Leaving war prep this late has consequences. I need to mass produce mine casings, and none of the foreign forges will work with me now that the whole cluster knows that I’m scheduled to fight the Herrat in less than three months. Being associated with war is bad business or some such, which is a fat lie and I know it. So I buy an industrial fabricator and a press with exchangeable forms and build a factory building next to my crystal factory to put it all in. I set the machine to print me ten thousand of several different things, hire five people to look after it all and move to making the things that only I can do: shielded antimatter cores.

Naomi was surprised when I first approached her for babysitting, mostly because Zia looks four when she’s only a week. She’s level 2 though, so that’s a fun disparity all around. She said she could take one day a week, as long as she had time to plan ahead. I took her up on that today as it took me all day to do the warehouse setup. I can mind Zia when I’m just at the house working, but space and explosives are generally irresponsible to expose children to.

Jenna and Solari duck out when I ask about babysitting, Jenna because a new class is starting next week, and Solari because she’s at least a week away in the sensor-focused shuttle she’s in. It took Solari three days to find a shuttle that was “close enough” for what she wanted, pick it for my Salary, replace regularly offer, and get out of the system. I think she was specifically rushing to avoid baby stuff.

Katie, well Katie doesn’t want to be left alone with her for some reason but managed to talk Francesca into working at the Mansion to watch Zia with her. That confuses the hell out of me, so I will be sure to ask Francesca and Katie about how it goes. I need a day to test the mine payload before I start churning them out and putting them into a holding facility.

“I still can’t believe you had a baby. I mean, you told me you were pregnant, but you never really acted pregnant.”

“That’s a sly way of saying I’m moody all of the time.” I smile at her as I pick up Zia, who immediately tries to bite me. I bop her nose and give her a nugget of fruit.

“She was remarkably well behaved. She really likes those logic puzzles you brought over.” She chuckles and shakes her head, “Bart wants her to come over more often so that she can study her development.”

“Hah! I knew it. I have to keep myself from going into “scientist” mode when I look at her sometimes. But she really is super interesting.”

“Mama, Zia here.” I raise an eyebrow as my daughter pats my face.

“Oh! Yes, she has been doing that when we talk about her. She listened intently when Bart made his observations like he was telling a story to her.” Naomi blushes furiously before continuing, “We might be reconsidering kids.”

“Andromeda, that’s adorable. Don’t you think that’s adorable Zia.” I turn to her and she nods.

“Nomi pretty.”

Naomi blushes some more, and I squee at how cute Zia is when she talks. I kiss her face several times while she tries to bat me away. It’s so cute. Uh. I’m so ridiculous around her.

This whole talk of study and data finally reminds me of the data that Oren has collected so far. “This drive is for your husband. The Learning program we’ve been working on for the last year and a half has really progressed well and I think we might be close to team cooperation like we had originally hoped.”

“He’ll be over the moon. I appreciate that you’ve let him head this project.”

“Speaking of projects, Founders day is coming up again soon.”

“Ugh, I know I’ll have to make an appearance, but I’m not going to be as involved this time and the Forum has been delayed until the war concludes. Not to mention, I don’t have a ton of extra money to throw at events again this year.”

She nods at that, “I have some ideas on how to still have the event while not impeding the war effort, though I haven’t fleshed them all out yet.”

“Brilliant. I’ll leave that in your capable hands then. Thanks again for watching Zia.”

“Sure. Bye Zia.”

“Bye Nomi!” She waves her little hand and leans into me.

I blip back to my Penthouse and take Zia up to my garden workspace. “Thanks for minding Naomi and Bart today honey. Would you like some fruit or dinner.”

“Want mommy dinner.” She pouts. Of course she does.

I pick her up in her cooling jumper and analyze her with my aether senses.

I see her tiny swirling vortex and her circulatory system working fine, I see he bones are starting to store energy, but only a trickle is going from her system to her bones. I try to concentrate and quantify rates and capacities.

Zia Oak Astoria Larval sage 1: 20% Memory integration 3% Aether Saturation 30% Mutation Level Estimate: 50%

Okay so, this doesn’t explain much on the face, but maybe we can knock the numbers together and see what comes out. Quantized stage progress, Larval point of growth. This obviously means that it is an intermediate stage before maturation, and the number indicates that there could be additional larval stages. I hope so, going from age 4 to adult would be a mind fuck. On top of the one she’s already in with hereditary memories. Those memories are not progressing fast, and with all of the information she’s dealing with on the day-to-day, I get it. It also lends toward integration of that knowledge not being a limiting point to stage progression as it is so low. Lets assume that some progress is needed, but not 100%. Aether saturation feels like power used for advancement, like energy stored for a cocoon stage. This one I feel should be at 100%. An under fueled transformations could be disastrous. Mutation Level Estimate reminds me of a discussion I had with Tessa years ago. It’s why jumping from Earth to Astoria is dangerous without preparation. Lets see, we leak a portion of the aether we absorb because our bodies are only so efficient at using it. For bodies that don’t intrinsically use it, the have to be trained to handle the concentration of aether in the ambient or the ability to dump aether is less than the exposure of the environment, thus mutations occur after a long and building imbalance.

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

I stop to explain some of what I see to Zia, and the danger of mutations in general, especially when you don’t have mutations in mind that you’ve been working for. I also tell her that because she is so new, that these habits have not had long enough to establish and that a random mutation is most likely.

“Which means, I’ve been feeding you too much. So, would you rather no bottle outside of meal time, or fewer treats?”

“Want treats.” I nod.

“Since it’s dinner time, here’s another chunk of fruit and a bottle. No more until tomorrow.” I summon a new bottle of juice and don’t put my blood in it this time. Don’t need my kid growing a third eyeball unless she wants one.

Zia does not look happy at all. I give her a few math workbooks and tell her she can have up to one extra treat a day when she finishes them. I hope that keeps her tied up for a few weeks. I also want to see if she can focus to target her memory recall.

“Okay, now for mommy to get to work.” I place Zia in the covered Gazebo while I summon a stack of egg crates and start filling them with shielded antimatter spheres. I can make like 20 magnetic sphere shields at a time, but filling them with antimatter is far more difficult, only one per hand at a time. I pack the stacks of five dozen into a thick gun-case like container, five stacks per case, and call it quits for the day. It’s been a long time since I’ve exhausted my mana, but summoning more than 500g of antimatter will do that to you. To think, I can now fit the explosive might of a ballistic missile submarine in a suitcase.

To think I have to do this like 30 more times before I have enough for the mines I have planned.

***

>K] Penny, you have an hour? [<

>P] I’ve just put Zia to bed, so yeah. [<

She doesn’t say anything else, but I assume she’s on the way. Ten minutes later I get a ping for elevator access to the 45th and I confirm after seeing Katie’s worried face. It takes more than a casual thought to cause emotion to show on Katie’s face, and with her volunteering a whole hour of her time, I’m suddenly worried she’s going to divorce me and run off to a Technocratic Democracy.

“Do you need anything before you start?”

“Heh, I would normally ask for a drink, but I’ll take any calming tea if you have it.”

I start the water pot and rifle through my cupboard looking for the tea that I keep just for her. I’m going to have a juice, showing sober solidarity by not drinking in front of her, especially if I need a drink after.

I hand her the tea and she takes a few sips before taking a deep breath.

“You remember how I told you I’d take care of the drugs and abuse stuff that Svetlana did?”

I nod, but the bottle in my hand shatters. I look at it briefly, summon a new bottle and take a sip. I remember how furious I was and how I needed to smear her brain on the wall. Katie asked me not to pursue it, that she needed it for closure, so I worked to put it out of my mind.

“Well, I got my vendetta on her, got the experience and whatnot, and killed most of the people involved.”

I nod until I process the volume at the end of her statement. “What do you mean, ‘most’ Katie?”

She looks deeply into her cup, “The Platinum Blonde, her name is Nikki, and I couldn’t bring myself to kill her.”

The words sounded so soft and so small, but still she could barely push them out through the pain she had locked away. I sigh, thinking I know where this is headed.

“She’s a lot like you, but . . .”

“Please don’t.” I interrupt, “Telling me that you love yet another women that is like me but better in some way, is too much. We should have these conversations before our lives blow up. We can cycle back to this once you’ve gotten to the urgent bit, assuming this wasn’t the urgent part?”

Katie looks angry, but doesn’t look up, nodding instead.

“I’ve been spying on her, and over heard her talking with some pompous asshole about having a plan for you, does that sound urgent enough?”

Clearly I kicked the hornets nest.

“Yes it is. I’m sorry that you feel so conflicted about Nikki. I’m thrilled that you found interest in someone, but it hurts so much when you describe them as “like you, but” I know you wish I was better. I do try to spend more time with you, hell, I’ve been trying more since you’ve started talking to me again, but this isn’t the first time this has happened, Katie. It still feels like you’re so afraid to be with me, with all of you, that you find disposable relationships to ruin instead of working with me to help you through it.”

“Wow, you really don’t understand, do you.” She looks up at me, searching my eyes.

“I thought I did. Hearing you say that means I obviously don’t and probably haven’t since I met you.” The bottom of my heart drops out and starts leaking sorrow throughout my body, sickening my stomach and making my feet want to be anywhere else. I get up, grab a bottle of beer from the fridge and sit back down.

“As simply as I can thing to say this is that I want to dive into you, and live there forever, to be sustained indefinitely from your bounty; but I need you to need me too.” My heart sinks further, she’s right, I didn’t understand. “I told you before that I just wanted to be useful, that I need to have purpose, but while that’s true, it couldn’t carry me through like I hoped it would. Francesca didn’t need me either, but Nikki did. I didn’t fully realize that she was using me at the beginning, but I fell in love with her anyway. You, though, I don’t think you ever needed me. I thought for a while I could make you need me, but in the end, you never did.”

I shake my head. “It’s not usually what I look for in a partner. I like the strong, capable kind of person, who doesn’t need me around, but wants me there anyway. The way you acted after being away made me think you were trying to shame me into changing or something like that.”

“I never really knew why I was acting out when I was doing it--if you can believe it. It took Nikki yelling and laughing in my face while she described how weak and fucked up I am to realize the truth of it. And even then, it took three plus months to internalize the data from other perspectives.”

“I bet the pompus ass she was talking to is the old Governor of Aelea.”

She shakes her head, “No. He does work with her, but the other guy was a voice I don’t recognize. So not a Consul or Governor I think.”

“Fuck”

Katie nods.

We sit there for a few minutes before Katie puts more hot water in her cup and sits back down to hold it. Her hands get cold when she stresses.

“So where does that leave us?” I ask. She shrugs, staring through infinity in her tea.

“What do you want Katie?” I say with as much love and concern in my voice as I can.

She looks up at me with the sorrow of a lifetime in her eyes until her hands start shaking and she looks away. I get up, grab her tea, sit in her lap and hug the crap out of her. It takes a few seconds of surprise before she holds me too and breaks down in wracking sobs.

These aren’t the tears of a stubbed toe, or a broken heart; these are the sobs of giving up on a dream. Katie had pegged me on the board of her dreams and, whether she came here to do it or not, she tore me off just now.

Katie gave up on me too.

Everyone gives up on me.

Nothing I do is ever good enough.

I’m not good enough.