorm.” The other player chuckles. I see that he’s got the stocky build and bearded face of a Dwarf. “Trust me, you’re in the right place.”

“No, I mean I logged in by accident.”

“Riiiight.”

“I’m serious.”

“I see that because I turned the nameplates on. Maybe you want to do that, too? It’s an interface function that makes it easier to target other players for healing. Anyway, it’s nice to meet you. I don’t see many people playing Catkin Healers. Cool choice. Do the ears ever itch?”

“Look, I know how to manage healing a party, Stonestorm. And Catkin gets a mana and spell crit bonus. Or at least it did last time I checked. I didn’t play one back before I took a break from this game.”

“Oh cool! When was that, Sirius?”

“Ten years ago.”

“Holy shit!”

“Yeah, I’m a Light Priest so I guess my mainstays are Holy shit.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. I just decided to interpret it differently, is all.” I bat my eyes and feel my tail flick behind me. Am I actually having fun in here, bantering with a Dwarvish Cavalier? “Anyway, how long have you been playing CoV?”

“Almost as long as you’ve been away.”

“Wow. So why are you starting over at level one?”

“I used to heal and now I want to tank.”

“Yo, Stony!”

“Yo yourself.” Stonestorm waves at someone behind me.

I turn to have a look and see a guy with hulking shoulders, a tiny waist, and goat legs. He’s also sporting horns and a tail like the old-style Demonkin I used to see back in the day. I have no idea whether this is some kind of new Subrace or not. At least I can be reasonably sure this is the DPS. I don’t like to assume but I don’t want to ask either because this guy might not have as good an attitude as Stonestorm.

“Look what the cat dragged in.” The new guy actually checks me out. It’s been a long time since anyone did that but I distinctly remember it being far more pleasant then than now. I get the feeling I don’t want to know where his eyes have been.

“I’m Udie, and I love Catkin! So much! What’s your name?”

“I’m Sirius.”

“That’s okay, we’ll get you laughing later." Udie drops a wink. "I think the end boss for this encounter drops kegs of rum.”

“Rum? Really?” Stonestorm smiles like a kid in a candy store.

“Yeah, they’re pirates, it’s the theme. Check out your encounter map.” He makes fists with his thumbs sticking out. “Who’s got two thumbs and knows this game cold?” He smiles.

“I do.” I manage to keep my mouth a flat line. “Used to be a championship player.”

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“Wow. You really are serious.” Udie shakes his head. "Like deadpan and everything." His tail droops.

Stonestorm groans then rolls his eyes. “You know, I hear that whole championship thing all the time, Sirius.”

“Really?” I blink, surprised anyone would lie about something so easily checked by pulling up player information. But I don’t have time to check that on either of them or wait for them to check on mine.

First Encounter Wave Incoming. Eliminate all enemies and bosses then advance to the checkpoint. Potential score: 150.

“Time to kill some pirates!” Stonestorm cracks his knuckles.

“Pirates! You die!” Udie’s name makes a lot more sense now. He strikes a pose like a fashion model, a boy band member, or an ancient JRPG character. The nameplate says his Class is Elementalist. Joy.

All I can think of to do is sigh. It occurs to me that I could try to log out again but now I’m in a team. These two dudebros are counting on me to heal them through the combat. If I do manage to log out, they’ll die and take a potential score penalty and have to do the encounter twice. I decide to stick around through the first wave so there’s time for another healer to log in. Maybe after that the UI will let me log out.

“I got you.” I hold up the weathered staff that came with my starting gear. Has it really been fifteen years since I started this game at level one and held a statless noob weapon like this?

“That’s it?” Stonestorm scratches his beard. “Sirius, you gotta come up with a better catch phrase, you know. Something badass.”

“Whatever.” I brandish my noob starter staff and have a look at the spell interface which has just popped up in front of me.

The icons are unfamiliar so I point the staff at them so I can get a look at what they do before enemies arrive.

But I barely have time to read the names, let alone the descriptions. At least I know that my Holy Plea will heal one ally or harm one enemy, now. Back then it was just a single target heal and we had a Holy Smite for single target damage. I recognize good old Ruminate from back in the day. It’s a partywide spell that heals over time. The last one I have, Shun, looks like a knockback crowd control deal. It does one point of damage per caster level, too.

“Shun!” I shout.

Because there’s a monkey in a pirate hat dropping toward my head. It’s falling out of the sky with a parachute strapped under its arms. I shit you not. The nameplate says Monkey Flier and it’s got a full green health bar. But after my Shun hits, its trajectory changes from vertical to horizontal for a minute. It clunks into another Monkey Flier, parachutes tangling until they fall in a screeching heap to the ground.

“Nice!” The Tank gives me a thumbs up. Then, he sticks one hand out in front of him, palm up. “Bring it, Monkey Fliers! Hi-ho, Barrel! Stonestoooorm!”

A puff of silver and white smoke forms around Stonestorm. It clears in seconds to reveal him astride a fat-bellied Boargon. Of course, I almost forgot. Cavaliers are mounted Tanks. The Boargon charges while his rider holds a long-bladed spear aloft, whacking Monkey Fliers out of the sky like pinatas.

“You die by fire!” The Elementalist strikes a pose with fingers pointing at the parachutes. They go up in flames and the Monkey Fliers attached to them crash and burn. Sometimes the other way around.

I stand there. So far, this is a one-sided bloodbath. And after this Monkey Flier army, I wonder what else the game’s going to send at us. Herc would have made a joke about how, after the army fails, the only thing to do is send in the legy. But I know CoV. The other shoe is going to drop any minute and take tons of health points from me and my party members with it. I stand there waiting because I want to just heal the crap out of everyone so I can finish the encounter and get back to cleaning my house already.

I should have looked up.