When the enormous shoe drops, I realize that’s not all it is. There’s a severed leg sticking out, a rotting one complete with maggots. It stinks to high heaven. Or from it, because that’s where it came from in the first place.

I look at Stonestorm. He shakes his head and glances at Udie, who shrugs. I’ve got no idea what this thing is or how it even counts as a mob, let alone one that’s supposed to be a Miniboss. The second I think of checking its nameplate, all three of us get hit with a wave of green smoke.

Footlocker Rot: Party Damage Over Time -10 HP per round.

Sure enough, my health bar is down by 10 HP, not good when I’ve only got thirty to begin with. Two more rounds and I’m dead. So I do the sensible thing. Cast Ruminate.

Ruminate: Healing the party for +3 HP per second.

Good. There are three seconds in a round. Everyone’s health already went up by three when I cast. We should be okay if Udie can make good on his battle cry and kill this giant stinky foot mob quickly enough. But can it even die? With the HP almost breaking even for the time being, I check the nameplate, finally.

Thing Afoot: Undead. 100 HP.

“Sick Burn!” Udie leaps through the air, his goat hooves and the long tail giving him a weird sort of grace. Fire hits the shoe somewhere near the laces. They catch and go up.

Sick Burn hits Thing Afoot for -15 HP. Ruminate: +3 HP to party.

“Stonestoooorm!” After hollering his name, our Tank gallops by on his Boargon, slashing the foot at the ankle.

Najinata Charge hits Thing Afoot for -10 HP. Ruminate: +3 HP to party.

“Holy Plea!” I figure what the hell. It’s undead and we almost regained all the health we lost at the beginning of the round thanks to Ruminate.

Holy Plea hits Thing Afoot for -15 HP. Critical Strike Bonus: -5 HP. Total: -20 HP.

“Holy shit!” Udie flails his tail and waggles his hips, then does a twirl. His hands point at the Thing Afoot in a chopping motion, one after the other. “Sick Burn Double Strike!”

Sick Burn hits Thing Afoot for -15 HP. Double Strike: successful. Total: -30 HP.

We already knocked down its HP to 25 from 100. I snort and regret it immediately. The Thing Afoot is the worst thing I ever smelled. Even worse than the time I spaced and left a bag of Pasco’s string cheese in the car with Kella’s dirty diaper while I was at work all day. In the summer.

And the stench gets worse as the Thing Afoot lifts its toes off the ground. I realize that Ruminate’s HoT fell off and the miniboss is about to attack. Mobs at 75% health or lower sometimes have special attacks that do double or even quadruple damage.

“Ruminate!”

Ruminate: Healing the party for +3 HP per second.

The toes crash down against the earth, pounding down like I’d do on an ant. Bits of earth, clods of sod, and even a few pieces of slain Monkey Fliers hurtle through the air, spattering the three of us. It’s annoying but does no damage. What comes next hurts like hell, though.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

Toe Jam: Party Damage -20 HP, -10 HP per round.

Crap. Now we’re all down to one third of our hit points. I only have enough mana left for one spell, too. And I’m choking. We all are. I hope that the checkpoint, where or whatever it is, has water to wash up in because that stench came with slime that we’ll need to wash off.

“Saw a hole, going for it.” The Tank lowers his spear like it’s a lance instead.

“It’s my job to fill holes.” Udie winks at me. I roll my eyes.

“No time for that, dying here.” I grip my staff and try not to blush. “Holy Plea on Stonestorm!”

Holy Plea heals Stonestorm for +9 HP.

“Stonestoooorm!” He charges in, pike lowered. I see what he’s doing.

There’s a hole in the shoe and we can all see the webbing between two putrid toes showing through it. The Tank’s aiming for that. I hold my hands up and shrug because I’ve got nothing. But apparently, Udie does. He’s twerking and jerking like the lovechild of a breakdancer doing the robot and a disco queen. I can’t help but watch with reluctant admiration. Whoever plays this avatar has actual dancing talent even if the in-game execution’s extra goofy with a side of ridiculous sauce.

“Sick Burn!” Udie flips both arms until the backs of his hands face the Thing Afoot. Then he flips a pair of birds to add insult to injury.

Najinata Charge hits Thing Afoot for -10 HP. Ruminate: +3 HP to party.

Sick Burn hits Thing Afoot for -15 HP. Ruminate: +3 HP to party.

Thing Afoot dies. Death Throes: Party Damage -15 HP.

Party XP: +30 Stonestorm. +30 Udie. +30 Sirius.

The Thing Afoot explodes, spraying a fine mist of slimy gore that coats all three of us and Stonestorm’s Boargon, too. Just when I think it can’t get any worse, the Boargon sneezes.

“Woah there, Barrel!” The dwarf mumbles something about allergy medicine for mounts.

“Hey, where’s out encounter XP?” Udie looks like he’s about to challenge the CoV AI to a dance-off or something. Which maybe he’d stand a chance of winning.

“This isn’t the checkpoint. We have to travel to it.”

“Okay, which way then?” Udie looks around then pokes his finger at thin air, which means he’s checking his interface.

“It’s this way.” Stonestorm snaps his fingers and Barrel the Boargon vanishes. “Cavaliers get maps, remember?” He raises one bushy eyebrow at me.

“You’ve got Thing Afoot in your eyebrow.” I point at the glob of goo.

“So do you. It’s everywhere.”

“So where’s the loot?”

We look around and spy a pile of something more solid at the bottom of a glop drop.

“I’m noping away from that.” Udie shakes his head.

“I’m a tank, not a Hazmat worker.”

“Fine. I’ll get it.” I reach into the rancid reeking puddle. “I’m a biologist. But I’m not opening the bag or sorting through it until we get to the checkpoint.”

“Aww.” Udie pouts.

He pouts all the way down the path Stonestorm leads us down. And I get my wish. The checkpoint is on a pristine white sand beach. Plenty of places to wash off.