Jim jumps out of his chair. He feels pressure under his feet, almost as if he were going up in an elevator. He hears a soft sort of . . . ground-breakage sound? A “dirt crumpling” sound? He runs down the stairs, and to the door. He opens it, flying out. But he stops, for the ground seems to end with a sharp cliff downwards, leading to his neighborhood below. It is only then he fully realizes what is happening: his house, along with a portion of the land around his house, is flying upwards, into space.
He has a panic attack real quick, until the portion of his land and house stops flying up into the air. At this point, he is so far up he can’t see the rest of his neighborhood when looking down. He equips flashlight from his eugolahctpac, turns it on, and points it downwards into the seeming abyss to see if he could see anything. He couldn’t. He looks around, looking to inspect the current situation more in depth. He unequips his flashlight, putting it in the farthest slot in his eugolahctpac, making it now completely full again. He’d have to empty it out soon. But:
INCOMING DIRECT MESSAGE FROM: dankPantalonez1
dP1: so /// pA001: Yes it also happened to me what the hell is going on /// dP1: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ /// pA001: Haha very funny /// dp1: twasn’t a joke just a silly dumb way of saying i have literally no clue. /// pA001: I realize it is silly irony—holy shihishisthIIIaopehf is your house also moving now /// dP1: yes. not sure where it’s moving exactly but i don’t really care as long as i don’t die or what the fucking fuckity fucker motherfucking piece of fuck what is that one sec brb // pA001: Whjat
Pantalones did not immediately respond. Jim waited, but after a couple minutes he got just a little bit restless. He decided to go back outside to do what he originally intended: inspect his surroundings further. But then he immediately got distracted again, but this time not by Pantalones. This time, it was a giant house on an island almost identical to his that was coming straight for him! Awesome! Wait a second . . .
DIRECT MESSAGE TO: dankPantalonez1
pA001: Okay I'm probably going to sound pretty stupid asking this if I’m wrong but /// dP1: yes /// pA0001: Okay cool i just wanted to know. We are talking about the same thing though rig— /// dP1: yes /// pA001: Ah alright. Wait does this mean i get to meet y /// dP1: yes!! fair warning though i look incredibly normal and uh yeah /// pA001: I do not give a shit. /// dP1: yeah i know you wouldn’t but still. /// pA001: Yes. I look whatever if you’re wondering which I bet you are /// dP1: i was and i too do not give a shit. worse case scenario you look like hella jeff /// pA001: Haha yeah sweet bro and hella jeff i’d want to be sweet bro though probably. /// dP1: okay stop with the reference do you think these islands are going to collide i feel like they are pretty close to each other now /// pA001: Yeah I can’t really see all that well from my current position but it loo—
It was at this point, he knew, he fu—. No.
It was at this point the islands collided. Jim’s computer fell off his table, narrowly missing his philtrum. Or his head, rather. Other various objects fall to the ground, such as some of his amazing awesome movie posters. But as fast as it came, it was over. Jim pushed off the table, in which one of the legs was now broken, and got up. He was mildly surprised he didn’t die. Pretty sweet. Wait but. Did Pantalones die????
Jim rushes down the staircase, dashes out the door, and sprints across the two islands, after checking to make sure it was safe to cross. It was. Pantalones’ house seems to be a little bit smaller than his, and . . . there is no door on the front? Jim realizes it is probably at the back or one of the sides of the house, so he walks to the left side first, to check. He sees no door, so keeps on going around, in a clockwise fashion. On the back there’s nothing either, so it must be on the right side, or the front side (I think???) from his perspective. Just as he’s about to turn the corner, though, something catches his eye.
He looks to the left, expecting to see someone, but instead sees something instead. It’s on the ground—khaki pants? And. It’s.
The khaki pants are moving. What the hell? Like it’s having a fucking seizure right now.
With suddenness (real word), the khaki pants transform. Actually no it literally just disappears. Instead now, somehow, in some way, Jim isn’t standing on an island in space anymore, he’s standing in. Uh. A desert???? Confused, he looks around. The ground is a pale tan color, but there isn’t any sign of like, a cactus or something. He walks forward, vaguely, and proceeds to walk directly off the desert, into nothing. Well, actually, it is something. Except. Well.
Okay, let me try that one again. Jim is standing on a very small square, or patch of a tan floor thing. It is maybe three feet square. He walks off of it, into space, not realizing that it was so small, and he didn’t fall off, as if there was some sort of other invisible floor. He looks down, and realizes this. He processes it for a moment then slowly backs up in the very same state of wonder as before, and then is transported back to the island, and the pants are. A hat. A top hat. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???????????????????????????
The top hat transforms into a person because of course it does. This person is out of breath. Jim stands there, he is pensive. What xkcd-science thing phenomenon could be taking place at this very moment? Perhaps a hallucination oh my god the person is talking what did they just say.
“jim?” says the unknown (((shapeshifting?))) figure of sorts.
“Pantalones?” says Jim, who is only semi-convinced that he is talking to Pantalones. “uh.” Pantalones says. He smiles awkwardly, almost as awkwardly as the word awkward is to type. Jim returns the awkward smile with his very own awkward smile, making an attempt to be as awkward as possible. It works. They proceed to stand there for a couple more moments until Jim decides to just cut the shit already and attempt to have a normal conversation with this person.
“So to cut this conversation to a point in which we start talking normally like any other regular human people would do I believe that we should attempt to make some sort of evaluation of the events that have just occurred and how in the actual hell you(?) just shapeshifted(?) or whatever just happened with the thingie and the other thingie, you know what I mean wow I sound dumb.” Jim monologues. Pantalones responds with a smile, and attempts to make that smile cross his face a bit more. He succeeds. It wasn’t very hard.
“yeah. so. what do you think happened. i'm just kind of flabbergasted by the amount of stupid things that just happened in like five seconds so I don’t really know what to make of it all. i think i just shapeshifted because i could like, literally feel my soul in a not spiritual way just like peel out of my ass and go into that like three by three piece of desert land square thing that was a pale tan or whatever.” Pantalones replies.
“I see. That’s pretty cool. I’d probably be a bit more confused if this happened out of context just like when we were on Earth—or are we still on Earth I really don’t know—but you know what I mean. This lEVIT is already proving to be quite the Thing™.” Jim replies in reply to Pantalones replying.
“right. not to digress just yet from lEVIT but i think it would be worth it to just like consider that our little expository conversation here isn’t going to be all that normal considering we already know all sorts of shit about each other already through Golretsep.” Pantalones replies in reply to Jim replying to his reply.
“Yeah, no, I get what you mean.” Jim replies in reply to Pantalones replying to okay this is stupid I give up.
“right, well. do you think something is going to happen or—”
Of course something happens right as Pantalones asks if something is going to happen because that’s how shit works I think.
The thing that happens is a—okay well so if you’ve ever watched Wild Kratts then you’ll know about that like miniaturizer thing. If you don’t know about that like Wild Kratts miniaturizer thing then please search up “that like Wild Kratts miniaturizer thing” because that’s basically what the device that just appeared looks like.
The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
This device has a timer on it, counting down from . . . 00000000000000000:3:4:9:23? Assumedly that means 0 years, 3 days, 4 hours, 9 minutes and 23 seconds but god knows what that really means (for sake of not having to think about it that’s what it means). It also has something on top of it. It looks like a transparent glass box sort of thing, except it’s floating and the implications of that are confusing (how it be floating????? what is going on??? do physics exist??? wtf Einstein????) It’s about the size of a very, very, very large microwave (I guess more like a fridge), and it looks like it has some sort of metal handle on it. A very thin one. Abnormally thin. But isn’t everything here abnormal?
“what that” Pantalones remarks smartly.
“What.” Jim replies smartly also. Pantalones clears his throat.
“excuse my horrible internet manners what i meant to say is what is that. on a completely unrelated note, what is that?” Pantalones said (do I keep on switching from past tense to present tense? God, this narrating job can be really hard. Hopefully I haven’t been doing that throughout this entire transcription process thus far)
“okay nevermind that’s a really stupid question of course you have no idea.” He adds on.
“Yeah, pretty much answered your own question.” Jim replysponds.
Jim walks over to the WKMD (Wild Kratts Miniaturization Device [this is how the device will be referred to from now on until we know its real name ]) for further inspection. It has no sort of label, only a button. There is a purple one, and a red one. These buttons also have no label. Jim gestures for Pantalones to come over yonder as well, and he does.
“You think we should . . .” Jim said.
“yes.” Pantalones replies.
“Alright, pick one then.”
Pantalones presses the purple button with his pinky finger in a delicately and consequently humorous manner.
A sort of hologram thing pops up. It reads:
“ERROR: NO ITEM TO PROTOTYPE WITHIN PROTIPICATION CAPSULE” Jim reads.
“protipication?”
“Yup."
“right well i guess we should put something in the thing then, assuming that is the ‘protipication capsule”.
“Alright, but let’s press the red button first.”
“sure.” (you’ll notice I’m not using the “Jim” or “Pantalones said/says/replies/whatever” snippets anymore, because their typing quirks make them recognizable enough. This will not be the case for all characters, but only ones that you have gotten to know their quirk enough to be able to instantly recognize it and correlate that to their actual name. Unless I spontaneously change my mind which I might I don’t know).
Jim presses the red button.
PEW POW BAM BIDDLY BOOP BOP AND OTHER ONOMATOPOEIA a laser thing shoots up from the WKMD that is of the same circumference of the WKMD. It’s pinkish purplish reddish and . . . and it’s gone now :(
Right, well, that was cool while it lasted. In place of the COOL RAD AND ALSO AWESOME LASER is now a cat. And hovering above that cat is some uncanny hologram letters that read:
“Sir Bartholomew Mittens III?”
“what that i mean what is that i mean what the english iejapofsidhfea”
“Yeah, english is a little bit uh. Englishy. Sometimes. I am so good at life.” Jim sighs in pain. His sentences always come out wrong. He wished he could be a little bit more sophisticated when speaking. Maybe he should just think a little bit more before speaking.
That sounded almost as stupid as Jim.
“Anyway, so what is that cat? Like. I like the name, but what the hell.”
“bro come on that cat is awesome in every way sir bartholomew is the man”
“Stop assuming gender you non-politically correct figure.”
“no”
“>:(”
The cat floats down slowly, with delicacy. It’s a calico, and female (Pantalones was wrong, although I am pretty sure Bartholomew is a primarily male name :OOOO). It looks pretty normal—actually okay nevermind the cat has completely black eyes that look like two little black holes. Makes me feel a little bit strange, even though I’m the narrator! Crazy, I know.
Sir Bartholomew Mittens III (who I’ll be referring to as SBMIII because I will not say that over and over again), as the cat is referred to, lands on the WKMD. He walks over to Pantalones and Jim, who both simultaneously step back a little. He speaks.
“h3110 hum4n5. 1t 1s 1, S1r B4rth0l0m3w M1tt3n5 th3 Th1rd.” said SBMIII.
“is the cat talking or am i hallucinating”
“I’m pretty sure that cat is talking, but I really don’t know. I thought cats weren’t supposed to talk, but I might be mistaken, who knows.”
“yeah no i think the cat is talking”
“Ah.” The cat looks agitated. I think. It’s a cat, after all. And cats are like, always pissed.
“y0u m3r3 m0rt41s w1ll n3v3r und3rst4nd wh4t 1s 4t st4k3, 3sp3c14lly n0w th4t y0u h4v3 m4d3 th3 d3c1s10n to act1v4t3 lEVIT 4g41n.” (quick side note: for those who can not comprehend what this cat is saying, here’s a quick guide: 0 = O, 3 = E, 4 = A, 5 = S [sometimes], and 1 = either L or I, whichever the cat chooses; also this information will be completely irrelevant in about ten sentences)
“are you suggesting that you are not a mortal? wait you’re a cat so i guess you’re right. actually, what are you? and what the hell is going on with your eyes?”
The cat shakes his head, looking a little confused too.
“5uch puny m0rt4ls. 1 tru1y c4n n0t b3l13v3 th4t y0u d0n’t und3rst4nd th3 c0ns3qu3nc3s 0f 4ct1v4ting lEVIT. h4v3n’t y0u b33n thr0ugh th3 ffakescient 4lr34dy?”
“the ffakescient?”
“Are we meant to know what that means?”
The cat looks less confused now, and a little relieved.
“4h, 1 gu3ss 1’m y0ur gguidiant.”
“i don’t really want to repeat what you say anymore so could you just tell us what a guidiant is?”
“y0u s4y 1t wr0ng. y0u must pr0n0unc3 th3 “G” tw1c3.”
“i’m very sorry.”
“ap0l0gy 4cc3pt3d. 4nyw4y, 4 gguidiant 15 0k4y w41t.” SBMIII looks a little annoyed now, perhaps a bit frustrated.
“I KEEP ON GETTING THE NUMBERS MIXED UP AND HAVING TO EDIT MY SQ SO I GUESS I’LL JUST MAKE THIS MY SPEAKING QUIRK.” SBMIII said.
“and what the fuck might a speaking quirk be?”
“IT’S KIND OF HARD TO EXPLAIN, BUT WHEN YOU GO THROUGH THE FFAKESCIENT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO SEE A SORT OF HOLOGRAPHIC-ESQUE TEXT NEXT TO EACH OTHERS SIDES, TO BETTER DISTINGUISH WHO YOU ARE, BECAUSE SOME OF THE CREATURES YOU’LL ENCOUNTER AFTER THE FFAKESCIENT ARE VISUALLY IMPAIRED.” SBMIII replies.
“how would they be able to see the text then if they, whoever they is, are blind” (side note again: Jim is just kind of standing here, awkwardly. Neither Pantalones or SBMIII are paying much attention, however).
“WELL, Y’SEE, THAT’S THE THING WITH THE HOLOGRAPHIC TEXT. IT’S ALSO GIVES YOU KIND OF A . . . WHAT DO YOU MORTALS CALL IT. IT JUST KIND OF GIVES YOU A VIBE, Y’KNOW WHAT I MEAN?” SBMIII replies—reply combo 2x!
“not really but go on. could you first tell us what exactly we’re supposed to do though besides wait for this timer or whatever to go off”
“OKAY SURE. YOU’RE NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR PREPARING YOUR PROTOTYPE. I ASSUME YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.”
“i do not.”
“ALRIGHT SO THE PROTOTYPE IS SOME RANDOM-ASS OBJECT THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PUT INTO THAT BOX OVER THERE. IT HAS TO FIT INSIDE THE BOX, OR ELSE SOME REALLY NOT GOOD STUFF COULD (POTENTIALLY) HAPPEN. WHAT YOU PUT INSIDE YOUR BOX WILL DETERMINE YOUR PIECE, WHICH EVOLVES INTO YOUR SPECIALITIES.
“BOTH YOUR PIECE AND YOUR SPECIALITY OKAY ACTUALLY I REALLY AM NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS RIGHT NOW I WILL NOT BE A CONVENIENT TRANSMITTENT OF CRUCIAL PLOT POINTS TO YOU. YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT ON YOUR OWN ALRIGHT NOW GO AWAY.”
“what do you mean plot points what is the context are we in a story who the hell are you and why are you still talking and a cat also what is your issue and why won’t you tell us literally anything?”
“WOW, THAT SURE WAS A LOT OF QUESTIONS.”
“yeah so are you going to answer any of them or . . .”
“NO.”
“alright. can you at least give us a little bit more info about this prototype thing because “speciality” and “piece” are both very big words and big words are scary. what i’m getting right now is that they are magic powers . . . hopefully?”
“I MEAN YEAH IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU PRETTY MUCH HAVE IT IN THE BAG, SO TO SPEAK. I’M NOT TOO FAMILIAR WITH YOUR ODD LANGUAGE CONVENTIONS THOUGH, SO CORRECT ME IF I’M INCORRECT.”
“alright”
Jim decides now is a good time to step into the conversation.
“So, do you think we should do that then, Pantalones?”
“what like put something in the box or”
“Yeah, that’s what I was referring to.”
“then yeah sure i guess. wait, cat dude. does the thing we put in the box thing affect both of our pieces and specialities or whatever the fuck it was. also don’t i already have powers? shapeshifting powers?”
“NO, WHOEVER PUTS THE OBJECT INTO THE BOX GETS THEIR PIECE. ALSO, YOU DON’T “GET” YOUR SPECIALITY. YOUR PIECE EVENTUALLY EVOLVES INTO YOUR SPECIALITY(IES). ALSO YOU ARE A SPECIAL CASE PANTALONES. I WILL NOT ELABORATE FURTHER BECAUSE NO.”
“figures. also did you just use a parantheses in your sentence okay that’s unimportant will another box appear in this box’s place when one of us puts something in or . . .”
“OH YEAH THAT DOES IN FACT HAPPEN I FORGOT.”
“okay. do you want to go first, jim, or no”
“I’m fine with whatever. I don’t really know what to put in my box thing though so.”
“i mean it could just be like, an object or something. the box is pretty damn big so you could probably have chair powers or some shit.”
“Yeah, chair powers actually sound like they could be . . . I dunno, a thing. Like, being able to just fucking fling chairs from thin air at people, and take off the wood rods to impale people does have some potential. I guess I’ll go get a chair then.
“wait but make sure you get like a metal chair or something or something hard because the type of chair probably matters.”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. I’ll look around then for a particularly sturdy chair, then.”
Jim starts to walk back to his house, but Pantalones stops him.
“for the sake of convenience, just take one from my house.”
“Alright, thanks.”
Jim walks back over, and into Pantalones’ house, with Pantalones following right behind him.